Making Friendship Bracelets For The Death Eaters
by Avada Cruimperio
Summary: They may be called Death Eaters, but this group of minions are anything but evil, and they've decided to replace the Dark Mark with something much more fashionable... friendship bracelets!
1. The Death Eaters Hire A New Employee

**A/N: Okay, so after writing two (starting on three) drama/horror filled stories about The OC, I seriously needed a break. So Evadne's "Once Upon A Freakin' Time" (which is absolutely hilarious, it made me laugh so hard I cried.) inspired me to write Harry Potter comedy. I kind of borrowed her idea of hilarious Death Eaters that did anything but eat death… sort if. Ish. It developed from that. **

**So anyways, here's my stab at it. Please don't kill me if it sucks. **

**A/N: Reposting this chapter so it's correct grammatically. **

The Death Eaters Hire A New Employee

The young woman, Marissa, nervously followed the blonde man inside the office. She had no idea why she was here. There she had been, flipping though the Yellow Pages in search of a suitable plumber –honestly, it was way too difficult to unclog one's own toilet- when a huge pink advertisement seemed to pop out of nowhere. It read:

_Do you believe that only the pure should live?_

_Do you think that all Muggles deserve to die?_

_Are you a pureblood?_

_Are you exceptional at making friendship bracelets?_

_If yes, then do we have an exciting job opportunity for you!_

_Come be a part of the exclusive Death Eaters!_

_You'll love the job so much that you'll want to pay us!_

_And anyone is welcome (Mudbloods and half-bloods excluded)!_

_Call us to find out more on this exciting opportunity at _

_1-800-328-3384_

_Or, contact our boss at 1-800-867-4353_

Marissa wasn't exactly sure who the Death Eaters were; she had heard them mentioned once or twice. She was pretty sure that they were a wizard musical group in England. She had heard that they played loud, depressing rock music. And as much as she loved loud rock music, depressing just wasn't her thing. But she did need a job… and she was pretty good at making friendship bracelets….

So she had called the number, and arranged an appointment at their so-called "headquarters". And that's how she had found herself in front of a building emitting an ominous air of certain death, the exterior blacker than a Dark Lord's soul.

Somewhat wishing she hadn't come, Marissa tentatively knocked on the door. Immediately, it whooshed open, and a man in black hooded robes grabbed her arm and whisked her indoors.

She realized, at once, that the sinister façade of the building was simply a cover-up. In the main hall, the walls were painted a lovely shade of lavender, there was a clean white rug under her feet, and windows, albeit with the shades drawn, were spread amongst the hall.

The man in the robes pulled down his hood, and, she realized, he was wearing a sweatshirt, not an evil-looking robe. Long blonde hair fell down his face, and icy blue eyes met hers as he shook her hand.

"Oh, hello! You must be that girl who applied for the um… er… position! Hi, I'm Lucius Malfoy, pleased to meet you. Oh, you're going to love it here. We have so much fun."

"What exactly do you do?" she asked, somewhat taken aback by Lucius' vivacious behavior.

"We…er…are currently… mmm… experimenting with different, hmm… _methods_ of removal of the unworthy."

"Come again?"

"We're a law firm."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Now, do you fill all the requirements?" Lucius asked a few minutes later, as they sat down in his office.

"Um, what are they?"

"Are you a pureblood?"

"Yeah. Why does that matter?"

Lucius fell off his chair.

"Why does that matter? WHY DOES THAT MATTER?" he asked, picking himself up. "Honestly! I thought a _pureblood_ would know better! Could you have a _Mudblood_ Death Eater? Of course not! We're _Death Eaters_- we eat death, for goodness's sakes! The skies would fall down! The world would explode! The oceans would flood! My hair would get wavy! Blood is important. _Duh_."

Marissa wasn't exactly sure she still wanted to work there, but she needed the money. "I was joking, of course. I'm a pureblood. Which… is important…" she trailed off.

"Exactly. Next, do you believe that all Muggles and Muggleborns deserve to die?"

"Um… sure."

"Finally, the most important question. Can you make friendship bracelets?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty good. Why?"

Lucius sighed. "Well, all those Muggles movie starts are walking around with those cute little Kabbalah red-string bracelets. And Voldemort saw them in a Muggles magazine he stole from Potter's ugly Mudblood friend, and he went wild and said we _had_ to have something like that, so he told Peter to braid us some bracelets, but Peter was hopeless at it, can't even braid, that little nitwit, and of course then he went to Bellatrix, because she's a girl, and oh my goodness, she almost Avada'd him when he suggested that making bracelets were "woman's work", and we all know how Bella gets when she's angry _so_ we decided to hire someone to do it for us."

"Uh-huh."

"Well, anyways, I guess you qualify, so I'll have someone take you on the rounds of the office. Hmm… Crabbe or Goyle, maybe… no… it's three o'clock, they'll be busy chasing the ice-cream man… Snape's busy, I believe, he's spying at some Order meeting, Bella might be in a mood after the bracelet fiasco, better not risk it. Oh, well, I'll just take you around!"

Marissa slumped slightly at the thought of spending any more time with him. She couldn't _stand_ continuality energetic people; she hoped that Lucius would never, ever drink coffee.

He led her down the hall, and knocked on the first door on the left. "Walden? Can we come in?"

No response came, so Lucius slowly opened a door that bore the sign _Walden Macnair, Death Eater and President of The Shiny Axe Club._

A man, who Marissa took to be Macnair, was sitting at his desk, playing a board game. At first glance it seemed to be_ Clue_, but upon further inspection it was, quite obviously _Harry Potter: Mystery at Hogwarts_. He looked at his cards, moved a blue ghost five steps towards the Great Hall, then looked at another set of cards and moved a green ghost six steps up the stairs.

"Ah, Macnair!" Lucius said, groaning. "Are you playing that ridiculous game _again? _And with yourself, no less?"

Macnair looked up, the expression on his face one of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Um… No. I was… um… watching it for someone. And I peeked at their cards. Just because I was bored. Yeah. That's it."

Lucius sighed. "Fine, Macnair, go find some animal and behead it."

Macnair jumped up. "Are you sure?"

"You have my permission."

"Oh, boy!" he exclaimed, pulling a machete off the wall and hurrying out the door, nearly scraping Marissa in his haste.

"Well, that's one down." Lucius pulled the door shut behind them and knocked on a door with a sign that read _Jugson/Travers/ Nott._

"Some of our offices are pretty big, so people share. Nott was not- Ha! Nott… not! Get it? Ha!" Lucius laughed. "Anyways, Nott was not too thrilled about sharing an office with Travers, ever since Voldemort let Travers kill the McKinnon's. It's long story but apparently Nott had his heart set on them, and Travers has been rubbing it in his face for about seventeen years. Every now and then, you'll see a desk or two on fire in there. But," Lucius peered through a small window in the door, "it appears that none of them are in right now. I think I heard something about them going to a craft store to buy some string for our bracelets.

"Next up," he continued, "we've got Bellatrix Lestrange, her husband, Rodolphus, and Ro's brother Rabastan's room. The guys are most likely not there right now, on account of Bella's mood, but we can go in. Just stay a couple feet away from her at all times."

He opened the door to a dark room. A woman was sitting in a rolling chair, scribbling madly on a piece of paper and muttering to herself about sadomasochism.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Lucius cleared his throat and Bellatrix looked up.

"How dare you come in my office without permission!" she screeched, standing up so fast her chair toppled over. "Lucius, you have exactly twenty seconds to get out of here before I curse the- who is _she_?" She stopped her rant and stared icily at the new employee.  
"Now, Bella, calm down. This is our newest worker, Marissa. She's the one making the friendship bracelets."

Bellatrix's expression softened at once. "Oh! Yes! Finally! Hi, Marissa, I'm Bellatrix. So you're making the bracelets? I have to tell you, please make them pink. It's such a beautiful color and it matches so with our robes. I _adore_ pink and black."

"That's very nice, Bella, but I really must introduce her to the other Death Ea-"

"Shut up, Lucius. I am talking to her, not you. You have more than enough time. Just because you want to finish your stupid tour so you can go to the staff dinner meeting and brag about Draco being first in something, which isn't even true, mind you, that Mudblood Granger beats your son in everything. It must be _so _disappointing to have a son that's stupider than a Muggleborn."

"He's _your_ nephew, you know," Lucius sniffed.

"Just because we're related doesn't mean I have to like him. You're married to my sister, and I hate _you_."

"Really, Marissa, we must keep going. I'm sure Bella would love to spend more time with you, but it can wait. We'll be leaving. Now."

"Bye, dear," Bellatrix called as Marissa left her office. "Come visit!"

"Why doesn't she like you?" Marissa asked, as Bella's door was hastily slammed shut.

"It was twenty years ago… no idea why she's still angry… all I ever did was bewitch her wedding carriage to drop her and Rodolphus in a lake… Ah hah! Here we are. Our recreation room."

Marissa stepped inside a lavishly furnished room, and noticed the room was filled with people.

"First off," Lucius said, leading her over to two men that looked practically identical to each other, "these are the Lestrange guys. This is Rodolphus, Bella's husband, and Rabastan, his brother.

"Hi," they said in unison, and immediately resumed their conversation.

"All we need is a variation."

"We can't do it."

"Come on. We can do it."

"It's impossible to make it."

_It's impossible to tell you two apart_, Marissa thought.

"What about… Avada Cruimperio?"

"It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Rodolphus. You can't torture, control _and_ kill someone at the same time. Then they'd be dead."

"Isn't that what we want?" asked Rodolphus.

"Yes, but if they're dead, you can't torture or control them."

"Oh," said Rodolphus.

Another Death Eater joined them.

"Hey, Mulcy," Rabastan (or was it Rodolphus- yes, it was Rodolphus) said, sliding over on the couch to let the man join them.

"If you ever call me Mulcy again, I will have Macnair chop off your head," the man said. He noticed Marissa standing there and narrowed his eyes.

"Hi," she said quickly, hoping to avoid being Crucio'd. "I'm Marissa. I work here now, I guess."

"She the bracelet girl?" he asked.

Lucius nodded. "Marissa, this is Mulciber."

Rodolphus finally acknowledged her. "Riss- can I call you Riss?"

"Um, sure."

"Riss, do you think it's a good idea to combine all the Unforgivable Curses into one?"

"Um…"

"Rissa- can I call you Rissa?"

"I thought it was Riss…"

"Rissa, you can be honest. Just tell me if you think it's stupid."

"Well, if she doesn't think it's stupid, then _she_ is," Rabastan snapped.

"Is what?" Rodolphus looked confused.

"Stupid!"

"That's not nice! Marissy- can I call you Marissy?-, he called you stupid. He also thinks that my idea is stupid. I don't. So go with the not-stupid."

"I didn't call her stupid _yet_. I said that _if_ she agreed with you, _then_ she was stupid."

"Well, Missa- can I call you Missa?-, what do you think?"

"Um… Oh, look. Who are they?" Marissa asked, pointing at the two people walking through the door.

"Them? That's Avery and Dolohov. Voldy's kinda mad at Ave; after all I mean he _did_ screw up the whole prophecy thing a couple years ago, and D. Hov is one of Voldy's right-hand men."

"_Voldy?_" Rabastan asked incredulously. "You have got to be kidding me. First all those stupid names for _Marissa_," he stressed her proper name, "and I'll admit "Ave" wasn't bad. "D. Hov" just crossed the line, Ro. And Voldy… I can't even _begin_ to fathom how long he'd curse you for if he heard that."

Marissa noticed, for the first time, that what appeared to be a PS2 and a TV were in the wall, and a man was playing something on the console.

The man threw down his controller.

"Dammit, I can never pass that damn special moves! I don't even need them, and I can't learn them! _Avada Kedavra!_" he screamed, pointing his wand at the television. A green light filled the room, and the next second, there was a gaping hole in the wall where the TV had been mere seconds ago.

Mulciber cursed. "That is the fifth TV we've lost this month!"

Marissa didn't need to be told that the wizard who had just killed the television was Voldemort.

"Wormtail!" the Dark Lord yelled.

A rat-like looked man nervously approached him. "Y-yes, My Lord?"

"Go down to Best Buy and get us a new TV."

"Yes, My Lord." Wormtail turned to leave.

"Wait!" Voldemort thundered.

"Yes, My Lord?" Wormtail shook with fear.

"I've got a 5 percent off coupon."

Wormtail took the coupon and hurriedly left the room.

Voldemort's eyes swept the room, and landed on Marissa.

"Ah hah! You must be the bracelet maker!"

She nodded.

"We've got to talk, then." He patted the ground next to him, and Marissa hesitantly sat down.

"First up, we've got to get you fitted for some cloaks. You've got to go with us to all our outings, in the event that a bracelet broke. You don't have to kill anyone unless you want to, of course, and if I give you the go-ahead, by all means, blast someone the hell out of there.

"Next, about the bracelets. I don't particularly care what they look like, as long as they are cool. Somewhat scary would be a nice touch, if you can do it."

"I can make them black and red, if you want," she suggested.

"That's fine. We'll need bracelets for everyone you met today, their immediate family, and a few other people you didn't come across. We need about twenty-five, for starters, that covers the Lestranges, the Malfoys, the Crabbes, the Goyles, the Notts, Avery, Macnair, Mulciber, Snape, Wormtail, Jugson, Travers, Dolohov, and me."

"Right."

"How long do you think that'll take you?"

"If I don't stop, between twelve hours and a day."

"Oh, no, we only work from nine to five, so you have as long as you need during that time to work. We need them don in a couple weeks, and after they're done, we'll find something else for you to do, like- Snape!"

"Excuse me?"

"No, not you," Voldemort said.

Severus Snape had just walked in the door, with a grim look of defeat on his face.

"What is it, Snape?" Voldemort asked.

"The Order… they've won."

"What?" Voldemort gasped. "Surely you don't mean…"

"I do."

Voldemort leaned his head back. "Noooooooooooooooo!"

"Yes."

"What?" Marissa asked.

Snape looked like he was going to cry. "The Order did it before us."

"Did what?"

"They've got friendship bracelets."


	2. Voldemort Has Really Bad Luck At Games

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my friend Andrew, who gave me the idea for 'Broomstick' (as you shall see later). And by the way, all of Voldemort's difficulties with the Harry Potter video game are based on my own. Damn you, Harry Potter Quidditch World Cup game!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't have made 'Legilimency' such a hard word to spell**

Recap:

_Snape looked like he was going to cry. "The Order did it before us."_

_"Did what?"_

_"They've got friendship bracelets."_

Voldemort Has Really Bad Luck At Games

"No!" Rodolphus said in a hushed voice.

"Yes." Voldemort pulled out a black handkerchief and loudly blew his nose.

"Can we still keep RiSissa?" Rodolphus asked.

"RiSissa?" Rabastan scorned. "What next?"

Voldemort interrupted the brothers bickering with an evil gleam in his eye. "I've got it… when the Order is sleeping, we'll steal their bracelets, burn them, and then wear our own. We_ will_ be the most fashionable. Muahahahahahaha!" Voldemort let loose an odd-sounding evil laugh.

"Voldemort? What's wrong with your laugh?" Lucius asked.

"What do you mean?

"Well, usually, you have emphasis on the mua and the final ha, like _Mua_hahahahahahaha_ha_, but that one just had no emotion."

"I've been fiddling with it," Voldemort admitted. "I tried other versions, too. I got a bwahahahahahaha, a regular hahahahahaha, and, one of my own invention…"

He sucked in a deep breath and let out his new evil laugh.

"Twahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Everyone stared, dumbfounded, at their evil leader.

"Twa?" Mulciber asked. "And I thought Mucly was bad…"

"What?" Voldemort asked. "Don't you like it?"

"Voldemort. We are the Death Eaters. We eat Death. We kill people. We do not go around, laughing as if we were skipping on a rainbow and eating candy!" Snape exclaimed.

"How do you know what people on rainbows sound like?" Voldemort shot back.

Snape's face turned red. "I was guessing."

"You're lying! You were on a rainbow! You were on a rainbow!"

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was not." Voldemort grinned evilly.

"Was too! And that's final!" Snape shouted.

"Told ya so." Voldemort smirked.

"I- wait. What?" Snape furrowed his brow.

"Snape was on a rainbow, Snape was on a rainbow!" Voldemort chanted. "Come, my fellow Death Eaters, join me!"

The Death Eaters joined hands and circled around the former Potions teacher, singing, "Snape was on a rainbow, Snape was on a rainbow!"

Snape coughed loudly. "Can't I say something in my defense?"

"I guess," Voldemort conceded.

Tears formed in Snape's eyes. "When you make fun of me, I feel sad, and I wish you would stop."

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Snape," Voldemort apologized.

Everyone glanced around warily.

"Minions! Apologize!" Voldemort commanded.

"Yes, My Lord. Sorry, Snape," the Death Eaters recited.

Bellatrix burst into the room. "Everyone! I have great news!" she said, and Marissa shuddered, Bella's demeanor reminding her of Lucius.

"What?" Voldemort asked. "Did our shipments of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince come in?"

"No, not yet, My Lord."

"Ugh! I have been waiting _forever_ for it!"

"I know, My Lord, but… Nott, Travers, and Jugson just stopped by. They have the string!" She held up about ten packets of red and black string.

"Yes!" Voldemort cried. "Now, we can get Marissa working on those, and become fashionable! Marissa, go work on the bracelets, while I sneak off to Macnair's room play that Harry Potter game. Man, is it addicting!"

"I'm going to sneak off now. Everyone close your eyes," he ordered.

Everyone obediently shut their eyes, and heard loud footsteps walking towards the door, then the sound of one body slamming into another, glass breaking and a large "Dammit! Not again!"

Everyone opened their eyes and observed the scene. Voldemort had opened the door, and walked straight into Wormtail, who had been carrying Voldemort's new plasma TV, which now lay on the floor in about six million pieces.

"Thanks for wasting my five percent off coupon, Wormtail. Now we have to get an entirely new one, at full price! Do you know how much those things cost?"

"Um… Yes, My Lord?"

"You should be very, very grateful that I have another coupon at Circuit City."

"I am, My Lord."

"Have you noticed, Wormtail," Snape remarked, "that you are the only one here that calls him 'My Lord'? We all call him Voldemort, except for Rodolphus, who knows our leader as 'Voldy'."

"He calls me Voldy?" Voldemort asked, outraged.

"Not the point!" Rodolphus hurriedly interrupted. "I think Peter is a suck-up!"

Peter's lower lip trembled. "You're jealous."

Rodolphus snorted. "Of what?"

"Of me."

The room burst into laughter at Peter's statement. Tears fell down all three faces of the Lestranges as they hooted at Wormtail. Travers and Jugson, who had justy walked in, immediately joined in the laughter.

"Oh, stop it," Voldemort, feeling bad for Peter. "Let's play a game or something."

"Ooh! I know! Let's play Broomstick!" Lucius suggested.

Those who knew of the game eagerly nodded, the others just looked perplexed.

"Everyone, get in a circle. I'll be it," Lucius directed. "Who knows how to play?"

About five people raised their hands, including Snape, Bella, Ro, Rabastan, and Nott.

"'Kay, Bella, you go out into the hall." Bellatrix swept outside, closing the door behind her.

"Okay. _Accio Broomstick_," Lucius said, and a broom soared toward towards him.

He pointed the hand at Snape. "Broomstick."

He went around the circle, pointing at random people. "Broomstick, broomstick, cheese stick, mozzarella stick, broomstick, broomstick, Popsicle stick, broomstick, _broomstick_." The final word was annunciated by the point of the broom at Mulciber.

"Now, when Bellatrix comes back in, she will magically read my mind- without using Legilimency- and see who I have picked. Bella, come in!"

Bellatrix walked in the room, looked around once, and proclaimed, "Mulciber."

Various "oohs" and "aahs" came from about the room.

Every time, someone would walk out, walk back in, and get the answer right. They hadn't been peeking or listening or reading minds, they just _knew_. Everyone picked up on it within a few minutes- everyone except Voldemort, that is.

"I don't get it," he said to Wormtail for the six millionth time.

"I can't tell you." Wormtail replied for the six millionth time.

"Tell me!"

"No!"

"My brain hurts. Tell me!"

"Never!"

"Tell mw, or I'll hurt you!"

"Too bad."

"_Crucio!_"

Wormtail got up a minute later. "Let's play a different game."

"Yes, let's," everyone hurriedly agreed.

TEN MINUTES LATER

"Got any eights?" Lucius asked.

"Um… y-no." Voldemort lied.

"You're lying. I can see you've got two of them. Hand them over."

"Curses! I have been foiled again!" He pulled the eights out and handed them to Lucius.

"You can go, Voldemort."

"Got any fours?"

"Go fish."

Voldemort pulled up a nine. Yes! Now he had three nines.

"Go, Lucius."

"Got any nines?"

Voldemort grabbed all of Lucius' cards and set the whole deck on fire.

"Now what?" Lucius sighed.

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY SECONDS LATER

"So, show me how to do the special moves," Voldemort instructed Lucius ashe gave him the PS2 controller.

"And what game is this again?"

"Harry Potter Quidditch World Cup."

"I see."

Lucius easily mastered the special moves and handed the controller to Voldemort.

"There. You can go play Ravenclaw now."

Just as Voldemort hit the "Begin Match" button, Wormtail stumbled into the room, tripping over the Playstation cord.

The game went black.

"Did- did you save it?" Lucius asked, horrified.

"No." Voldemort yanked the disc out of the console and stomped on it, shattering in into a zillion shiny flecks.

A HALF-HOUR LATER

"Okay. We're tied. All I have to do is get Lucius to miss the ball and I've won my first game of tennis, ever."

Just as Lucius threw the ball up, Voldemort screamed.

"Look! Harry Potter!"

Lucius' eyes blazed with rage, and he smacked the tennis ball with all his strength. It flew across the court and hit Voldemort full in the head.

"WE ARE DONE PLAYING GAMES TODAY!"


	3. Take Your Kid To Work Day

**Disclaimer: Yes, I'm J.K. Rowling, and instead of working on the seventh Harry Potter book, I'm spending my time writing an online story about OOC Death Eaters. Yeah, right. UPDATE: 8/8: fixed Blaise calling Draco gay so it's non-offensive**

**This chapter is dedicated to my best friend Becca, AKA AppleNamedBob. She's cool. She'll be putting up a story soon, I'll keep you updated. She's hilarious, by the way. I have to give her credit for Draco's personality, it as her idea. Props to you, Becca.**

**A/N: If you've read anything else by me, you shall discover that I write lots and lots of author notes. So be prepared.**

**I just had to mention that I just noticed the coolest thing. I have one story with 107 reviews, one with 10 and one with 7. Isn't that weird? Cause it's like 107 is like 10 and seven! Whoa! Sorry, I'll just go stare at shiny things now...**

**By the way, this story takes place two years after Book Six, I decided, so Harry and all his little friends are eighteen. The timeline isn't crucial, I just want all those main characters to be a year out of Hogwarts. **

**I've been looking forward to this chapter for a while. You see, I am a HUGE Draco/Hermione shipper, and since this story is about neither Draco nor Hermione and it's not even a romance… I just had to slip a little Hermione/Draco (who is incredibly OOC) in there, and Draco will make an appearance this chapter, so, without further ado…**

Take Your Kid To Work Day

It was Marissa's second day on the job, and she had no doubt that it would be as eventful as the first, for it was Take Your Kid To Work Day. She wasn't sure whether to be excited or depressed at this. Lucius was bringing his hot son (Marissa had seen pictures), but… what if he was like Lucius? Marissa could barely handle one exuberant Malfoy as it was.

She looked over at the bracelets on her desk. Ten down, fifteen to go. Voldemort had some new schemes to recruit more Death Eaters, though. She had been walking to her office this morning when she overheard a conversation between him and Rodolphus.

"I still say Avada Cruimperio works," Ro had stubbornly told Voldemort.

"It doesn't. It's impossible for a dead person to be tortured and controlled at the same time."

"You know that. I know that. But the rest of the world doesn't know that! We'll let it slip that we'll use this horrifying new curse on anyone who doesn't come to the dark side."

"They won't fall for it. Not every wizard is as dumb as you, Rodolphus."

"We'll ask some of the kids coming today what they think."

"Who's coming, again?" Voldemort said, getting out a sheet of paper and a pen that bore the label DEATH EATERS, INC.

"Hmm… I know we've got Malfoy, Nott, Crabbe, Goyle, and Zabini-"

"Zabini! Crap, I forgot to put the Zabinis on Marissa's bracelet list."

"I'll go tell Issa that she has three more to make." Marissa, now in her office with her ear pressed up against the wall, hurriedly sat down and began working.

"Four."

"Huh?"

"Zabini's got two kids. Blaise and some little girl. Something with a "B", I believe. Bambi… Belinda… Bella…"

"Caprice."

"Bless you."

"No, that's their kid's name. Caprice."

"I knew that. How old is she again?" Voldemort hastily changed the subject.

"Twelve, I think." Ro tapped his foot anxiously, ready to leave.

"Is she coming today?"

"I don't know. I doubt it. Isn't Hogwarts still in session?"

"He sends his kids to _Hogwarts_?" Voldemort asked scornfully.

"I would assume so, since Blaise went there. And so did Draco, and Gregory and Vincent and Theodore. Listen, Voldy-" The Dark Lord cringed at the nickname "-I'd love to stay and chat, but I gotta get got to work."

"Right."

Marissa heard feet coming down the hall, and a knock on her door, and she hastily added a stitch onto her newest bracelet.

"Come in!" she called.

Ro stuck his head inside. "Hey, Issa, just letting you know that you have four extra bracelets to make, for the Zabinis."

"Right. Gotcha."

"According to Voldemort, all the kids, which are your age, it appears, are coming in a couple hours, so you can take off then, if you want, and hang out with them."

"What are they like?"

Rodolphus took a seat. "They're all in a little group, I guess, and Malfoy is the brains and Zabini is the mind."

"Isn't that… the same thing?"

"Well, anyways, Crabbe and Goyle are two dunderheads, aka Malfoy's cronies. Him and Blaise are pretty good friends, I guess, and Nott's kinda a loner. There's this girl that they sometimes hang around with, Pansy Parkinson, but her parent's aren't technically Death Eater's so it's just them coming. Five guys."

"Please tell me Draco is nothing like Lucius."

Rodolphus laughed. "Draco is… different then his dad, certainly."

"What do you mean?"

"Um… you'll see. He'll like you."

"Why?"

"Um… yeah I gotta go." Rodolphus hurriedly left her office, muttering something about Bellatrix calling him.

Two hours quickly passed, and Marissa soon found herself watching the clock, anxious for the mini-Eater's to arrive.

A knock on the door sent her flying out of her chair in shock. "Who is it?" she called, fixing her hair.

"It's Malfoy and the group," a voice replied.

"Yeah, come in," she said.

The door opened, and a good-looking blond boy walked in, followed by two boys that looked suspiciously like rocks, and a tall, muscular black-haired guy.

"Hi, I'm Draco Malfoy," he said, holding out a hand with unusually shiny nails "and this is Crabbe, Goyle, and Zabini."

They other three nodded.

"Um," Marissa said, "so… you guys are a year out of Hogwarts?"

"Oh, my God, yes I miss it so much, because, you know, us four were the head of the male cheerleading squad, and it's so depressing not to wake up with my pom-poms every morning (they made me turn them in)." Draco said without hesitation.

"Really… male cheerleaders… how… fabulous…" she muttered. So _that_ was what Ro had meant by "different". Different was certainly one word for it.

"I was just saying to the boys that yesterday I got a this manicure-" that explained the shiny nails "- and, oh my goodness, it was just amazing. Pansy talked me into it, and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever done."

"Pansy… is that your girlfriend?"

"No, silly-willy, Pansy is just my friend, I'm dating this amazing girl, her name's Hermione, oh my goodness, what a sweet girl! I think she's "The One", but you never know, but oh, I love her to pieces!"

"How interesting… So, um… how long have you been a cheerleader?"

"Do you mean how long has he been actinglike a girlfor?" Blaise asked.

"Er…"

"He's been weird for as long as I can remember. Right Crabbe, Goyle?"

The lumps grunted.

"That means yes. I think."

"Thanks for making me feel badly, Blaise." Draco said. "I wish you'd stop doing that every time we meet someone! It's getting kind of old, now. I am who I am. I am a normal guy, I just like pampering myself! Is that such a problem?"

No one answered.

"Who else feels like they can do just the same things that the other gender does?" Draco demanded.

Lucius popped his head in. "I do!"

Marissa mentally killed herself. Like father, like son. "Good morning."

"Hi, kids! I just wanted to see if Drakie-Wakie wanted anything?"

"Morning, Daddy! Can I have a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off?"

"What do you say?"

"Please!"

"Okay, you know I'll do anything for my Drakie-poo! Have a great day, kids!"

Lucius left, probably to go spread sunshine to the other Death Eaters.

"So, _Drakie-Poo_," Blaise said nastily, "Since when do you get the crusts cut off?"

"I've always done that, but usually Mommy or a house-elf makes the food."

Blaise shook his head. "Malfoy, please tell me that you don't want me to go get you a glass of milk."

"Actually…"

Blaise shook his head and headed for the door. "Skim or two percent?"

"Skim, please. I'm watching my figure."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

Voldemort paced his office. The mini-minions were here today, and he was especially looking forward to seeing Draco again. What a sweet little boy! Maybe they should go on another picnic…Then again, maybe not. Last time Dumbledore had showed up and that spoiled all the fun. And he _really_ didn't want to see Dumbledore right now. As much as he hated to admit it, he probably should thank his former Headmaster for those lovely potted geraniums he had received for Christmas…

He stepped outside his office and ran into the group of kids now. There they all were…and Marissa was with them. What were they up to now? He decided to eavesdrop.

After a quick hello to them, they disappeared down the hall to the games room. Voldemort whisked a glass out of his robes and pressed on end against the door, the other to his ear. This was better than Extendable Ears!

"…so what do you think of the Death Eaters?" he heard Zabini ask Marissa.

"They're pretty cool. Some of them are kind of weird, though. Rodolphus has found about every combination of the letters in my name to call me by…"

"For a while there I was Aiseble to him." The group laughed.

Voldemort felt a growing jealousy. Who were these nasty twerps, laughing at some stupid joke that Zabini told? How come _they_ had the right to have friends? Voldemort wanted friends… and who better then the people occupying the game room now?

He barged in the room, causing Marissa to fall off the couch.

"What did the Knarl say to the niffler?" Voldemort asked. Without waiting for guesses, he pushed right on. "Let's go to the Three Broomsticks! Ahahahahahaha! Isn't that funny?" He slapped his knee.

"Ha…" a few people fake-laughed.

"Let's be friends!" Voldemort declared.

Even Draco didn't say anything.

"Let's go down to the Hog's Head, have a few butterbeers!" Voldemort suggested.

"I don't think so." Blaise said.

"Too bad."

"That's really okay, there, Voldemort."

"We _will_ be friends! Or else!"

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"_Crucio_!"

Thirty seconds later, Blaise picked himself up off the floor, still shaking. "We'll be best friends," he muttered.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Seven butterbeers, compliments of the Dark Lord," Voldemort told the bartender at the Hog's Head.

"Of course, Your Darkness," he responded, pulling a dozen and one dusty bottles out.

Voldemort levitated them back to the table, where the six teens had been placing a bet on who would get Crucio'd first. Six bets were on Blaise, and one on Draco.

"Drink up!" Voldemort said happily, as they stared at the glasses in mutual disgust. "Is there something wrong?"

"Are you sure this is… sanitary?" Marissa asked hesitantly.

"What does sa-ni-terry mean?" Goyle sounded out the word.

No one bothered to answer.

"Of course it's sanitary! Drink up!" Voldemort opened his bottle and took a long swig.

Everyone else with brains (which was everyone except Crabbe and Goyle) pretended to open the butterbeer and take a sip.

Voldemort, however, noticed. "I saw that. Why aren't you drinking?"

"Because oh my God, ew, this is sooooo disgusting, I mean, it looks like it's two hundred years old! Gross!" Draco sniffed.

"Drink it!"

"Yeah right. I'd rather go give my bal-" Blaise began.

"_Crucio!_"

Blaise sat up a moment later and grimly handed everyone a Galleon.


	4. The Death Eaters Film A TV Commercial

A/N: Hello, everyone! First off, I cannot begin to even describe how happy I am that I've gotten 33 reviews in 3 chapters. That's 11 a chapter (wow, I have such amazing math skills). If I could keep that up… whoa. I seriously might pass out from deliriously happy shock. I love you all, mes critiques! Mon amour à vous tout! (sorry, I guess I just really miss French class…)

**Also, sorry for the lack of updates. I kind of needed a break from Harry Potter… as of five minutes ago, thrice it is now that I've caught myself in the nick of time using the British phase bloody. Which means I'll have to work it into this chapter. Bwahahaha!**

**Disclaimer: Last night, J.K. Rowling called me. We talked for a while, she answered every question I had about Harry Potter, then proceeded to tell me for a straight three hours the entire plot of Harry Potter Seven. Oh yeah, and then she gave me the rights to HP. **

**Then I woke up.**

**Oh, and I also don't own Peter Francis Geraci. That name will not sound familiar to anyone except my fellow Chicagoans/suburbanites of Chicago. FYI, he has a commercial where his head appears next to something about Chapter Thirteen legal rights, and drones on in a monotonous voice about how he can get you out of debt. **

The Death Eaters Film A TV Commercial

Voldemort sat in silence, watching his new television (this time he had had the wisdom to send Rabastan out to get it instead of Wormtail). He had never ever seen something like this before. TiVo had made sure of that. But this horror… he had prayed that he would never have to see it. He had heard of them. But it was terrible.

He was watching a commercial.

A man in his sixties (or rather, his head) had appeared on a red background, next to white words, something about Chapter Thirteen. The man (the screen said his name was Peter Francis Geraci) began to speak, his voice never changing tone, about how American's Chapter Thirteen legal rights could help get you out of debt. "With thirty years experience, we're the law firm you trust," he finished.

And then, a smile crept onto his face. Yes… yes… of course… why hadn't he thought of it before? Well, he knew why… but still.

He touched the Dark Mark, and almost instantly every Death Eater was in the room.

"Yes, My Lord?" they said together.

"I have it! We will have more followers! This is perfect!"

"What is it, My Lord?" someone asked.

Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. "We shall make… a TV commercial!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Lucius snapped the clapper shut. "The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take one!"

"Action!"

Peter cleared his throat. "Hello. My. Name. Is. Peter. I. Am. A. Death. Eater. You. Can. Be. One .Too."

"Cut!" Voldemort yelled loudly from his director's chair. "Wormtail! What the bloody hell was that?"

"I was acting, My Lord."

"Well, you suck! Bellatrix, you're replacing Peter."

Bella shoved Peter out of camera range, and positioned herself so she could read the teleprompter (which had immediately been changed so he words applied to Bella, with a swish of Voldy's wand).

"The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take two!"

"Action!"

Bella glanced around sinisterly. "Hello, mortals, I am the legendary Bellatrix Lestrange. Bwahahaha!"

Rabastan smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Today, I present you with a once in a lifetime opportunity... To become a Death Eater! Do it! Join us, or I shall curse you into oblivion!"

"Cut!" an exasperated Voldemort yelled. "Bella, we're trying to _convince_ them to join the Death Eaters, not to become so scared of you they never turn on their televisions again."

"Oh. Right."

"Can we get someone _else _in there, please?"

Rodolphus took over for his wife.

"The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take three!"

"Action." Voldemort twiddled his thumbs.

"Hello, everyone! Do you need a job? Do you like traveling to unknown places, wearing black, and getting to use your wand a lot? If so, then join the Death Eaters! We'll give you a hundred Galleons a week, dental insurance, and your very own office! All we ask of you is that you pledge your life to serving our Dark Lord? What a deal! For more information, please call us at 1-800-328-3384, or, if you'd like to talk to the one and only He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, call him at 1-800-867-4353."

Rabastan's deep voice took over from offstage. "That's 1-800-328-3384. 1-800-328-3384. Call today!"

"And," Rodolphus finished, "sign up before September first, and we'll even pay for your uniform!"

"Cut!" Voldemort said. "Great job, Ro! And nice touch at the end, Rab. I think this one's the one!"

His speech was met by loud cheering and applause by everyone except Lucius, who was too tired from saying the title to talk.

Later that night, Voldemort was doing what any successful Dark Lord would do after a good day: He was writing it down in his diary in bed.

"_Dear Diary,_" he reread to himself out loud. "_Today was pretty good. We got the commercial done, Marissa finished five more bracelets, and best of all, I received some wonderful news. Lucius bought me some self-tanner!_"

A loud knock came at his door. "Come in!"

Snape stepped into the room. "My Lord, there has been some- What on earth is that? Is that a _diary_?" he sneered.

Voldemort's now-golden cheeks flamed red. "Er, I, uh…"

"Good heavens, is that… is it… no… My Lord, tell me it isn't so!"

Voldemort hid under the sheets.

"Oh, my God. You have a _teddy bear_?"

"It is not a teddy bear!" The covers muffled Voldemort's voice.

"Then, pray tell, what is it?"

No answer.

"What is it?"

"It's a stuffed hippo, for your information!"

Snape walked over and picked it up, almost immediately dropping it in disgust. "It's pink."

"So? Real men like pink."

"It's wearing a tutu."

"Ballet is very sophisticated."

Snape scoffed. "And you call yourself evil."

"I _am_ evil!"

"Yeah, right."

"At least I've never been on a rainbow."

Snape felt his cheeks grow hot. "I told you, damn it, I've never been on a rainbow!"

Voldemort popped his head out from under the blankets. "I've got proof."

"I don't believe you."

"_Accio pictures!_" A bunch of rubber-banded photos soared towards them.

"Let me see them." Snape demanded.

Voldemort handed him the snapshots. Snape smiled wickedly.

"_Incendio_!" he said, and the photographs immediately set on fire.

Voldemort kicked his covers off. "Damn it, Snape, did you have to set the whole bloody room on fire?" He performed an Extinguishing spell and water shot out of his water and stopped the fire.

"It did its job," Snape smirked.

"Snape?"

"Yes?"

"Get the hell out of my room."

Snape didn't move.

Forty-five seconds later, Snape stumbled out into the hallway, his body covered in boils, and could distinctly be heard muttering under his breath, "damn Dark Lords."

Around midnight, Snape snuck back into his Master's bedroom, and plucked the hippo from Voldemort's embrace.

_Hmm… what should I do with it? I could flush it down the toilet… no Severus, stop thinking like a Muggle… Oh! I know!_

Snape snickered, and dropped the hippo on Voldemort. With a swift flick of his wand, and a useful little bit of Transfiguration, a live hippopotamus now sat on the most feared man in the world.

"Goodnight, _Voldy_," Snape said. "Sleep tight." He exited the room. "_Colloportus._"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The next morning found most of the Death Eaters in their pajamas and robes, lounging around the breakfast table.

"Anyone seen Voldy?" Rodolphus asked. "I gotta ask him something.

Everyone shook his or her heads, including Snape. No way was he going to tell them that he had locked Voldemort in his room with a living jungle animal.

Marissa walked in, yawning. "Morning, everyone."

"Morning, Marissa," most people said back, the others too lazy or too tired to open their mouths.

"Oh, Mr. Zabini, Blaise told me to tell you that, um, if you make him babysit Caprice one more time, he's going to start practicing Unforgivables on you. Sir," she added as an afterthought.

Zabini turned to her. "And how did Blaise tell you that?"

Bellatrix stepped in. "Most likely he opened his mouth and words came out, Zabini."

"I know that," he snapped. "I meant, did he tell you that on Take Your Kid to Work Day?"

"Um, not exactly."

"I see. When did you last talk to him?"

"Last night."

"AH-HA!" Zabini yelled, and everyone jumped. "You've been seeing my son haven't you? I'll kill you! I'll kill you with my bare hands!" He reached up and grabbed Marissa's neck.

"Mr. Zabini!" Marissa squeaked, the sudden loss of oxygen affecting her voice. We're just friends! Honest!"

Zabini let go. "Oh, alright then. Sorry bout that."

She rubbed her neck. "That's alright."

Someone poured a bowl of Magical Munch cereal, and everyone began to eat.

Breakfast was interrupted a few minutes later by a loud scream from upstairs. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Help! Mr. Fluffers! No! It's me! Voldy-kins! Don't eat me! No! Help! Crap! My wand! You stepped on my wand! It's broken! Help! Snape, I'm gonna kill you! Help me!"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes, and headed upstairs.

Five minutes later, she and a shaken Voldemort came downstairs, him holding a freshly repaired wand.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Lucius was very irritable before he had his coffee.

"Mr. Fluffers… giant… evil…kill me… Snape…" was all Voldemort could get out.

Everyone's attention immediately shifted to Severus.

"I don't know _what_ he's talking about," Snape continued to put jelly on his toast.

Voldemort caught his breath. "He took Mr. Fluffers and transfigured him so he was a real hippo?"

"Who's Mr. Fluffers?" Marissa asked.

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Er...Look! A hippogriff!" He pointed out the window.

Everyone looked.

"There's nothing there!" Bellatrix scoffed. "Hey, where'd Voldemort go?"

**A/N: Just thought I'd mention: I've decided to read all the HP books (for like the zillionth time) again, in order, and I'm timing myself. Do you guys want me to put my times up? So far I finished SS and am like 1/4 through CoS. Anyways, please review! Reviews make me happy… very happy. Happy people like to update!**


	5. Voldemort Is Interviewed By DailyProphet

**WARNING: THIS STORY IS OFFICIALY POST-HBP**

**A/N: OK, five chapters into the story and I have decided to do… reviewer responses! Woo! And I shall do them magically! swishes wand nothing happens discovers "wand" is really a BIC pen. Oh well. I'll just use the keyboard.**

**blondiluvbanana: I will update soon… as you can probably tell if you are reading this now, LOL.**

**hogwartsgirl52: Thank you very much! I like that part, too. I personally think I should buy a Mr. Fluffers toy, in honor of the (now dead) original. **

**Sea4Shoes: I have to tell you, when I saw that that review was from you, my face lit up. I am so happy that one of my OC-er's (see? I can make up words just as good as the rest) had read my HP story. I very nearly cried. **

**AinoMinako: Although you review every chapter (many props to you), I seriously cannot figure out if you like my story or hate it! LOL. I am stretching the OOC thing, I'll admit. I was very proud of myself for keeping Snape pessimistic and evil (except for the whole rainbow thing). I kind of made up a Blaise character, terribly cliché, I know, but too bad. I like Blaise.**

**AlannaCrow: Thanks! I'm glad you like it.**

**xmnemosynex: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's funny. By the way, cool name. Hard to type, but cool.**

**caramel: Thanks! Glad to know somebody appreciated my time-and-read efforts, LOL. As for Marissa and Blaise… you shall see. Time will tell. All I'm saying is I like Blaise. He's cool.**

**leafs-gurl999: Thanks! I'm glad that you liked it.**

**starrysthestral: I am deeply honored that I made you laugh your ass off twice, LOL. I'm not a big Books 1 & 2 fan either... especially two. I don't know why, but they're just not as good. I'm glad you liked it.**

**Gemma: Woo-hoo! A review! I definitely agree with your whole writer-reader loop theory. No, I don't want that weighing on me, which is why I updated. **

**ciararocks: Thanks for your two reviews (and the ones for TD and LWP). I'm glad you like this (and my other) stories. I'm honored that you felt my writing was good enough to read 2 stories past The Diff. Thanks again! **

**IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE:**

**I am probably going to be changing my pen name. Just thought I'd let you all know so you aren't confused when you see a different name as the author of MFBFTDE (wow, long abbreviation). I don't really have any ideas on what I want to change it to (maybe Avada Cruimperio?) so if you guys think you have something for me, tell me. Would you feel special if I changed it to your suggestion? See, that's what I thought.**

**As you know, I'm reading all 6 HP books and timing myself, pretty soon I put up my scores in my profile. Also: After reading HBP for the second time, I think I'm ready to talk about it, LOL. I actually really want to discuss some stuff in it with someone, so if you want to talk about it with me, you an email me (my e-address is in my profile).**

**ALSO: If you want to see Mr. Fluffers (before he died) go to www. gocollect. com/ images/ SteiffBears/ 200/ 651632. jpg. I did not make that hippo up or anything: all I did was google stuffed hippo and BAM there he was.**

Voldemort Gets Interviewed By The _Daily Prophet_

Voldemort was nervous, but he would admit that to no one. He carefully straightened his robes, made sure his bracelet was in full vie, and headed into the room.

Immediately, his attention was drawn towards the woman sitting in the room. She was wearing electric-blue robes, and as she stood up to shake his hand, he noticed that her nails were painted bright orange. Ugh. He inwardly groaned. He had no idea that _she_ was doing the interview.

"Sit down anywhere you'd like, Voldy," Rita Skeeter motioned around her.

He cringed at the nickname and sat down on a couch about ten feet away from her. She frowned, and moved to a chair close to him. Much too close.

"So, Voldy, give me the scoop. I want it all."

He sighed. "What do you need to know?"

Her eyes gleamed. "_Everything_."

"All right then. Ask away."

"You mean I can ask you anything?"

"Sure."

Her Quick-Quotes Quill nearly wet itself.

"Is it true? Is Harry Potter The Chosen One?" She sat forward, eager to catch every detail.

"No, I decided to kill him and his parents, persuading their best friend into being a spy _just_ so I could murder them, and showed up in the middle of the night at their house and blasted the bejesus out of them just for my own personal entertainment," Voldemort snapped.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Of course not." Merlin, how stupid _was_ this woman?

Rita coughed. "Alright then. Is it true- have you _really_ returned to power? Were you in the Ministry that night three years ago?"

"Are you kidding me? No, I'm just living the quiet life at home with my friends. And as for that Ministry crap- honestly, do you think that I could get in there? Why would I even want to? I could have Snape steal Dumbledore's pensieve whenever I wanted- I mean, I didn't really need to hear the prophecy." That was close. He had almost given something away.

"Tell us, Vold, we've all been dying to know. How _did_ you survive that night when your Avada Kedavra rebounded on you?"

Psh. Like _he_ was going to tell her about his Horcruxes. "Um… when I saw it coming back, I ducked."

"But then why did you lose all of your power?"

"Because when I ducked, I, er, hit my head on the Potter's kitchen table, and knocked all the power out of me. Yeah. That's it!"

"Rumors have it that you hired a new recruit recently. Is that true?"

"No, I told you, I've been living the quiet life."

"Then how do you explain _this?_" Rita dramatically whisked out the front page of _Witches Weekly_. It had a huge picture of Marissa in her Death Eater robes, entering their headquarters.

"Oh? That? Um…" Voldemort furrowed his brow. Ah! Yes! "My friend Donovan Zabini was over with his son, Blaise, and she's Blaise's girlfriend." Thank Merlin that Bella had told him about Don nearly strangling her to death over a mistake.

"But then why is she wearing Death Eater robes?" Rita asked.

Damn. How was he going to get out of this one, without accusing anyone of being a Death Eater? Think, Riddle, think. Ah-ha. "Those weren't Death Eater robes, they were just regular black robes."

Rita didn't seem particularly satisfied with his answer, but all of a sudden something clicked in her head. "Wait. You're saying that that girl is dating Blaise Zabini?"

"Yes…"

"Oh my goodness! That's breaking news! How should I headline it? _Britain's Most Eligible Bachelor- Taken!_ That's good."

"Wait. What?" Voldemort was lost.

"So many girls have pictures of Blaise tacked up on their walls! They'll be devastated!" Rita looked positively delighted at the thought of it.

"I thought Draco was the Most El-"

"He _was_, obviously, until he started dating that little Mudblood twit Granger," Rita spat, pronouncing _Granger_ like it was poison.

"Why on Earth would _Blaise_ be anything like that?" Voldemort wondered aloud.

Rita snorted. "Let's see, he's hot, he's rich, he's smart, he's evil… Need I say more?"

"Um. Are we done yet?" Voldemort was anxious to get back to the headquarters. Bellatrix and Rodolphus said they had to talk to him about something.

"I _guess_," Rita sighed. "I'll send you a free copy of the _Prophet_ when we get it published."

"Great. Nice meeting you." Voldemort offered his hand.

Rita eyed it with disdain. "Likewise."

** xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

Fifteen minutes later, Voldemort rushed into his living room. "I'm late."

"We noticed," Bella responded dryly.

"Sor_ry_ if it took me forever to get rid of that Skeeter woman," Voldemort snorted. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Er… Sit down, Voldy." Ro looked a little nervous.

Voldemort eyed them with suspicion, but nevertheless took a seat. "What's this all about?"

Bella sighed. "We've noticed lately, that you seem, well, a little _too_ obsessed with ruling the world."

"I'm an evil overlord. That's my job."

"Voldy, face it. It's not the golden days again. Hasn't been the same since Harry Potter got in the scene. And although you do need to take over the planet, maybe you're taking it all a little too seriously." Ro fidgeted with his nails.

"Too seriously?_ Too seriously?_ How is attempting to rule the world anything but serious?"

"Um… Bella? Why don't you tell him?"

"Listen, Voldemort, we've signed you up for a class." Bellatrix pulled out a flyer.

_Are you an evil overlord who's just too caught up in the glory days? Can't get over that time when everyone feared you now, by now your name just brings laughter?_

_Then join H.A.S.B.E.E.N.S (Helping And Saving Bad Evil Empty Souls)! We're a group of people that will help you on your road to recovery from the life you used to have._

Voldemort threw the flyer down. "You're kidding!"

Bella shook her head.

"I will have you know, people won't even _say _my name because it inspires so much fear, not laughter! There is a whole _organization_ devoted to my destruction!"

"We know, Voldy, we're just worried about you. We think you should relax with some people who can relate to you." Ro prayed that Voldemort would go. If he didn't _everything_ would be ruined.

"I. Am. NOT. Going."

"You are." Bella pointed her wand at his throat.

"No."

"Yes."

"Never."

"You will go."

"I'M NOT GOING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Two hours later, Voldemort sat grumpily on a folding chair in a circle, surrounded by other folding chairs, and ex-evil rulers in the chairs.

"Alright, group, today we have a new wizard. Voldemort, stand up and introduce yourself," a plump witch with a nametag that said "Mrs. Hubblekins" said from somewhere in the circle.

Voldemort got to his feet. "I'm Lord Voldemort-"

"Hi, Voldemort!" the group chorused.

"But you shall call me either You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," he continued, glaring at Mrs. Hubblekins.

"Now, now, the first step to recovery is acceptance, and you must learn to accept your name, _Voldemort_." Mrs. Hubblekins said.

"I like my name! I love it! I made it! You all are not worthy to say it!"

"That's not very nice, Voldemort."

"Nice? _Nice_? I don't care about nice! I kill people! I torture civilians for fun! When I was ten, I lead two kids into a cave and by the time they came out, they were insane! I murdered my father and grandparents at sixteen! And I blackmailed Severus Snape with pictures of him on a rainbow!" Voldemort screamed.

Mrs. Hubblekins looked appalled. "That's uncalled for!"

"See? I'm evil! EVIL!"

"Well, then, we'll have to help you. Right, group?"

"Right!"

"First, you need to learn to like the color pink and bunny rabbits."

Voldemort stared. This was too much. Thank Merlin Bella had forgotten to confiscate his wand. But, first things first. He snapped his fingers, and ropes bound Mrs. Hubblekins and the group to their chairs.

He blasted a hole through the wall, and ran out side. Oh, yes. Oops.

He stuck his head back inside. "_Obliviate!_"

And with a small pop, he Disapperated back to the headquarters

"Hey, Voldy," Ro said, as Voldemort appeared in the kitchen. "How was the class?"

"Wonderful. They said I did so well, I won't need to come back again."

"Great! Hey, I was thinking. Our headquarters need a name." Ro munched on a Chocolate Frog.

"We've already got one."

"Really? What is it?"

"Well, since I am, as you know, an Evil Overlord and a Master of Anagrams, I combined the two."

"I don't get it," Rodolphus accidentally bit off half the card.

"I made our headquarters name an anagram of Evil Overlord!"

"Great! What is it?"

"Vile Love Dorr."

Ro frowned. "That doesn't work. That should be d-o-o-r, but it's d-o-r-r."

"I know. I got Vile and then Love, because, you know, love is vile, and then I had d or r left over, so I made it Vile Love Dorr."

"I should go make a sign for the front door that says, "This is a Vile Love Dorr." Get it?"

Voldemort sighed. "Yes, Ro. I get it."

"Oh, by the way, Voldy, just thought I should mention to you that you might not want to come to breakfast tomorrow."

"Why not?"

"Zabini's planning on killing you."

"Oh. Ok. I'm going to go head up to bed. Night!"

"Night."

Voldemort headed up the stairs.

Ro chuckled. "Three… two… one."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ZABINI'S GOING TO KILL ME?" Voldemort Apparated back downstairs.

"Take a look." Ro pulled out the new Daily Prophet.

A huge headline read: BLAISE ZABINI, ENGLAND'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR- TAKEN! Story on page two."

A much small line below it read. "Exclusive interview with Lord Voldemort, page sixteen."

"You're got to be kidding me," Voldemort shook with rage. "How dare she! She promised!"

Ro patted him on the back. "I know, I know. It must suck that she twisted your words and wrote that, huh?"

"Not that. She swore I'd be front page!" He flipped to his interview.

_Today, (writes Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent For The Daily Prophet) met with the man who was once going to take over the world- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He told me, in our exclusive interview, that he is happily retired, and is looking for a wife. Once a week, he has Harry Potter over for a game of chess or Quidditch, and he's thinking about opening up a restaurant. He sincerely apologized for any deaths he caused back in the 80's, and is asking for the Wizarding World to please forgive him. He squashed all rumors of a "Chosen One" and firmly denied of his presence in the Department Of Mysteries fiasco three years ago, again stating that he is happily retired. He also said, though, that he volunteers twice a month at St. Mungo's, helping the sick and the sick of mind. When asked about Professor Dumbledore's death (considering that he was sworn enemies with the man), he shed tears over the two-year departed teacher, and said that the day of Dumbledore's death was one of the saddest of his life. He also mentioned that donations for his charity, Stuffed Hippos For The Sick Little Muggle Kids, can be dropped off at St. Mungos for him, where there is an office for SHFTSLMK. _

Voldemort's jaw fell open. Happily retired? Wife? Harry Potter over for a game once a week? Restaurant? Tears over Dumbledore? "That woman is mad."

"Oh, Voldy, why didn't you tell us that you've got a charity for Muggle kids?" Ro asked, folding the paper shut.

Voldemort pointed his wand at Rodolphus' throat. "You have exactly seven seconds to get out of my sight before I kill you."


	6. Voldemort Discovers Some Unpleasant News

**A/N: Wow! We got past the 50-review mark! I'm happy :D especially cuz that took 10 chapters with my other story, The Difference. That one ended up with 120 reviews at 17 chapters. Well, this story gets an average of 10 or 11 r. a chapter, and it's gonna be more than 17 chappies… so… yay! You all kick major ass. (Review responses at the end of the chapter).**

**The name change: Thanks for your suggestions! So far people said Mrs. Hubblekins, Mrs. Fluffers, Vile Love Dorr, and of course Avada Cruimperio. I haven't decided yet, so if you think of anything else, tell me! I love hearing what you guys think.**

Voldemort Discover Some Unpleasant News About His Horcruxes

Voldemort lay back in his reclining chair. This was the life. Good thing he was immortal, or he might never finish the extremely humongous martini he was sipping.

Immortal... It rang a warning bell in the back of his head. Yes, he was immortal due to his Horcruxes… nothing new about that. He shook of the feeling that something was wrong and took a large slurp of his drink.

How fun. How relaxing. If only Mr. Fluffers was here to enjoy it with him-

The alarm bell went off again, and Voldemort realized what was wrong. Oh damn.

He stormed into the kitchen to find Snape prodding the figures on the back of the cereal box with his wand.

"Snape!" he thundered. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Snape was used to receiving daily death threats from the Dark Lord.

"No, seriously, this time I really am!" He pointed his wand at Snape. "_Levicorpus!_"

"That's not fair!" Snape protested, now hanging upside in midair by his ankle. "I made that one up! You can't use it against me!"

"Too bad. I did."

"What was it for _this_ time?" Snape asked, exasperated.

Voldemort's eye gleamed redder than they already were. "Remember how you turned Mr. Fluffers into a live animal?"  
Snape snickered. "How could I forget?"

"And remember how we had to kill him before he stomped on us and we died?"

"Yup."

"Well, guess what?"

"What?"

"HE WAS A HORCRUX YOU IDIOT!"

"Oops."

"_Crucio!_" But in Voldemort's anger, he forgot that it's rather difficult to curse someone while they are already under a spell. It reflected off Snape and hit Voldemort square between the eyes.

"Ow! Ahhh! Pain! Help! Stop! Make it stop, Snape! Owie!"

Snape laughed.

"Damn it, Snape!" Voldemort stopped shrieking long enough to realize he was holding a wand. "Finite Incantatem!"

His body relaxed as the curse was lifted.

Voldemort glared at Snape, who was unsuccessfully trying to hide his laughter.

"This is just great," Voldemort muttered. "First that stupid Potter idiot kills my diary, then Dumbledore burns my Slytherin ring, and now this? I've only got three Horcruxes left!"

"I thought you were supposed to have some from the house founders?" Snape asked, his face beginning to turn red.

"I did," Voldemort said shortly.

"But how…"

Voldemort sighed. "Duh. The ring from Slytherin, the cup from Hufflepuff, the sword from Gryffindor-"

"How did you do that?"

"Idiot, don't you remember anything? Did you forget that my most faithful servant was at Hogwarts four years ago?"

"Crouch?"

"Yes, Crouch, fool. I had him take that little bottle 1/7 of my soul was in, and turn that sword in Dumbledore's office into a Horcrux."

Snape furrowed his brow. "So you have the diary, the ring, the locket, the cup, the sword and Mr. Fluffers?"

"Had, Snape. Had. I _had_ the diary, the ring, and Mr. Fluffers."

"So now you've got the cup, the sword, and the locket? And, of course, yourself?"

"Yes. Snape."

Bellatrix burst through the door. "Hi everyone! My Lord, the sixth book has arrived!"

Voldemort jumped in excitement. "Good! _Liberacorpus_!"

Snape's body hit the table. "Ow."

FIVE HOURS LATER

Voldemort screamed. "Dammit dammit dammit!"

Bellatrix rushed downstairs. "What is it?"

"I just finished Half-Blood Prince, and I find out that _another_ one of my Horcruxes is destroyed! All I've got left is the sword and the cup! I'll _never_ be immortal at this rate."

Bella, who had finished the book two hours ago, had been prepared for it. "Do you know who R.A.B is?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Obviously! Why do you think I killed Regulus Black?"

Bella was grateful she was right. "Do you remember what they said in Book 5 when Harry was cleaning the Order headquarters? Remember, he found a locket that he couldn't open?"

Voldemort nodded.

"I'm willing to bet that if there is an unopenable locket in the house of the guy who said he'd destroy it, chances are that he didn't.."

Voldemort grinned. "You know what this means?"

Bella smiled.

"We're going on a trip!"

Lucius stuck his head down the stairwell. "Ooh, are we going to Starbucks? I could use a mocha latte right about now!"

An hour later, Voldemort and several Death Eaters walked outside of Starbucks, sipping coffee.

"Is everyone done?" he asked.

"Yes, My Lord," they chorused.

"Good! Now, we shall go steal my Horcrux!"

They Apparated to the outside of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

"Here we are!" Voldemort rang the doorbell.

A loud screaming could be heard from inside, and Voldemort tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for the stupid Order idiots to shut the screams up and answer the door.

Finally, the door opened a crack, and Voldemort saw two green eyes staring out at him. Joy. Potter.

"Who is it?" he asked suspiciously.

"It is I, Lord Voldemort! Twahahahahaha!" Voldemort threw his head back and laughed.

"Oh, really, is it? What do you want?"

"I want to come in and steal back my Horcrux that that blood traitor Black stole from me!"

"What's the password?"

"Password?"

"Yup."

"I don't know."

"Oh. Okay. Then I can't let you in. But I'm going to yell at you."

Voldemort's red eyes widened. "You're not going to…"

"Oh, yes. I am."

Bella let loose a scream.

"I don't get it. What's so bad about Potter yelling?" Rodolphus scratched his head.

"It's not just Potter, yelling. It's _Potter_ yelling."

"Huh?"

"He's gonna go all Caps Lock on us." Bellatrix covered her ears, as did Snape, Lucius and Wormtail. They had heard this before, and damn, did it hurt their ears.

"I HATE YOU, VOLDEMORT! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GREAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THOSE STUPID LTTLE DEATH EATERS AND ALL YOUR HORCRUXES! YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE ALL THE TIME? WELL, YOU CAN'T! BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE NO PARENTS, AND NO REAL LIFE!"

"That's for sure," Snape muttered. "First kiss at fifteen, what a loser."

"I HAVE HAD TO SUFFER SEVENTEEN YEARS OF COMPLETE _SHIT_ BECAUSE OF YOU, AND- AND…" Harry began to run out of words.

"That's all very well, Scarhead, but we really need to get inside." Lucius flicked some dirt from under his nails at the Boy-Who-Lived-For-Far-Far-Too-Long.

"I'M NOT DONE YET! NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THOSE STUPID BOY-WHO-LIVED THINGS! YOU PROBABLY MADE UP HALF OF THEM-"

Snape was absentmindedly rolling off a list. "Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Die, Boy-Who-Lived-To-Make-My-Life-Hell, Boy-Who-Lived-Just-So-J.K.-Rowling-Could-Become-A-Billionaire…"

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "And you think that those He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ones aren't bad?"

Snape switched lists. "He-Who-Must-Get-A-Better-Name-Than-Lord-Volemort-"

"YEAH? WELL MINE ARE WORSE, YOU STUPID, MEAN, DUMB, UGLY GUY!"

Molly Weasley showed up behind the Boy-Who-Lived-Long-Enough-To-Realize-That-Those-Boy-Who-Lived-Names-Are-Really-Quite-Frusterating-But-According-To-Voldemort-Will-Not-Live-Much-Longer. "Goodness, Harry, what were you going all Caps Lock on?"

Harry pointed. "Him."

Molly squinted. "Now, now, dear, that's a visitor! We must let him in!"

"Mrs. Weasley, I don't think you understand. We _can't_ let them in-"

"Nonsense, Harry."

"Excuse, me ma'am." Rabastan spoke up. "We're from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry. Now, no one hear is in trouble or anything, but we heard that you were having some trouble with some old Dark Items, and so we thought we'd stop by and take care of them for you."

"Of course! You said you work at the Law Enforcement?"

"That's right, ma'am."

"Then you must know my husband, Arthur! He used to work at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, and a couple years ago he was promoted to Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects. Have you met him?"

"Um… I don't think so. We're pretty new around the office." Rabastan crossed his fingers behind his back. "Anyways, we really need to go take care of that stuff for you."

Mrs. Weasley let them in. Harry looked shocked.

"Mrs. Weasley, they're lying! It's really Volde-"

"Yes, Harry, it is cold. So cold, I think you're sick. You pronounced cold like it was Vold! You should drink some tea or something." Lucius smirked, following the others up the stairs.

Voldemort hastily ran into the room and grabbed the locket that was sitting on a counter. "Yes! My Horcrux! It lives! Ha! Potter, you are such a fool for believing it destroyed, when really, it's right under your nose!Here, Wormtail, put it in your pocket for me." He handed it to Peter.

Wormtail grinned happily. Yay! Voldemort was trusting him with orders again! He was so worried he'd never get to do anything again after the PS2 special moves incident…

He took it from the Dark Lord, and went to put it in his pocket, when….

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW COULD YOU LET LORD VOLDEMORT IN THE HOUSE?" Mrs. Weasley's yell could be heard throughout the whole house.

Wormtail shrieked and dropped the locket. It fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.

Voldemort's eyes blazed. "I am going to KILL YOU!" he screamed.

Wormtail yelped and hastily Disapperated.

Voldemort followed suit, and soon found Wormtail cowered underneath the couch back at Vile Love Dorr.

"First," Voldemort seethed. "that damn Potter brat destroyed the diary. Then, Dumbledore got rid of my ring. Snape makes Mr. Fluffers alive and we had to kill him. I could live with that. I still had three left. And then I read Half-Blood Prince, and discovered Black, the blood traitor, destroyed my locket. Imagine my happiness when I discovered it was, in fact, still safe. AND THEN YOU RUINED IT!"

Wormtail whimpered.

"This is the last straw. The threats I have been making for the last ten years are not empty.  
"P-please, Master, I beg of you-"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Come, one, come all, see Wormtail, the acrobatic bear!" Voldemort called out, handing a flyer to a confused passerby. "See the great grizzly fly through the air on a trapeze!"

Wormtail sat on a platform a hundred feet in the air. Curse that damn Transfiguration.

**Review responses:**

**Sea4Shoes: I'm glad you liked it! It was tough, trying to decide what h.a.s.b.e.e.n.s should stand for, I must admit.**

**Elfbrat18: I'm happy you like my HBP-ness, and I hope you like the Horcrux related stuff in this chapter. I was surprised that you thought I got Rita right, I thought I screwed her up really badly.**

**Gemma: Thanks for the 'donations', lol. Voldemort will be so happy to know that someone supports his charity. Thanks for the name suggestions .**

**Blondiluvbanana: I was originally going to do the HASBEENS with other ex-dictators and such, but I figured it could possibly offend people, so I changed it.**

**Caramel: Thanks! They don't call me the Abbreviation Queen for nothing… well actually they don't call me that at all. I agree with you, Hubblekins is possibly the world's best last name.**

**Starrysthestral: Thank you! I like thinking I'm a genius (pats self on back). I'm very easily amused too... don't shiny things rock?**

**Hogwartsgirl52: Thank you! I am very happy that you liked it.**

**AinoMinako: LOL, I'm happy that you do like it. I have to say; it took my a few tries to figure out with TotP stood for… yeah being off of school has slowed my brain. I got that it was the Order though… see I've got brains?**

**Iluvryan: Yay! Another familiar name! I'm happy that you like my stories. I have to tell you, that 'truly amazing writer' thing made me smile for like, twenty minutes.**

**Ciararocks: Glad that you liked it, even if it wasn't as funny as before, sorry about that. Yeah, my math skills aren't the best, but I figured that Harry's parent's were killed in '81, and that since that was the year of his demise, '80 and '81 were like, the REALLY bad years for everyone. Ah, well.**


	7. Severus Snape Gets Some Hate Mail

**A/N: Wow! 72 reviews! That's 12 a chapter! Yes, yes, yes! I have to admit, this is probably my favorite story (of my own) in the world. Reviewer responses at the end of the chapter, as is my new custom. **

**By the way, my Read-and-Time scores for the first 4 books are up in my profile.**

**IMPORTANT: is it true that there is a new fanfic rule against reviewer responses? If so, _where can this be found_? I don't want to break the rules… but until I see _proof_ of this rule, I will continue the responses. **

**Also: Everyone has had ample opportunity to suggest a new pen name for me, and many have been submitted. Okay, not _many_… but a good few. I have decided to let you, the readers of MFBFTDE, decide. Send in a review with your vote in it. I'll tally it up, and providing I like the final decision, shall change my penname to the winning name. Just so you know, my OC readers are going to be mighty confused by all of this, so pick wisely. IF YOU HAVE A LAST MINUTE IDEA, you may submit it in your review, but do it ASAP. If I like it enough, I'll cancel the voting and add it to the list. The finalists are:**

**a) Mrs. Hubblekins**

**b) Mrs. Fluffers**

**c) Vile Love Dorr**

**d) Avada Cruimperio**

**ALSO: these names have a special relevance to this chapter. See if you can figure it out! First three people to get it will get… something! A prize!**

**Vote! Review!**

Severus Snape Gets Some Hate Mail From Angry Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince Fans, and Marissa's Ex-Slytherin Friends, Like Draco and Blaise, Are Initiated To Become Death Eaters.

(aka what a long-ass title!)

Severus Snape sat at the Vile Love Dorr kitchen table, munching on a Pop-Tart and discussing new people to recruit with Rodolphus.

"Face it, Ro," Snape sighed. "How many pure-bloods are out there that'll join the Death Eaters and spy on the Order for us?"

Rodolphus shrugged. "Dunno. But I've got a list."

Snape rolled his eyes.

"Weasley?"

"Four are immensely loyal Order members, one's an estranged bastard, two have a partially Anti-Dark joke shop, one's Potter's best mate, and one's Potter's still-loved ex-girlfriend."

"Okay, so no Weasley. Hmm. I was thinking-"

But what Rodolphus was thinking will never be known, on account of the three owls that landed on his head.

"Ahh! Snape, get them the hell off me!" Ro flailed his arm and screamed.

Snape just laughed.

Finally, the owls hopped off of his skull and onto the table, where the Death Eaters noticed each was carrying a large bag, presumably full of letters.

Ro pulled one out. "It's for you, Snape," he said, peering inside a bag. "In fact… they're all for you!"

"Huh? Why?"

But that answer was evident after reading the first letter.

_Dear Severus Snape (otherwise known as an evil, sneaking, lying, greasy BASTARD!)_

_You don't know, me, and you don't need to, but I am **disgusted** with you! How **dare** you murder Albus Dumbledore! You coward! He didn't even have a wand, you scum. After reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I firmly agree that Harry Potter and the Heartless Greasy Git would have been a much more appropriate title. You are the foulest creature on Earth, and I hope you rot in hell!_

Snape looked up, unsure whether to be amused or terrified.

Ro had been skimming a couple other letters. "Well," he said lazily, "most of them hate you and want you dead. But a couple think you did the right thing, a few pity you for being a pawn on Rowling's chessboard, and some nutty old lady from Pennsylvania wants to have- never mind. You don't want to hear. Even though that's probably the best offer you've gotten since Potter's had his scar."  
Snape chose to ignore him, and instead greeted the figure coming down the stairs. "Good morning, Voldemort."

"…first that retarded old Hubblekins freak wants me to like pink and bunnies, then I find out Snape killed Mr. Fluffers, what next?"

"Er… are you alright?" Snape asked.

Voldemort looked up. "Oh. Hello. What're all the letters?"

"Millions of grandma's across the globe have felt the need to express their love for Snape," Rodolphus explained.

Bellatrix skulked down the stairs, but brightened when she saw her husband. "Morning, honey-buns!"

"Morning, snookums!" Ro replied, casting the letters aside and kissing his wife.

Snape gagged.

Voldemort cleared his throat. "If you two would stop being so revolting for a second, you could listen to me tell you that there's a Death Eater meeting in the basement in about ten minutes.

Bellatrix jumped up. "Ten minutes? I have to do my hair!" She sprinted upstairs, but not without a last "see you in a bit, darling-warling cutie-pie!" to her husband.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Snape decided.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Fifteen minutes later, Voldemort had finally gotten everyone's attention. "Hello, minions."

"Hello, My Lord," they chanted.

"Today, we welcome some newcomers into our midst. Today, Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle shall become Death Eaters."

A round of applause was hear, and Marissa could be noticed to be clapping the hardest for the boys (well, some of them) who had become her friends.

"They also are the first, in all of history, to become Death Eaters without getting the Dark Mark."

"But then how will you contact them?" Rabastan wanted to know.

Voldemort grinned. "Simple enough. All I do is fiddle with the fringes of it, and they will feel a warm, tickling sensation on their left wrists. It also, coincidentally, has the convenience of being, unless you don't want it to be, completely invisible."

"Nice," someone in the crowd remarked.

"So, um, since I don't have to brand you with my painful Mark, I guess… just take the bracelets."

The five of them unceremoniously took the jewelry and slid it on their arms. The crowd applauded again, and as Draco walked back to the crowd, Narcissa Malfoy rushed up to meet him.

"Oh, my God! My little Drakey-poo's all grown up! I remember when you were a little baby, sitting in your crib, staring at your little mobile, and oh, Lucius, remember how he used to love playing with little Ron Weasley? Oh, they were such good friends. Oh, Draco, I'm just so _proud_ of you!" She enveloped him in a hug, tears running down her face.

"Um… Mum? Can you get off me?" Draco asked.

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were having immense difficulty getting the small bracelets onto their thick wrists.

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Need some help?"

Crabbe looked confused. "I'm not sure."

"_Engorgio_." The bracelets swelled up to twice their normal size.

"Wow, Goyle, look at that! They're big now!" Crabbe was stunned.

"Whoa… just like magic!"

"I know!" Crabbe breathed.

Marissa snorted.

"Are you okay?" Goyle asked, looking concerned.

"Yeah, I was just laughing."

Crabbe's eyes filled with tears. "Were you laughing at us?"

_Of course, you big dunderhead_. "No, of course not, I'd never do that, Vincent," she soothed.

"P-promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Okey-dokey!"

Marissa ambled over to Blaise. Out of the five Slytherins, she had become closest with him, closely followed by Draco, who was currently being still sobbed over by his mother ("Oh, Draco, when the Pampers commercial said "I'm a big kid now!" I didn't realize how _soon_ it would be true!).

"Hey, congratulations," she said.

"Thanks. You really made these cool-looking!"

At that moment, a particularly loud "Mum! Get off me! I have to go!" was heard from somewhere to their left. Blaise grinned. "Narcissa has no idea that Draco has to go meet Hermione. She's kind of… naïve about stuff like that."

"Hermione… isn't that Draco's girlfriend?"

"Mm-hmm, and she's in the Order."

"Does she know he's a Death Eater?"

Blaise snorted. "Of course. Why do you think he's been crying all the time lately? He just told her, and she dumped him."

"Draco _cried_?"

"Yeah… and finally she took pity on him and they're together again. But that doesn't hide the evidence!"

"…what?"

Blaise grinned wickedly. "You'll see."

Voldemort approached them. "Some of the guys and I are going out for some drinks. You want to come with?"

Blaise looked terrified. "No way, dude."

Voldemort smiled evilly. "Ah, yes, Zabini, don't think I've forgotten what happened at the Christmas party last year?"

Blaise's face immediately resembled the color of a tomato. "Nor have I," he muttered.

"What happened?" Marissa asked.

"I got so drunk that I thought a lamp was my girlfriend, and I-"

"Ew."

"Yeah."

**Reviewer responses:**

**Sea4Shoes: Horcruxes rock! Glad you liked it, Wormtail won't be showing up for a while. He has to… recover. Physically and mentally. Not that he was sane to start with, mind you.**

**starrysthestral: Yes! Someone finally took my profile advice and read those fics! Those are such good stories (although they are M for a reason), and I like a lot, too. I'm glad you liked the last chapter.**

**Elfbrat18: I like Mr. Fluffers as a Horcrux, too. Personally, I think that J.K. Rowling agrees with me on that one, too. ;)**

**BigFatBirdWithNoLegs: BTW, I love your penname. It's hilarious. I hope that I'm right in the RAB mystery… and I have read JKR interview transcripts to prove it (on the Leaky Cauldron Website, in case anyone wanted to know).**

**AinoMinako: LOL. Harry is going to be in a lot of trouble for that one (especially seeing that he let in his best friend's boyfriends dad… dun dun duunn).**

**majhal: Is that good strange or bad strange? Well, seeing as how I myself am off my rocker… I hope it that's good.**

**Perilous: Thanks for the suggestion! I might just very well take you up on that idea… hee hee hee…**

**CherryIzzy: Hey, I have a happy dance too! And an accompanying song... just ask on of my friends about the happy song and they'll cover their ears and begin to cry… Voldy loves stuffed hippos? LOL, might be a little too long, though. **

**nightwishaddict: LOL, I'm glad that you _almost_ fell off the chair- mind you, if you actually do, feel free to send me any hospital bills (I'll mail them to Voldy. It's _his_ fault!) Thanks for the compliments smile**

**ciararocks: I hope I'm right with that RAB bit. If I am… oh I am SO going to do my happy dance (and song. See CherryIzzy's response for more info bout that).**

**Gemma: Just wondering… are you on my Alert List? Cuz you always are anonoymous, but you get the story so fast… anyways enough with my nosyness. I'm really happy that you think I'm hilarious and smart! (could you please send that to a couple of my teachers? See look, Mrs. blank, you get a smart AND funny student this year! LOL. Don't resign as a fan- I won't let you! **

**Caramel: I'm glad you liked it! I'm not sure if HP bashing was intentional or not... I agree, that kid's Death-O-Meter has been broken for the last sixteen years.**

**Hogwartsgirl52: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's really funny! I wasn't so sure on that one… hop you like this one too.**

**Red Bess Rackham: You know, last night, I was looking at my Alert List and I went "Red Bess Rackham? Has she ever reviewed?" and then I looked at your profile and went "Damn, she's not going to be happy with the Kid To Work day" since it was all D/Hr, and you don't like it… but I'm glad you read it anyways (so weird that you reviewed like an hour after I thought all of that). But then, since this is _so_ not canon Draco, it's not _really_ DHr. Right? Maybe… Anyways, I'm glad you liked it. Keep reading! Oh, and BTW I had Hermione "dump" Draco just for you. Feel honored. **

**iluvryan: I'm glad you liked it! I hope you like this chapter, too.**

**gopherisgood: Wow! I can't believe someone thought about my stories when they weren't reading them. I feel special. Maybe I'll have them pimp the company minivan (aka the Death-Eater-mobile).**

**FanFictionFantom: Glad you liked it! Trust me, you're not the only one hoping Voldy avada's her...**


	8. The Death Eaters Go To A Bar

**A/N: Hey guys! I've been planning this for a long while… mucho thanks to Becca (AppleNamedBob) for ideas and planning on this story (even if she didn't let me type for ½ of it). Also… this chapter is PG-13. It's drunk Death Eaters- what did you expect? Reviewer responses at the end.**

**IMPORTANT:**

**Today is my birthday! Yay! And, seriously, the best present in the world that I could get is if everyone who reads this chapter reviews it. I know it's asking a lot, but all you have to do is click the little "submit review" box, and type in "good" or "bad". That's all I ask:-D You guys rock. **

The Death Eaters Go To A Bar And Get Completely Smashed

After the initiation ceremony, the Death Eaters were feeling pretty bored. So, they did the only sensible thing-they headed to Hogsmeade and got rip-roaring drunk.

Voldemort lifted his 14th shot of fire whisky. "To the Orderer!" he slurred.

The Death Eaters who weren't passed out yet raised their bottles. "Amen to that, brotha!" Lucius called out.

"Voldemort, how many times do I have to tell you to not get drunk?" Snape asked, still sober.

"I swear to drunk, I'm not god!" Voldemort accidentally tipped his glass over.

"Yeah, right."

"Fine, I'll admit it! I'm drunk on aljicohole!"

"What the hell is aljicohole?" Snape roared.

"This is!" Voldemort happily dumped the whole bottle onto Snape's head.

"Have a nice shower, Snapie-poo! But wait, you aren't in a bathing suit!" Voldemort snapped his fingers as best he could (it took him a couple tries) and immediately Snape was clad in naught but a bright red Speedo. _(A/N: Sorry for that mental picture.)_

"Must be that time of the month again, eh Snape?" Voldemort commented. "Or maybe one's swimsuit just turns that color after being on a rainbow for so long?"

Just then Lucius staggered over. "Hey look guys! Narcissa came!" He pointed at a tall coat rack.

Voldemort stumbled over to it. "Nice to see you again." He offered the coat rack his hand.

The coat rack did not shake his hand.

"Giving me the cold shoulder, eh?" Voldemort shouted.

Snape desperately looked around for a sober person. He didn't find any, but he did see Bellatrix and Rodolphus snogging in a corner.

"Who's the designated driver?" someone called out.

"You know who it is, it's me, it's always me! ME ME ME ME ME!" Snape screamed.

Voldemort ambled over. "Why, Snape, I had no idea that you were so conceited!"

Snape tried to protest, but Voldemort interrupted him by jumping up onto the table.

"I will now sing my most favorite-ist song evers! A one! A two! A one, two, four, five!

"Little Bunny Foo-Foo hopping through the forest, found a bunch of field mice and BOPPED them on the head-come sing with me!"

A chorus of Death Eaters joined in for the next verse: "DOWN came the good fairy, and she said: Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you, finding all the field mice and BOPPING them on the head!"

Voldemort came in for a solo: "I'll give you _three_ more chances-"

Snape cut them off. "Listen, guys. I'd love to listen to your renditions of Muggle nursery rhymes, but we've gotta go. I told Draco that we'd be back at midnight, and it's already 11:45, so-"

"Nonsense!" Voldemort roared. "We're not leaving until you get up on this table, in a tutu, and do the Macarena!"

"Then we're never leaving!"

"Yay!" the Death Eaters cheered.

Snape slapped his head with his palm. "No. We're leaving!"

"Never!"

"Yes!"

Voldemort smirked. "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest!"

The remaining Death Eaters started a conga line and everyone-including Snape- was pushed into a single file line and started to sing ("they can make me dance, but I won't sing!" muttered Snape) "Da, da, da, da, da, hey!" (Kick!) "Da, da, da, da, da, hey!" (Kick!)

"Get me out of here!" Snape yelled. "I don't _want_ to die!"

Voldemort laughed. "We won't kill you! Just let down your hair!"

"It's already down! Look! I've haven't worn it in a ponytail since the 80's!"

"Loosen, up, Snape! Have a fire whisky!"

"I can't! I have to safely drive you drunken idiots home tonight!"

Rodolphus (who had apparently detached himself from his wife's lips) strolled by them. "Hey! Watch who you're calling a drunken idio- OW!" He had tripped over a chair.

Snape snorted, and just then, something caught his eye- literally.

"Hey!" he said, snatching his eye back from Rabastan, who was doubled over with laughter. Apparently some people certainly relaxed with alcohol. "That's not funny! Levitating parts of people's faces, I ask you…"

"I thought it was hilarious," Mulciber choked out.

"Well, it's not. _Accio Eyeball_." Snape carefully put his eye back in its socket and stormed away from them.

"Boo!" Someone grabbed his shoulders.

"Ahhh!" Snape screamed like a girl. He whirled around to face Voldemort. "Stop doing that!"

Voldemort blew him a raspberry.

Lucius ran up to them and tapped Voldemort on the back. "Vold, I made up a joke!"

"What is it?"

"What did the mollusk, say to the doorknob?"

"I dunno."

"I'll EAT cha later! Ahahahahahaha!"

"That's hilarious!" Voldemort cracked up.

"Must…not…lose…sanity…" Snape muttered, looking for an emergency exit or perhaps a window to jump out of.

"You know what? Firewhisky rearranged is…" Voldemort leaned in and whispered in Lucius's ear. "Whiskfirey!"

"No way!" Lucius looked shocked.

Voldemort nodded solemnly.

Snape began to bang his head on the table.

_I should stop him_, Voldemort thought.

So he jumped on Snape's back.

"Damn it, Voldemort, that is it! We are leaving! All Death Eaters, to the parking lot, NOW!"

"DA DA DA DA DA HEY! DA DA DA DA DA HEY!"

"AND QUIT WITH THE GODDAMN CONGA-LINE!" Snape thundered.

As all the Death Eaters filed out into the parking lot, still conga-ing, Snape ushered everyone into the company mini-van. He was about to get into the car when Voldemort drunkenly shouted, "Snape, you're too drive to drunk! Wait… what did I say? Let me reread it." He snatched the page two of chapter 8 of MFBFTDE out of the sky and read:

_Voldemort drunkenly shouted, "Snape, you're too drive to drunk!_

Voldemort scoffed. "That's stupid. It would be better phrased as "_"Snape, you're too drunk to drive!" Voldemort drunkenly shouted_."

"Listen, buddy, too bad. Get back in the story!" the author shouted.

"Geez. Sorry. Snape, I order you to get out of the car, cause I'm driving!"

"Voldemort, I'm not going to let all these Death Eaters die just because you want to drive." Snape sighed.

"You wanna mess? Huh, Snape? Do ya? Let's go, right here, right now!"

"No, Voldemort, I don't wanna "mess" or so you call it. I'll tell ya I want, what I really, really want."

"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!" Rodolphus chimed in.

"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigzag _ah_." Bellatrix sang.

"If you wanna be my lover-" Voldemort began, but Snape cut him off. "We don't have _time_ for the Spice Girls! We've gotta get home." A chorus of 'aww's could be heard from the car.

"Okay, let's make sure we've got everyone," Snape sighed. He counted: "Voldemort, Bella, Ro, Rabastan, Mulciber, me, Crabbe, Goyle… wait. Where's Lucius?"

"He's still inside." Crabbe noted.

Snape ran back in. "Lucius! Stopping kissing the coat rack!"

"It's not a coat-rack, it's Narcissa."

"We've got to go."

"Okay!" Lucius attempted to pick up his "wife", who was cemented into the ground.

"We'll come back for her in the morning." Snape assured him.

"But then how can we-"

"Lucius, I do not want to hear about what you and Narcissa do at night."

"Well, in case you want to know-"

"We're going!"

"Fine, you big old poopy-head."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"We're home!" Snape called, pulling Voldemort (who had passed out in the car) through the doorway.

Draco was impatiently tapping his foot. "_Where_ have you been? Do you know what time it is? You are an hour and a half late! What took you so long?"

Lucius stumbled through the doorframe. "Who's that?" he asked, squinting at his son.

"It's me, Draco."

"Hi, me Draco. Nice to meet you!"

"What's wrong with him?" Draco asked. "Mum's coming in a minute, by the way."

"He's drunk," Snape said shortly.

Rabastan, Bella, and Ro walked in, with linked arms. "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!"

"Gotta get with my friends!" Bella's timing was off.

Crabbe and Goyle dragged Mulciber (who had also lost consciousness on the drive home) inside, dropping him on the couch, and proceeded to conk out on top of him.

At that moment, Narcissa Apparated into the room. "Lucy!" she squealed, hugging her husband.

"Why's a coat rack hugging me?"

**Reviewer responses: **

**BigFatBirdWithNoLegs: Wow! I'm glad that you check every day to see if I've updated. . Your vote has been counted.**

**.-.Shesshy-Kun'sMate.-.: I was totally in shock when I read that your friends read my story and talk about it anywhere that's not in front of a computer screen… tell them I say hi! and You all rock!**

**iluvryan: Glad you liked it! I thought that part was funny too.**

**Elfbrat18: Those grandmas are enough to make anyone cower under the bed in fear… thank goodness mine isn't obsessed with a greasy-haired git from England…**

**FanFictionFantom: I like the name too (your vote has been counted) Crumpet is such an entertaining word, I agree. BTW, I've started to read your Harry Potter parodies (I'm almost done with Sorcerers Stoned). They're good! Although Rabid does frighten me so…**

**Hogwartsgirl52: LOL, I laughed so hard at that list. It was hilarious. Your vote for my penname has been counted.**

**Ophelia: Glad you liked it! Your vote for my penname has been counted.**

**Gemma: LOL, glad you like it. I agree, Narcissa must make more appearances. Hee hee… don't mind me, just another evil idea brewing…**

**LoonyLuna48: Yeah, it was a little short. Glad you liked it! Don't worry, Blaise is done with the TMI.**

**ciararocks: Evidence? Evidence? There is no evidence! I'm not hiding it behind my back! Really! I don't think Draco's a Death Eater, because I'm rereading HBP now and I think that he was going to be one if he succeeded in killing Dumbledore. But too bad, he is in my story now. I'm having some writers block on LWP, but you should see an update like… now.**

**hisinspiration: Glad you liked it! It was nice to see a vote that wasn't or Avada Cruimperio, mind you. I think Mrs. Hubblekins is good, too. Well, I like them all, but too bad. You were so close on the thing! I mentioned the name of ALL the pennames in my story, not just that one. So close!**

**Perilous: If I could do that… I so would. I think it's a _little_ bit too long though, lol.**

**Wockygal: Mrs. Fluffikins? Do you mean Mrs. Fluffers? Or Mrs. Hubblekins? Or both? My brain hurts…**

**Sea4Shoes: Glad you like it! Your vote has been counted.**

**blondiluvbanana: Evidence? You shall see… you shall see.**

**AinoMinako: Yeah, just a little bit TMI… as for a plot, it sorta has one. Ish. There's a lot about Horcruxes in here, isn't there?**

**THE VOTES ARE IN!**

**Tied for third are…: Mrs. Fluffers and Vile Love Dorr, with 0 votes each.**

**Second is Mrs. Hubblekins, with 1 vote.**

**And the winner is… AVADA CRUIMPERIO! With a total of four votes. Yay!**


	9. These Horcrux Things Are More Trouble

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reviewing! I was so happy that my birthday chapter got us over 100! My long-term goal for this story is to get over 200 reviews. Which, considering we have 107 with 8 chapters, doesn't seem like it'll be that hard to accomplish. Anyways, I'm not going to respond to everyone that review, simply because I don't want to take this story off the web, but at the end I have a few personal responses. I'm really sorry about that! I love you all, and responded to your reviews in my head. But Big thanks go out to BigFatBirdWithNoLegs, The Cotton Candy Kisses, hisinspiration, Perilous, FanFictionFantom, AinoMinako, Ash Coffin, Gemma, ciararocks, LoonyLuna58, Seas4Shoes, wockygal, Ophelia, and jESSS for reviewing. (underlined names names of cool people who wished me a happy birthday!)**

**A/N 2: By the way, just thought I'd mention that for my b-day, I got tickets to see Wicked, which is the best musical ever! If you live in the Chicago or New York area (or I think Las Vegas, it might be heading there next) and you've got the $ (it's pretty expensive) go see it!**

**ALSO: I will be officially changing my name soon. I just have to put up a chapter of my OC story warning people that I'm doing it, and then the chapter after that it'll be done. Basically I should have it changed by next week. However, in this story I am referred to as Avada Cruimperio. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Thank God for that, I don't want to have to deal with some angsty, Caps Locked kid who wants to kill my precious Death Eaters. Don't worry, I won't let him, Voldy. **

Those Horcrux Things Are More Trouble Than They're Worth/ Today Is Not Severus Snape's Day

Voldemort paced. "I am pissed. I am very, very pissed."

"Why, My Lord?" Wormtail piped up.

"Because I have one Horcrux left. One! Uno! All I've got is that sword."

Draco cleared his throat nervously. "Yeah, about that…"

"What?" Voldemort snapped.

"Well," Draco said uncomfortably, "you know, last year, McGonagall became Headmistress, and she cleaned out Dumbledore's office, and the sword was in there."

"And…"

"And she gave it to Potter."

"WHAT?"

"There's more."

"THERE'S MORE?"

"Yeah. It was all dusty and dirty, and Potter like, held it out to Moody, and was like, "Can you get someone to clean this?" but Moody thought that Potter was trying to attack him with it, so he grabbed the sword and destroyed it."

Voldemort froze.

"Sorry 'bout that one, Voldy," Rodolphus said, clapping him on the back.

Snape turned with narrow eyes to Draco. "And just _how_ do you know all this?"

"Hermione."

"I don't believe it."

"So go ask her."

"Where is she?"

"Probably at my house."

"Why would she be at the Manor?"

"Not the Manor, didn't you know? We bought a cute little cottage together."

"Cute little cottage, yeah right." Blaise scoffed. "More like a giant freaking huge enormous mansion, that's what it is."

"Whatever. I'm going to go ask her." Snape turned to Apparate.

"I'll go." Voldemort interrupted.

"Are you sure?"

Voldemort scowled at Snape, and Disapparated.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Hello? Anybody home?" Voldemort asked after appearing in Draco's (and Hermione's) kitchen. "You there! House-elf! Get me the Granger girl!"

"Liddy cannot help yous, sir, for Liddy is not on duty!" the house-elf squeaked.

"Not on duty? What the hell are you talking about, elf?"

"Today is Liddy's day off, sir, for every Wednesday and Sunday Mistress Hermione and Master Draco has given Liddy the day off!"

"Elf! Do not lie to me, for I- what's that in your pocket? Is that a Galleon? I'll tell Draco that you've been stealing from him-"

"No, no, sir, yous don't understand! Master Draco has _given _Liddy this Galleon! It is part of her salary!"

"_Salary_?"

"Yes, sir, Liddy gets thirty-five Galleons a week!"

"_Thirty-five Galleons a week_? Is he mad? I trust that he tortures you if you burn his toast though, right?"

"No, sir, Master Draco makes his own toast. Liddy makes her own toast too! Liddy very much likes rye bread! Ah, yes, those wonderful Saturday mornings, eating toast and watching the Quidditch game on television with Master Draco…"

Voldemort nearly had a heart attack.

"Liddy? Who's that?" a voice called.

"Sir is not telling Liddy his name!" Liddy called back.

Hermione entered the kitchen. "You should have ask- OH MY GOD!"

"What in heavens name are you yelling for?" Voldemort asked, wincing.

"You- you- you're- Lord Voldemort!"

"It's _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_!" Voldemort snarled.

"Too damn bad."

"You suck."

"Why the hell are you in my kitchen?"

"Because," Voldemort said peevishly, "I have a question to ask you."

"I'll answer you if you never kill anyone again!"

"Too bad. Not gonna happen. So anyways, is it true that the sword of Gryffindor is gone?"

"No."

"Ha. You're lying. I love Legilimency!" Voldemort Disapperated with a crack.

"So, is it really gone?" Rabastan asked as soon as Voldemort had sunk into a fluffy armchair.

"Yeah."

"Damn!" Snape swore. "I'll _kill_ Potter for this!"

"Isn't is Moody's fault?"

"Yeah, but I hate Potter."

"Oh. Okay then."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Snape knocked on the door at Grimmauld Place.

Potter opened it. "Snape! Get the hell away!"

Snape swept inside. "Hello, Potter. You're looking quite mentally unbalanced this evening. Having more Caps Lock attacks, I heard?"

"At least I haven't been on a rainbow lately." Potter sneered.

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP WITH THAT ALREADY?" Snape screamed.

Harry looked apologetic. "Sorry, man, I just do what Avada Cruimperio tells me."

"I'm beginning to think that she has some personal vendetta against me!"

"Couldn't have been for killing Dumbledore, now, could it?"

"Oh yeah… I gotta go."

"Have fun on the rainbow!" Harry called after him.

Snape stormed from the house, and something hit him on the head. "Ow. What is this?"

The mailman smiled and waved. "More letters!"

Snape unopened it.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Snape burst into Avada Cruimperio's bedroom. "I am going to kill you!"

"Could you at least knock?" she asked, not bothering to look up from the computer.

"Fine." Snape went outside and banged on the door twice.

"Who's there?"

"You know bloody well who it is!" he snarled.

"You know bloody well who it is who?"

"What?"

"That's not a very funny joke," she remarked as Snape crossed over to her. "What do you want?"

"I want you to stop making everyone have those stupid rainbow jokes about me."

"You mean like "Look! There's a rainbow! Snape, I won't keep you any longer, we know you're itching to go on it.""

"Yes. Like that."

She laughed. "No."

Snape glared at her.

"What made you come here now, all of a sudden?"

"I thought that Potter joking about it had crossed the line, but then I got _this_." He whisked out the letter that had hit him on the head. "It's another one from the old psycho in Pennsylvania. _And next time you're on a rainbow_," he read, "_take me with you_."

Avada hastily turned her laugh into a hacking cough after seeing the look on Snape's face.

"Do you know this lady personally?" she asked.

"No. And you already know that! You write the damn story! You make my life hell! It's you! You you you you you!" Snape exploded.

She patted him on the back. "Mmm-hmm. I see. And how does that make you feel?"

"Like I want to rip your brain out and deep fry it in chocolate sauce."

"And, could you tell me, when did those dreams start?"

"Stop acting like a bloody shrink!"

"Wouldn't it be fun if I was one? I'm considering it, you know."

"The day that you become a psychologist will be a very depressing one indeed."

"That's not very nice."

"I'm not a nice person."

"I've noticed. Killing Albus Dumbledore was not on the top of my "Reasons-Why-Snape-Is-A-Kind-And-Polite-Person" list. Anyways, I'd love for you to stay and chat, Severus, but I really have to get back to what I'm doing. It stinks, you know. School. Back to hours of homework and less time to update."

"I don't care! I'm leaving!"

"Good."

"Fine!"

"Alrighty then."

Snape Apparated back into Vile Love Dorr.

"I hate her! I hate her!" he fumed.

"Who?" Lucius asked, folding his copy of _Wizard's Weekly_ shut.

"Her! Avada Cruimperio? She's an evil, knieving bitch."

"I'd watch what I say about her, if I were you."

"Why should I? She can't hear me, that foul, twisted, horr-OW!" A heavy book had fallen out of the ceiling and hit him square on the head. "What's this?" He picked up the volume, and looked at the title. "Alge… Al-geh-bra. What's Al-geh-bra?" he asked.

"I think it's Muggle math."

""Stupid damn author, dropping her textbooks on hy head, she's so stu- OUCH! Those metal things hurt! What is it this time?" He grabbed the large blue five-subject spiral notebook. "Math Notebook."

"It probably goes with the Al-geh-bra thing," Lucius noted.

He opened up the textbook to see a large yellow sticky piece of paper on the inside:

_I told you that this homework takes up a lot of my time, which means I've got a bunch of heavy books at my disposal. Be nice to me or they'll all end up shoved up your ass!_

**Selected reviewer responses:**

**The Cotton Candy Kisses: I made up that joke about a year ago, under the influence of sugar. My parents blush and pretend they don't know me whenever I say it out loud, so I'm glad I've shared the legacy to someone who get it.**

**FanFictionFantom: I'll review the next chapter of CoS. **

**Gemma: I'm an idiot who laughs at drunk people too, especially since I was as good as drunk when I wrote this, and laughing my ass off at myself…**

**LoonyLuna58: I laughed so hard when I read your review about the dancing monkey, my mom wanted to know if I was dying or something.**

**jESSS: Your review kind of confused me.. did you have the Caps Lock on? Tsk, tsk.. you know how much we reprimand Harry for that. As for the length, I'm not planning on finishing it anytime soon. I don't _want_ to be murdered by hoards of any fans, thank you very much.**


	10. The Death Eaters Go On A Road Trip

**Disclaimer: Which of the following is NOT true: A) I own Marissa. B) I own MFBFTDE. or C) I own Harry Potter, his friends, his enemies, McDonalds and Jesse McCartney.**

**If you said C, you're right! BTW, thank God I don't own Jesse McCartney… might have to kill him if I did… **

**A/N: So, I decided that, for many reasons, it would be in everyone's best interest for me to get a website for my stories. I now have a LiveJournal that you all can go to to check out what's happing in the writing world of Avada Cruimperio. NOTE: Since has banned reviewer responses, I'm going to put them up on the LiveJournal (you can find the link on myprofile, under homepage) It'll also have when I'm planning on updating, if I have writers block, polls, and the like. Check it out, bookmark it, make a song of devotion to it- I don't care. But please look at it! **

The Death Eaters Go On A Road Trip

"So, tell me again why we're getting in the car and driving to halfway across the country toIllinois?" Rodolphus asked as he lugged a suitcase outside.

"Because," Voldemort said, inwardly snickering as he levitated his luggage into the Death Eater-mobile. "After I discovered that I have no Horcruxes left, I made some more and need to scatter them all over the world."

"But why Illinois?"

"Because it has special meaning to me."

"All I know about it is that that goddamn writer ofMaking Frienship Bracelets For The Death Eaterslives there. Hey, you! Get the rest of the bags in the car!" He sent his stuff flying towards a nameless unsuspecting coworker.

"Well, that is an interesting coincidence, but the American Quidditch Hall OF Fame happens to be in Chicago, and we're hiding it there. You'll see."

"Why can't we just Apparate there?"

"Because we have to take the long way so that accursed author can write more "fanfiction" about us and the daily stupid shit that we do."

"Ah. I see."

"Hey! We've got everything loaded!" Crabbe called.

"Excellent!" Voldemort hurried inside the car. "I'm driving."

"Shotgun!" ten different voices called at once.

"Play rock, paper, scissors for it." Voldemort decided.

After several "That's not fair! Two out of three!"'s and a few "Oops. I meant rock. That was an accident."'s and a couple "I'll kill you if you don't let me win!"'s, Bellatrix was declared the winner, after nearly cutting her brother-in-law's hand off.

As Voldemort backed out of the driveway, Rodolphus began to sing. "Ninety-nine bottles of butterbeer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of butterbeer! Ya take one down-"

"Shut up, you moronic excuse for a Death Eater, shut up!" Bellatrix turned around and glared daggers at him.

"Hey! Be nice to me, I'm your husband."

"I know, sweetie-weetie tootsie pie, I was just getting a teensy bit aggravated. I'm sorry, love."

"It's forgiven, poppet."

Blaise pretended to throw up.

Draco noticed. "What was wrong with that? It's so sweet how after being married for like, an eternity, their love is as strong as ever, even if Aunt Bellatrix needs some anti-wrinkle cream."

Bella twisted her head around. "Draco, I don't _care_ if you are my nephew, I have no problem with blasting you out of the car."

Draco chose that moment to cower under a pillow in fright.

**a half hour later**

"New York!" Lucius squealed.

"Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Harold Square..." Ro trailed off after seeing his wife's expression.

"What was that about New York?" Marissa asked.

"I saw a New York license plate," Lucius explained. "And- ooh! Look! Pennsylvania!"

Snape paled.

Rodolphus snickered.

"What's wrong with Pennsylvania?" Draco asked.

"Snape's girlfriend lives there," chortled Rodolphus.

Draco's "Ooh! Who is she!" was drowned out by Blaise's "Snape has a _girlfriend_?"

"I do not, thank you very much!" Snape had now turned the color of a tomato. "She was just someoldladywhowrotetomeandwantstobangme," he muttered under his breath.

Blaise's expression turned to one of glee. "An old lady from Pennsylvania wants to f-"

"Rhode Island!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Seven hours into the journey, much had changed. In the way back, Draco was busy writing a ten-page love note to Hermione, and Blaise and Marissa had fallen asleep, her head on his shoulder. In the next row up, Snape was sorting his fan mail (thanking Merlin that there were none from the old perverted lady), Rabastan was muttering in his sleep about flying iguanas, and Macnair was drawing a lovely picture of a beheaded crup.

Lucius and Rodolphus had each brought a large supply of Pixie Stix, which was keeping them highly entertained. Up front, Bellatrix was arguing with Voldemort about which radio station to listen to.

"Ugh, turn the dial, I _hate_ Celestina Warbeck," she declared.

"Fine. Ooh, the Weird Sisters! I love them!"

"I _abhor_ pop music! It' all Britney Spears' fault!"

"You seemed to like pop when you were singing the Spice Girls last week."

"That was different. I was drunk."

"Speaking of under the influence… please tell me that back there is not your husband, it's just someone under Polyjuice."

"Why?" Bellatrix turned to look at Ro.

"Hi-Bellatrix-wow-its-a-great-day-oh-I'm-having-so-much-fun-oh-my-goodness-I-just-love-these-Pixie-Stix-they're-simply-wonderful-don't-you-think?" Rodolphus rushed.

"Shit."

Lucius was bouncing in his seat. "Ooh! Look! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio!"

"We're _in_ Ohio, you blithering idiot!"

"Now-now-that's-not-very-nice-now-is-it-my-dear-Bella-oh-no-now-we-mustn't-call-Lucius-neither-blithering-nor-idiot!"

Voldemort sighed, and changed the station.

"Ooh! I love this song! _I'm gonna conquer the world, oh yeah, mm-hmm!_" Voldemort sang.

"Who's it by?" Macnair asked.

"Not sure."

"Well, I don't like it. Too depressing." Bellatrix changed the station.

At once, the song that filled the air made everybody shriek in horror. "I want yoooouu and your beautiful soul!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! JESSE MCCARTNEY!" everyone screamed.

"Turn if off, turn it off!" Bellatrix sobbed.

Lucius plugged his ears. "LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR THAT ATROCIOUS MUGGLE SINGER! MY HAIR IS SOOO MUCH COOLER THAN HIS! I THINK-"

"Lucius, I changed the station."

"Oh."

Draco coughed. "Ex_cuse_ me, but I am trying to write here, and it's extremely difficult when you all won't husha-shusha!"

"Sorry," everyone apologized.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Hey, Voldy?"

"What?"

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"But I'm bored." Ro protested. "Can't you Apparate us and the car there?"

"As soon as I teach Mr. Fluffers to fly."

"And… how long will that be?"

Voldemort sighed. "We'll be there in a few hours."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Voldy?"

"Yes?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"You should have gone before we left."

"But I have to go!"

"We'll pull over at the next rest stop."

"But I'm hungry, too."

"So have a bag of chips. They're in the bag by Rabastan."

"But I want a _meal_."

"So we'll go to the drive-thru at the next McDonald's we see."

"But I want to go _inside_ a restaurant and have someone serve me."

"Well, then, you're out of luck."

"You suck."

"Deal with it."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Voldy!"

"_What_?"

"Lucius is poking me!"

"Lucius, stop poking Rodolphus or I'll Crucio you."

"I didn't touch him!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Dad, start acting your age."

Lucius stuck his tongue out at his son.

"If you do that one more time… Does anyone else get the feeling thatLucius and I have switched places?" Draco wondered.

"Voldy!"

"Lucius, _stop poking him_."

"It's not that. I _really_ have to go to the bathroom."

"Fine. Pit stop!" Voldemort swerved off the road and down an exit ramp to a rest stop.

"Yay!" Rodolphus threw open the door and ran out of the car, Lucius at his heels.

Draco pinched Blaise, whose head shot up as he awoke, stirring Marissa from her sleep.

"What did I miss?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Rest stop." Draco explained.

Blaise raced outside, closely followed by his friends.

The Death Eater-mobile soon emptied out, as everyone took full advantage of the restroom facilities.

Fifteen minutes later, Voldemort did a quick head-check, and they were back on the road.

"Voldy?"

"If you tell me that you've got to use the bathroom, I will have Macnair chop off your head."

"No… I'm hungry."

"Me too!" Lucius piped up.

"Then you shouldn't have eating those Pixie Stix, which make you more hungry then you were to start out with."

"Please?" Ro begged.

"Fine. We'll drive through McDonalds. And that's the best you're getting."

"I'm hungry, too!" came three voices from the backseat.

Voldemort sighed. "Is anyone else hungry?"

"Yes!" everyone else exclaimed.

"Hi, welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"

"Um, yes, we'll take two plain hamburgers, one Big Mac, one cheeseburger, a Filet-O-Fish, a Crispy Chicken Caesar salad, a three-piece Chicken Selects, an Oreo Flurry, a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and a kid's cheeseburger."

Lucius blushed at the mention of the last item.

"Would you like fries with that?"

"Um. Sure. Ten orders of medium fries."

"Thank you, sir. That will be forty do-"

"Money? MONEY? I'm not paying you, you filthy thieving American Muggle!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but you either have to pay or not get your food."

"I will get my food but I won't pay!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Voldemort, you better thank your lucky stars that we Obliviated all of those Muggle please-men that were going to throw you in jail." Bellatrix snarled three hours later.

"I'm sorry, but what was I supposed to do? Pay? I don't even have any money! Hell, I don't even have a driver's license!" Voldemort poked her.

"You better keep both hands on the wheel!" she ordered.

"You better shut up before I make you!"

"Ooh, I'm so scared!" Bella sneered.

The next minute, a large earthworm sat in the seat next to Voldemort, where Bellatrix had been. Rodolphus stared in horror.

"You just turned my _wife_ into a bug!"

Blaise sniggered. "At least we don't have to hear any more ridiculous nicknames from you two anymore, _Rodie-sweet kins_."

"Hey! Only Bellatrix can call me that!"

Blaise rolled his eyes.

"Did we ever get that food?" Draco wanted to know.

"No. The please-men ate it all."

Voldemort didn't notice when, a few minutes later, Rodolphus turned Bella back into a human.

He reached over and turned the radio station. "Ah, yes. The Weird Sisters. Now Bellatrix can't change the dial."

"Oh, yes, I can."

"DAMMIT!"

"I can't _believe_ you turned me into a worm, you foul, disgusting, mentally ill-"

"Hate to break up the love fest," Draco interrupted, "but we're here."

**To be continued….**

**Next chapter! "The Death Eaters Attempt to Hide A Horcrux in Illinois!" Check out My LiveJournal! And most importantly, review! For those of you who are on the alert/favorite list and don't review, _I know who you are_. And so, I must convince you to review! Or rather, Draco must convince you to review…**

**Draco: Hey! That's not fair! I'm a good Death Eater! Don't pick on me! Pick on Snape!**

**Avada Cruimperio: I already pick on Snape.**

**Draco: Pick on Rodolphus! Pick on Bellatrix! Pick on Voldemort! Anyone but me! I don't want to convince your stupid readers to review!**

**readers and author gasp **

**Avada: Oh no, you did not.**

**Draco: What?**

**Avada: How _dare_ you call them stupid! _They_ didn't take Remedial Transfiguration!**

**Draco: I never took Remedial Transfiguration on Wednesday nights at 7:45 in McGonagall's classroom! Honestly! **

**McGonagall: Yes, you did, you filthy little swine!**

**Avada: When did _you_ get here?**

**McGonagall: Just for the point of evidence. See you later!**

**Draco: This is quite possibly the dumbest thing you've ever written,_ including_ Chapter Three where I'm portrayed as metrosexual.**

**Avada: Because you are.**

**Draco: Yeah, well, that was dirty! You have to make someone else weird, too.**

**Avada: Trust me, you're one of the normal ones.**

**Draco: Yeah right.**

**Rodolphus enters, wearing a long red prom dress and a rainbow curly clown wig **

**Ro: The hills are alive, with the sound of reviewers!**

**Draco: I take it back. Ro wins.**

**Ro: The reviews they have typed, they come in the thousands!**

**Draco: She wishes.**

**Rodolphus: The reviews fill her heart with a sense of loving!**

**Draco: Are you done singing yet?**

**Ro: Sheesh. Fine. **


	11. The Death Eaters Try To Hide A Horcrux

**A/N: I was ecstatic with the number of reviews last chapter, I was glad that you all liked it. As always, these days, reviewer responses are on my LiveJournal, the address of which can be found in my profile, or, go to www. livejournal . com / user / Avada Cruimperio / (take out all the spaces).**

**When I was eleven I got my head stuck ina revolving door.**

**I'm random.**

**Disclaimer: Do I even need to say it? -legal people throw books at my head- Okay, apparently I do. I don't own Harry Potter -more books are thrown- Or any of J.K. Rowling's characters OR -catches book- plots or ideas. It's all hers. 'Cept the stuff that's mine.**

Rodolphus stared up at the tall building. "I thought you said that we were going to the Quidditch Hall Of Fame."

"I did." Voldemort came up behind him. "So- oh."

What had once been the American Quidditch Hall Of Fame was now the Building Of Registry For All Fanfiction Harry Potter Based Writer-Created Characters.

Snape voiced their feelings. "What does that even _mean_?"

"I think," Blaise retorted, "that it's a place fanfiction writers go to register their characters that they've created and put in their Harry Potter stories."

"No crap." Snape shot back. "What I should have said is "What the hell?""

A teenage girl glared at them and tapped her foot anxiously. "Listen, buddy, I've gotta put up my new story by eight o'clock and if I don't register my character, I'm screwed. The place closes at seven. It's six-thirty."

"So?" Bellatrix sneered.

"You're blocking the door."

"Geez, sor_ry_."

They all went through the revolving doors. Lucius was very amused by the doors, and ran around in circles in it.

"Lucius, get in here!" Voldemort rolled his eyes.

Lucius bounded out- unfortunately, at the wrong moment.

"Ahh!"

"Who in the world besides a Malfoy could get their head stuck in a revolving door?" Snape asked.

"Help! Help! I'm stuck! Ouch!"

People outside were looking murderously at the Death Eaters.

Voldemort casually blasted the entrance apart.

Befuddled fanfiction writers stepped through the rubble, looking oddly at the minions and their leader, but saying nothing.

Lucius conjured up a mirror, and hastily brushed his hair. "Oh, my goodness, Voldemort, did you _have_ to do that? My hair looks horrible! I'll have concrete in it for a week!"

"Sometimes I worry about your sexuality," Rodolphus muttered under his breath.

"Ahem," someone coughed. The group turned to see a bored-looking man in a black suit. "You want in, you gotta go through security."

Everyone looked confused.

The man sighed. "No, I said, I don't want to be a doctor, Mom, I want to be a security guard for stupid authors that probably are as dangerous as a snail with training wheels. I should have gone to college, I should have-"

"So what do we have to do?" Snape interrupted.

"Place all loose objects in this tray, and step over the threshold."

Ten pockets were empty and a tray heavily laded with watches, wands, Galleons, books, Death Eater membership cards, bracelets, and wallets.

Everyone got through the metal detector without problem- except, of course, for Lucius.

"Anything metal under the cloak?" the guard asked.

Lucius looked guilty. "No."

"What is it?"

"So what if I like to wear boxers made out of pure silver!" he blurted out.

The guard scooted away in disgust. "Sick, man, sick. Take your stuff and go!"

"You wear metal underwear?" Draco asked his father as soon as they were out of earshot of security.

Lucius turned a lovely shade of crimson.

The group put their heads together and conversed in whispers, occasionally stealing glances at the other patrons.

"What are we going to do?" Bella asked.

"Who out of the ten of us could pass for a fanfiction writer?" Voldemort asked.

Everyone stared at Marissa.

"Why me?" she asked.

"_Because_," Voldemort said of it exasperatedly, "A, you're the right age. B, no one will recognize you. They all know us. Come to think of it though, you're probably in the files here somewhere-"

"Damn right, she is."

They all turned.

"Not you again." Snape moaned.

Avada Cruimperio glared at him. "Look out the window."

Snape's head turned. "AHHH! A rainbow!"

"_What_ are you all doing here?" she hissed.

"Hiding my Horcrux."

"You idiots were supposed to be in the Quidditch Hall Of Fame."

"It's gone!"

"That would be because it's in _Cincinnati_, not Chicago, you dunderheads."

"Ohhhhhhhh."

"Why are you here, anyways?" Snape had apparently recovered from the sight of the rainbow.

"Because I just am. Anyways, as long as you're here, you may as well hide it. But if you _dare_ to injure any of my reviewers in the process…" She slid a finger across her throat.

"Fine."

With a puff of silver shiny smoke, Avada disappeared.

"Alright. I say, we find Marissa's record, and turn that into the Horcrux." Voldemort suggested.

Marissa looked nervous. "That won't kill me, or anything, will it?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay…"

Voldemort marched up to a desk. "I am the all-power-"

"Let me handle it." Marissa interrupted. "Hi, I'm Avada Cruimperio, and-

The clerk eyed her suspiciously. "You don't look like her."

She glanced in Voldemort's direction.

"Act like her!" Voldemort mouthed.

Marissa turned back to the clerk. "Are you saying that I'm not Avada Cruimperio? You don't even recognize your own customers! You are unfit to work here! Let me talk to your manager! I will make _sure_ that you're fired!"

The clerk looked wildly around. "No! No! Look, Ms. Cruimperio, that's really not necessary. What do you want? Anything, anything at all."

"Er, I want a look at one of my files… I think…"

"File? Which one? You have so many…"

"I do?"

"Yes… you're sure you're Avada Cruimperio?"

"Manager!"

"Of course you are!"

"Exactly. Is there something on a Marissa-"

"You?"

"Huh?"

"That's you. Marissa. That's your name. It's also the name of two of your characters."

"Wow, she must- I mean, I must really like my name. So, er, could I take a look at the Marissa from Making Frie-"

"Of course! Have a great day!"

He handed her a sheet of paper.

"I'll, er, bring it back soon."

Voldemort rushed them away.

"Okay, I'm going to perform the highly difficult and immensely dangerous spell used to separate my soul. I may die in the process. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Abra Cadabra!"

POOF.

Voldemort had turned into a stuffed pink hippo.

"Mr. Fluffers?" Snape asked incredulously.

_Turn me back, you fool!_ Vold- er, Mr. Fluffers thought.

Bellatrix sighed, and swished her wand.

Voldemort appeared back in human form. "Yeah, totally forgot that I changed the spell. I've got it now. _Changio Into Horcruxio_!"

The piece of paper screamed. "AHHHHHH! I'M ALIVE! I'M A SEVENTH OF VOLDEMORT'S SOUL!", spat oatmeal at them, and then fell silent.

"Does that always happen?" Marissa asked curiously.

Voldemort had his arms crossed protectively ove his head. He slowly lowered them.

"Go take it back to the clerk," he instructed. "If we don't get rid of it in the next five minutes, it starts reciting the Quaker Oats commercial.

She quickly ran it over, and came back. "What now?"

Voldemort checked his watch. "Well, it's only six forty-five. We don't have to be back at the hotel until nine."

"Let's go out for dinner!" Draco suggested.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Ten Death Eaters, clad in dark hooded robes, sat awkwardly at a table in Wizarding Chicago's number one restaurant, Pumpkin Juice. They had received many strange looks from people sitting around them.

"I feel like such an idiot," Snape mumbled.

Lucius had a permanent smile plastered on his face. "Just smile and look cute, Snape."

Bellatrix sniggered. "Since when is Snape cute?"

Rodolphus signaled over a waiter. "Excuse me, could I get some crayons?"

The waiter slowly backed away.

Ro sighed. "Bella dearest, do you have a pen I can borrow?"

"Grow up, Ro," Blaise rolled his eyes.

Voldemort intently studied the menu.

Crabbe and Goyle were busy reading the specials of the day upside-down.

Marissa sipped her water. "What's wrong with Draco?" she asked Rabstan in a low tone.

Rabastan remembered she wouldn't know. She had been in the bathroom with Bella when their procession had been attacked by hoards of Muggle girls, screaming "Tom! Tom! Oh, my God, it's Tom Felton!" at Draco.

Blaise snorted. He leaned in towards his friend. "Tom! Can I have your autograph?" he asked softly.

Draco shot up in his seat. "Get away!" he screamed, jumping out of his seat and running outside.

They all sent Lucius an apprehensive glance.

"Your kid's nuts," Snape spoke up.

Lucius glared at him. "We prefer the term 'sanely challenged'."

**A/N: Since you all seemed to like me little spiel with Draco to get you guys to review… here's another scene.**

**Snape: Don't you torture me enough as it is?**

**Avada Cruimperio: Rainbow.**

**Snape: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Avada: Pennsylvania.**

**Snape: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Avada: Pennsylvania on a rainbow. **

**Snape: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

**Avada: Read. -points at screen-**

**Snape: I hate you. **

**Avada: Read!**

**Snape: Reviewing is great, reviewing is cool. Reviewers rock and un-reviewers drool. Who in God's name wrote that?**

**Draco: Isn't it simply wonderful? It's probably the best poem I've ever written.**

**Avada: Read the other one.**

**Snape: Reviewers are good, reviews are fine. Reviews put Avada on Cloud Nine. That was, if possible, worse.**

**Lucius: Aren't I such a good poet?**

**-crickets chirp-**


	12. Severus Snape IS On A Rainbow

**A/N: Whoa! I drove up to Wisconsin this weekend, and I looked around at a stoplight, and get this: While I was listening to "Wannabe", by the Spice Girls, we had stopped at Potter Road, and at the corner was Bella and Luke's Hotdogs! WHOA! And, if you think about it, Luke's could be a combination of LUcius and DraCo. Weird!**

**OMG! 150 reviews! I love you guys so much. Reviews make me so happy!**

**MAJORLY IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE: **

**I'm posting a new story! Yay! Well, I probably am. I want to know what you guys think of it, cuz I don't want to put it up if no one'll read it. It's a Harry Potter parody of The Wizard Of Oz, starring Harry as Dorothy snigger, Ron as the Scarecrow, Hermione as the Tin (wo)Man, Neville as the Cowardly Lion, and of course your favorite evil wizard, Voldemort, as the Wicked Witch Of The West! Of course it's got my ever-present sarcastic humor in it, but it's going to be hilarious. What do you guys think? **

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Harry Potter.  

**You guys are really going to get a kick out of this chapter…**

Severus Snape _Is_ On A Rainbow

Voldemort stared in disgust at the television. "No."

"Yes." Bellatrix hissed.

"Come on, Voldemort, it won't kill you. It's good!" Lucius added.

"I love it so much!" Draco piped in.

"I don't wanna!" Voldemort whined.

"Don't make me torture you!"

"Fine."

The Death Eaters gathered around the hotel's TV, as Bellatrix pressed Play on the DVD remote.

Words began showing up, announcing actors and crew members, and finally…

"The Notebook." Draco read aloud.

Voldemort whimpered.

TWO HOURS LATER

"That sucked." Snape declared. "I am never watching another chick flick as long as I live!"

"Me, too." Voldemort hurriedly agreed.

"Oh, shut up, Voldy, I saw you crying a half hour ago." Ro sniggered.

"So… what now?"

"Moulin Rouge!" Draco waved the DVD in front of the television.

"I'm hungry."

Lucius picked up the phone. "Hello, Room Service? Yeah, can we get some food up to room 313? Yeah… I don't know what kind of food. Good food? Something with sugar."

"NO!"

"Okay, ix-nay on that."

"Let me order." Snape snatched the phone away from his distraught co-worker.

"No, he'll ask for blood. Let me." Rodolphus took it.

"No! He'll get us sugar, too!" Blaise grabbed the telephone.

Voldemort kicked Blaise and picked up the phone. "Never mind. We don't need food. Actually, we're going to check out."

"Sir, it's eleven o'clock at night, I'm afraid-"

"I don't care! We're leaving! And we're not paying!"

"Not this again." Bellatrix groaned. She grabbed everyone's hands and Apparated them all back to Vile Love Dorr.

POOF

Avada Cruimperio appeared before them. "You know, I'm getting really sick of coming in the story every chapter."

"Hm… then WHY DO YOU?" Snape screamed.

"Because you brainless morons can't do anything right! You were in the Death Eater-mobile for a reason! Apparating does not make my readers laugh."

"You want them to laugh? Have them look at your face." Snape mumbled under his breath.

Avada slowly turned to face him. "What was that?"

Snape felt weeks of pent-up anger bursting out. "You heard me, you sick, vile, disgusting worthless excuse for a human being! I have had it up to _here_! I've put up with your twisted little games, but that is it! I can't take it any more! I hope you get run over by a car!"

Her jaw dropped. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes!"

She shook her head. "You asked for it."

Snape blinked.

He was no longer in the kitchen. There was just… nothingness around him. He looked down. Oh, look. A multi-colored floor! Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indi-oh. Crap.

Snape was on a rainbow.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He groped for his wand. Where was it? Where was it?

"Looking for this?" a voice asked sweetly.

He turned.

An old, decrepit woman was twirling his wand.

"Yes, thank you ma'am." He reached for it.

She smiled. "I don't think so."

Snape watched in horror as his wand was thrown off the face of the ear-er, rainbow.

"Wh-ho-wh-e-Arrgh!" Snape was at a loss for words.

"Oh, Snuggle-Sever-pie, don't feel bad," the woman said. "I still love you, even if you don't have magic."

Realization hit Snape like a bag of bricks.

"You!"

She smiled. "I told you, next time you're on a rainbow, take me with. And you didn't! So I had your lovely friend Ms. Cruimperio get me up here." Her grin became wider. "And now, it's just you, and me. All alone. With no one around for twenty million miles. What shall we do on our first date?"

"First date?"

"I agree, dinner sounds excellent!" A snapping sound was heard in the distance, and Snape found himself seated at a table.

"What do you want to eat, dearest?" she asked.

Snape closed his eyes and wished for a quick, painless death.

"Alright then, we'll both have escargot. And let's have a little mood music." She began to sing along, off-key, to the tune that had filled the rainbow. "Some-WHERE ooover the rainbow, waaaay abooooooove."

A few tears dripped down Snape's face.

The old lady looked concerned. "Snapey-wapey, do you have something in your eye? Do you need a tissue?" She pulled a huge pink handkerchief with the logo "World's Best Grandma" on it.

"Yes!" he sobbed, blowing his nose.

"Now, now, dearest, is something the matter?"

Snape was about to answer, but the thought of Avada Cruimperio made him cry harder.

A sudden bright light startled him.

He looked up.

Crap.

The bright light had been a camera flash. Avada Cruimperio grinned at him. "Blackmail!" she sang.

"I hate my life."

"Now, now, darlingness, you should be happy. You have people who love you. Like me. I've been meaning to ask you…"

She got down on one knee and popped open a box.

"Severus, I love you more than life. Make me the happiest woman on Earth. Will you marry me?"

The only thing Snape could think of was that her proposal sounded like the guy's from The Notebook. Then it sunk in. And he did the only sensible thing one would do in that situation: He screamed like a girl. And he ran.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" He jumped up and, arms flailing, proceeded to jump off of the rainbow.

Bad idea.

"Crap."

He waited for about five minutes for the big _thunk_ that would mean that he had hit something and be dead… but it didn't come.

He opened his eyes.

He was sitting on the floor of Vile Love Dorr's kitchen.

"You back, man?" Rodolphus asked.

"Huh?"

"You passed out on the floor like ten minutes ago."

_It had all been a dream_, Snape thought in relief.

"Well, I'd better get going," Avada Cruimperio was saying. "See you all later. Oh, and by the way, Snape…"

She dropped something into his lap and vanished.

Snape unfolded it.

He stared in shock for a moment, and passed out once again.

Rodolphus picked it up. "Look, guys! I _told_ you he'd been on a rainbow!"

**Review (and mention what you thought of my new story idea)! Don't forget to check out my LiveJournal!**


	13. The Death Eaters Kidnap The Dursleys

**A/N: This chapter will lok very farmiliar to about forty of you. That's because I posted it before. I noticed a bunch of mistakes and wanted to correct them.**

**A/N: So, as a few of you noticed, I put up a new story, just like I said I would. Go read it!**

**I have decided to respond to a few reviews that I got here. Yay!**

**Kyer: It sounded like you totally hate MFBFTDE… why? JW. Also, I took your suggestions for Wizard OF Hogsmeade. Thanks!**

**AinoMinako: Ahhh! Totally forgot about Marissa. She was there in chapter like, 11 I think, though. I know I'm going to feel totally and utterly retarded for asking… but what does SI stand for?**

**I've had the idea for this chapter brewing for so long. Thanks to my BFF Becca for helping me learn how to rap.**

**Becca: Have it say, the cow mooed and farted at the same time.**

**Me: That's nasty.**

**Becca: Yeah, but then I could say "Mr. Cow! You farted!"**

**Yeah, my best friend's psycho. **

**Disclaimer: Sorry, guys, no funny disclaimer today. I don't own any of the following: Harry Potter, anything mentioned in anything that J.K. Rowling has ever written, the musical Hairspray, or the song "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I also have nothing against gay people, or therapy.  
**

The Death Eaters Kidnap The Dursleys

There was one place, one place, where Voldemort did all of his thinking, where he hatched his evil schemes, plotted to take over the world, pondered where to hide his next Horcrux, and decided what to put on his grocery list: the shower.

However, at this moment, Voldemort was not hatching or plotting or pondering or deciding. He was singing.

"I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaay!"

"You certainly are." Snape muttered from outside the bathroom door.

"And I pity, any girl who isn't me tooooday!" Voldemort continued.

Lucius sniggered. "And they say I'm the chick at heart."

"I feel charming! Oh, so charming! It's alarming how charming I feeel!"

"You can say that again."

"See that pretty girl in the mirror there? Who can that attractive girl be?"

Snape and Lucius were thoroughly disgusted and left.

Voldemort stopped singing, and began plotting, once again. It was so difficult to brainstorm with those two listening to his every thought…

A half-hour later, a very pruny Voldemort burst downstairs. "I've got it!"

"What is it now?" Blaise rolled his eyes.

"I have discovered how to take down Harry Potter!"

"Do tell." Snape said boredly, examining his fingernails.

"Well, Potter used to live with his cousin and aunt and uncle, right? So he must love them very much. According to Lucius, people in families usually like each other. So we kidnap them and hold them hostage unless Harry agrees that we can kill him!"

"Brilliant!" Wormtail squeaked, applauding.

"You know, Pettigrew, it's become rather annoying that you clap after every single time Voldemort announces a plan." Bellatrix remarked.

"Screw you," Peter replied, sticking out his tongue.

"Alright, so who's on the kidnap-relatives committee?" Voldemort asked.

As usual, no one volunteered.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "I'm getting really sick of having to pull names out of the hat!"

Again, no one volunteered.

"Oh, darn it. _Accio Hat_." The usual Picking Hat (the Sorting Hat's cousin) whizzed toward the Dark Lord.

"Alright, we need about three people, so it's… Draco, Bellatrix, and Wormtail."

"This should be interesting." Snape commented.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The chosen ones burst into the Dursley's kitchen.

"Surrender, fiends, or we shall torture you to insanity and make your brains ooze out of your ears!" Bellatrix shrieked.

Dudley wet himself.

Peter was more passive about it. "Um, hi, I'm Peter, and we were wondering if we could kidnap you for a few hours, if that's okay with you."

Draco filed his fingernails. "Oh my gosh, guys, just get it over with. I have a manicure at four, so I totally need to be out of here by then."

Uncle Vernon cleared his throat loudly. "Listen, I don't know who the bloody hell you lot are, but-"

Aunt Petunia had gone white. "Vernon, these are D-d-death Eaters."

"Damn straight, biyatch!" Draco announced.

Everyone stared. Draco miraculously transformed into a gangsta. He was clad in baggy pants with his boxers showing, a do-rag, and a enormous heavy gold necklace. He began to rap.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, my name is Draco, I gots a lotta crispy brown baco...n. I'm really really cool, way too cool for school, I'm a Death Eater, so y'all gotta get a bird feeder, you lil' Mudbloods gonna freak when you see me on the street, you bitches ain't my whore and…" He noticed everyone staring at him like he should be wearing a straightjacket. "Look! There's the door!" He bolted out of the house.

Dudley had wet himself again.

Bellatrix sighed. "This is getting ridiculous." She Stunned the Dursleys and Apparated them back to Vile Love Dorr.

Voldemort bound them into chairs and awoke them.

"Good morning, mortals. I am Lord Voldemort. Twahahahahahahaha!"

Uncle Vernon stared at Voldemort with recognition. "You-you're Lord Voldy-thing?"

"I _prefer_ He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I don't. You have the dementoids, don't cha?"

"Dontcha ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Dontchhhhha?" Draco sang.

"Draco, what have I said about those Muggle drugs?" Lucius warned him.

"Stop telling me what to do!"

"Don't! Don't treat me like a child of tw-ooo!" Peter sang.

"Stop doing that! Randomly bursting into song is my thing!" Draco whined.

"Actually, it's Avada's, but that's not the point. Draco, you've been acting really weird lately. What's wrong?" Lucius asked.

"Fine. I admit it. I'm gay!"

Lucius blinked. "What did you say?"

"Um… Black robes are so cliché!"

Everyone visibly relaxed.

"We should get pink." Draco continued.

Snape rolled his eyes. "There is no way in hell I'm getting pink robes!"

"I'll settle for lavender." Draco compromised.

"The day I wear robes that are any color of the rainbow-" Snape realized what he had said.

"Speaking of rainbows, how is it up there?" Rodolphus grinned manically.

Snape buried his head in his arms and cried.

Voldemort continued his interrogation.

"So, how many licks _does_ it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?" Voldemort asked.

Vernon pondered this. "One… two- OH MY GOD A COW!"

Snape had turned their son into a farm animal.

Petunia began to cry, but Vernon merely remarked, "He doesn't look that different, anyways."

"That's it, Vernon! We're getting a divorce!" Petunia sobbed.

"Petunia, let's have this discussion when we're _not about to be killed!_" her husband growled.

"Relax, we're not gonna kill you… okay, yes we are. We're only going to suck your livers out through a straw, it happens to everyone."Rodolphus reassured them.

Uncle Vernon muttered something that sounded like "mimblewimble."

Snape burst into the room. "I have the straw, My Lord!"

The cow mooed.

Uncle Vernon looked frightened. "You're not really going to suck out our livers, a-are you?"

"What? Livers? This is for the milkshakes." Snape blew a straw wrapper at Marissa, who kicked him in the shin.

"Alright," Voldemrot said, rubbing his hands together evilly. "Let's put this plan in action!"

Hestuck his head in the fire, andthrew in green Floo powder. "Harry Potter's house!" he called.

His head appeared in Harry's fireplace.

"Voldemort!" Harry said, looking up from the breakfast table. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FIREPLACE!"

"What have I said about going all Caps Lock, Harry?" Voldemort scolded.

"That it's rude and vulgar and reminiscent of my Angst!Harry teenage years." Harry mumbled, his head down.

"And?"

"And that there are support groups for people like me."

"Well? Have you been to Angst Anonymous yet?" Voldemort demanded.

Harry looked sheepish. "Not exactly."

"Hmm?"

"Voldemort! Come on! Do you really expect me to go? We both know that therapy is for squares!"

"Is not. And how many times do I have to tell you, it's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

"Don't make me go all Caps, Voldy!"

"Voldy? VOLDY? THAT IS IT, POTTER! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Ooh! Bitchfight!" Draco squealed from Voldemort's end of the fire.

Voldemort snapped back to reality. "Potter, although I never pass up a chance to kick your ass, I have more important news."

"Oh? Something more important that killing me? What in heavens name could that be?" Harry pondered.

Voldemort cleared his throat importantly. "Ahem. We have kidnapped your uncle, aunt and cousin."

"Did you hurt them?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Well, we turned Dudley into a cow. Listen, I really have to capture you, so can you just _please_ come to their aid? Dudley needs milking."

"Dude, Draco's the gay one, not me."

"How does everyone _know?_" Draco howled from Voldemort's end of the fireplace.

Lucius gave him a quizzical look.

"Er… Stop calling me gay! I'm not!" Draco amended.

Harry snorted. "Draco, you're as straight as a curly fry."

"Ooh!" Rodolphus piped up. "I like curly fries!"

**A/N: Review! Read my new story! Review it! Ilove you all!**


	14. The Death Eaters Go To The Carnival

**A/N: This is a really special chapter for me because of 3 things: A), this was put up on the 2 month anniversary of MFBFTDE, B) it will get me up to 18000 total hits for all my stories, and C) it will probably get me to 200 reviews! If I could do that, it would be amazing. **

**BTW: THANKS FOR GETTING ME TO 193 REVIEWS! I love you all!**

**Also: Some reviewer responses at the end. I had to answer some questions. **

**Thanks so much to Gemma for being my 350th reviewer ever! She also has reviewed every single chapter of this story. Gemma, you rock!**

**Disclaimer: Um, yeah. Harry Potter is not mine. Je ne possède pas le Harry Potter. Yo no poseo Harry Potter. Ich besitzeHarry Potternicht. How many languages do I have to say it in before you understand it?**

The Death Eaters Go To The Circus

Voldemort was sleeping soundly, having a wonderful dream about him and Mr. Fluffers co-ruling the world together, when-

"The carnival! The carnival! The carnival! The carnival!"

Voldemort sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What in Merlin's name-"

Lucius was bouncing up and down on his bed. "The carnival! The carnival! We're going to the carnival!"

"What bloody carnival?"

"The one downtown, silly. We're going to celebrate!"

"Celebrate what?"

"Christmas!"

"Lucius, it's the middle of July."

"Saint Patrick's Day!"

"We're not Irish."

"My birthday!"

"Oh, very well then. When are we going to this ruddy thing?"

"Now!"

Voldemort looked at the clock. "It's six AM!"

"Exactly! Come on, everyone's dressed and waiting for you."

Voldemort blearily traipsed downstairs, still in his hippo pajamas, to find Draco, his mother, Wormtail, Bella and Ro, Snape, Marissa, and Blaise standing around in the living room.

Lucius bounded down behind him. "Alright! Carnival time! Voldemort, let's pack up the Death Eater-mobile and hit the road!"

Silence.

"Oh, really," Lucius muttered, prodding Voldemort, who had fallen back asleep, with his wand.

"All right," Voldemort muttered, stumbling outside. "But I don't trust myself to drive."

"Ooh! I'll drive!" Lucius squealed as Voldemort staggered into the backseat.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Is the reason that I was woken up at six o'clock because the bloody carnival is five hours away?" Voldemort demanded angrily at 11.

"Yup!" Lucius said cheerfully.

"Well, then, why didn't we Apparate? Have you forgotten that we are wizards?"

Lucius' mouth formed a little "o" of comprehension. "Oops."

"I'm going to kill you, you know."

"Yeah. But we're here!" Lucius leapt out of the car, followed by eight exuberant Death Eaters and a tired and angry Dark Lord.

"Let's eat first!" someone suggested.

They ran inside the food tent, everyone heading to either the cotton candy stand or the McDonald's booth. Voldemort remembered his, er, incident with Mickey Dee's during their road trip, and ambled over to the tables to save one for the group.

Five minutes later, everyone was back, with food. Voldemort was very afraid, since Ro and Lucius were in the group that had gotten cotton candy.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Let's go on rides!" Lucius was already pulling on Narcissa's arm.

"Okay, Lucy, pet." Narcissa immediately agreed. "Let's go through the Tunnel Of Love!"

"Psh, yeah right! I'm going on the Gravitron!"

Draco turned pale.

"What's the Gravitron?" Voldemort asked.

Draco muttered something around being spun around and strapped to a wall as a floor gave out.

"Sounds like fun! Bella, you want to go on it?" Rodolphus asked.

"Er… maybe later…"

"Are you _scared_?" her husband scorned.

"Me? Scared? No way! I'll race you there!"

Draco turned to his friends. "Let's go on the merry-go-round!"

Marissa and Blaise stared.

"No?"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Peter screamed. "I'm going to die! Help! Help! Save me!"

"Wormtail. It's the _Ferris Wheel_. Chill." Snape rolled his eyes.

"But we're at the top! There's a hundred miles between the ground and us!"

"Try a hundred feet."

Peter whimpered.

All of a sudden, a loud noise was heard, and the wheel creaked to a stop.

"OH MY GOD!"

Snape laughed.

"We're going to die! We're stuck! We'll never get down! I'll never get to go to this year's _Rat Animagi _Convention! Oh, Merlin!"

"Wormtail! Calm down! It'll be fixed in a minute."

"We're sorry for the delay, but apparently a ten foot chunk of used chewing gum has worked in to the gear. It'll be a while, folks," an engineer called up from the ground.

Snape noticed Rodolphus and Lucius laughing hysterically down below, both holding packets of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum.

"HELP! MOMMY! I'M GOING TO DIE!" Wormtail shrieked.

"Get yourself together!" Snape yelled, slapping Peter across the face.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Draco was not having fun. After he had suggested the merry-go-round, Marissa and Blaise had dragged him off to the bumper cars, where they had decided it would be fun to team up and destroy his car. Unfortunately, they were winning.

"Stop! I surrender! Truce! White flag! Ouch!" Draco screamed as they rammed into his car at the same time.

They exchanged evil grins. "Fine."

Draco sighed with relief.

He began to inspect his nails when- WHAM!

"I thought you were going to stop!" Draco shouted.

Apparently not.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Voldemort peered suspiciously at a floating rubber duck. "Did you kill it yourself, or did you order it dead?" he asked a lady in the booth.

"Er… it's a toy, sir."

"Oh."

"Would you like to play? Two dollars for one duck or five for three."

"How does one play this…duck game?"

"You pick up a duck, and according to the size on it's bottom, you get that prize. Two smalls get you a medium, three mediums get you a large, and so on."

He handed her two dollars.

He picked up a duck. Small.

The lady's head was turned away. He put it back in the little moat and picked up another one. Small.

Small.

Small.

Small.

"Damn it, they're ALL smalls!" he shrieked. "This is a rip-off!"

He stormed away.

"Sir! Your prize?" the lady called after him.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Narcissa batted her eyelashes. "Why, _hello_ there, sir."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes.

The pimple-faced ride operated turned red. "I- er- uh, -eh, um-"

Narcissa smiled at the flustered young man. "What's your name?"

"I-um-eh-er-um Joe. I think."

"Joe," Narcissa breathed. "So… sexy. Joe, my sister and I only have three tickets each. You think you could let us-" she ran her finger down his cheek. "-slide?"

Joe nodded, and the sisters entered the fun house.

"That was absolutely _disgusting_." Bella said fervently.

"It worked, didn't it?" Narcissa laughed.

"We could have just bought two more tickets. But _nooooo_, my sister the slut has to seduce teenagers!"

"Slut?" Narcissa asked, observing herself in a distorted mirror. "I beg to differ. I was simply… using my given powers to get what I wanted."

"Cissy, your given powers are _magic_, in case you've forgotten. We could have simply killed the guy." Bellatrix hopped onto a moving staircase.

"Well, you have to admit, it was amusing."

The sisters stepped out of the fun house. "Bye-bye, Joe!" Narcissa called, waving.

Joe drooled.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

At the end of the day, the Death Eaters (minus Snape and Wormtail, who had Apparated home after Wormtail wet himself when the operator announced that they were having "major technical difficulties" and it would be a few more hours up there on top of the Ferris Wheel) piled into the car.

"Well," Voldemort said, yawning. "That was…interesting."

A battered and bruised Draco muttered something about possessed bumper cars, while Marissa and Blaise tried desperately to contain their laughter.

"'Interesting' is one word for it," Bellatrix said. "Lucius, do you know that your wife is a s-"

"miley person!" Narcissa finished. "I'm a smiley person."

"Yeah, a smiley wh-"

"oo, Nelly, would you look at that car!" Narcissa exclaimed as they whizzed by a hot pink Jeep.

"Narcissa was flirting with-"

"Danger! We went on the Ring Of Fire. It goes upside down, did you know that?"

Bella threw her hands up. "I give up!"

Narcissa smiled.

Then, an awkward silence filled the car, until-

"Lucius, why the hell aren't we Apparating?" Voldemort asked.

"Because we can't Apparate the car, Voldemort."

"Oh, yeah? Watch this!"

BOOM! The car exploded.

"Voldemort, now we have to WALK!" Lucius screamed.

"Or hitchhike," Voldemort said, sticking up his thumb.

A silver SUV with diamond rims pulled up next to them, and they all hopped in.

Voldemort looked to see who was their driver, and groaned.

"So…" Harry Potter said awkwardly, "where am I driving you all to?"

"Er… our secret hideout."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Voldemort glanced over at the radio, when he noticed something on Harry's hand.

"Potter! You're wearing a friendship bracelet!"

"Yeah, so? All the Order members have them."

"But it was _our_ idea first! You stole it!"

"Dude, chill." Harry turned on the radio to some heavy rap station.

Voldemort slumped down in his seat, arms crossed.

"Yo, fo' shizzle' my nizzle, we gangstas in da hood, yo, we gets shot at, yo!" the radio blared.

It was going to be a long five hours back.

**A/N: Reviewer responses**

**PadfootRoxMySox007: Other HP fanfic sites? I don't believe I have. Why? Do you know some other good ones?**

**Tuxedocat: Um, I think I prefer the psycho hippos to the gun… :hides in Africa:**

**AinoMinako: Good idea! As you can see, I used it. So _that's_ what SI means! Actually, Marissa _was_ originally me, but then I was like, no. Avada Cruimperio is me. Marissa is still based on me, and I'm desperately afraid that she's becoming a Mary Sue, which is why she hasn't been in there as much. She wasn't randomly there, she's a Death Eater, so she was there, and I was like, fine, I'll put Marissa in for a little bit, so Snape can blow the wrapper at her. Yeah. If you think that I should have more of her, just let me know.**

**Paroxysmal Lupine: Alex! Ee! How did you find my story? Thanks so much for reviewing! I was so happy when I saw your review; I was like "Mom! Alex reviewed my story!" and she was like "That's nice, dear." LOL**


	15. The Death Eaters Get Arrested

**A/N: OMG! 200 reviews! I love you all sooooooooooo much. Incidentally, these last chapters have been getting very few reviews. Come on, guys! Takes you like, 15 seconds to review. Take that 1/4 of a minute to tell me to keep up the good work, or something. I don't care if you just discovered this and don't want to go back and review each chapter: you don't have to. Just start with this one!**

**Selected reviewer responses:**

ms. understood: Yeah, I live in a suburb of Chicago. Not saying which one, though, in case of freaky stalker people, lol.

Crush.Summer.Pink: Why doesn't Harry kill Voldemort/Voldy kill Harry? Simple. If Harry killed Voldy, my main character would be dead. If Voldy killed Harry, in addition to getting angry reviews from random people who love Harry, I wouldn't be able to make any more Caps Lock jokes. And we all love our Caps Lock jokes.

PadfootRoxMySox007: Grr. I am assuming you put a website in the review, but it is gone. Put it in your next review with spaces between each word, cuz I'd love to read your stories.

FanFictionFantom: I'm so glad that you liked that part! My friend helps me think of ideas a lot, and I was on the phone with her, re-reading my reviews (cuz I'm a vain loser) and she goes "If it weren't for me, you'd have like, no reviews," and I read your review out loud and went "Yeah? Well, I wrote that part all by myself!" Also, I'm going to start begging you to write chapter 1 of your Book 3 parody here:. Write it! I command you!

AinoMinako: NOOOOOO! MARY SUE:sobs: Any suggestions on how to parody a Mary Sue?

Red Bess Rackham: I was so happy you liked that part! As I told FanFictionFantom, my friend was bragging about how she comes up with the only stuff people like in my story, and I read her your review and was like, "Yeah? Did you write that one? Didn't think so!"

XPussyWillowKittensx: Glad you liked my story! Draco is such a cool happy person, though. He's a lot better than Slash!Draco or Suicide!Draco or :shudder: Cliché Romantic!Draco. Those all frighten me so…

**Also, just thought I'd mention that this is the first chapter since they went on a road trip that is over 2000 words long.**

**BIG IMPORTANT MILSTONE FOR THIS STORY: Not only do we have 212 reviews, BUT: Making Friendship Bracelets For The Death Eaters is _officially_ the #2 most reviewed Death Eater comedy in _all_ of topped only by Once Upon A Freakin' Time by Evadne (which is an amazing story). How cool is that! I'm so happy!**

**The formatting for part of this is different than usual. The underlined stuff is the questions the police ask, the xox means that a new person is answering.**

**ALSO IMPORTANT NOTE: A super good friend of mine, Alex, also known as Paroxysmal Lupine, is starting a new Harry Potter story. It's very funny, and I not only beta'd it, I'm a character in it! Basically, the Death Eaters kidnap her, and she wreaks havoc on them as I go nuts looking for her. And… I am coffee-less. Egads! This chapter also features a cameo from Alex.**

**Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor McDonald's. **

The Death Eaters Get Arrested By The Muggle Police 

"You know," Snape noted. "It's been a while since Avada showed up."

Voldemort shushed him. "Shh! You'll jinx it!"

"Actually," Draco piped in, "she's still in Harry-Potter-Land. She's sulking with Hermione."

"What're they doing that for?" Bellatrix asked.

Blaise sniggered. "They've both been dumped by boyfriends who turned out to be gay."

Draco turned bright red, but was saved from further embarrassment thanks to the phone ringing.

"Hello, Death Eater Headquarters, Draco speaking, can I help you?"

"You bloody well can!" a voice shouted so loud Draco jumped and held the phone six feet away from his ear.

"Avada has been missing for the last _four days_ and I know you've got her. Whenever she disappears, she's torturing you guys. But I need her! She's in my story, too, you know, and she can't be _there_ and _here_ at the same time! And, her parents are starting to ask questions. They think I've trapped her in bloody Death-Eater-Land, and-"

Draco cut Avada's insane friend off.

"We don't have her."

Silence.

"Hello?"

"Do you know where she is?"

"She's, uh, with Hermione."

"Granger! That bloody witch! I'll kill her!" The line went dead.

Draco stared in shock at the phone, which was now spurting messages such as "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."

"Who was that?" Voldemort asked.

"Er…telemarketer."

Lucius bounded into the living room. "Oh my goodness, guess what?"

"I couldn't imagine," Snape said dryly.

"We're going to McDonalds!"

"Ew, sautéed lard." Bellatrix shuddered in disgust.

"No! _Fried_ lard." Lucius corrected.

"How would you know?" Bellatrix stuck her nose in the air.

"'Cause I work there."

"No. Way."

"You know what that means!" Lucius grinned.

"MCDONALDS PARTY!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Voldemort led the Death Eaters into the fast food restaurant and up to the register where Lucius was working.  
"Welcome to McDonal-oh. It's you."

"Hey Lucius!" Voldemort whispered loudly. "Think you can score us some free grub?"

Lucius looked appalled. "Could you have said that any louder?"

"HEY LUCIUS-"

"Shut up! You want to get me fired?"

"Welllll? Can you?"

"Fine," Lucius grumbled. "Just wait til the fry alarm goes off."

_Beep. Beep. _

Lucius eyed his co-workers, who were busy taking a bath in the fry grease, and hastily grabbed up a bunch of fries and a handful of hamburgers.

"There! Take your food and leave."

"Geez, chill out. We're just taking some burgers. It's not like it's a criminal offense or anything."

_Clang_. The door opened, and in strode two Muggle police officers.

"Tom Riddle and Company?"

"That's us!"

"I have a warrant for your arrest. Apparently you've stolen some meat from this restaurant. That's a criminal offense. Get over here."

The men slapped handcuffs on each of the confused Death Eaters. "You have the right to remain silent-"

"Well, what if I want to talk?" Rodolphus asked.

The policeman rolled his eyes. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-"

"Well, what about this- SCREW YOU, BITCHES!"

"You have the right to consult a lawyer-"

"Well, I don't want a lawyer!"

"RODOLPHUS! SHUT UP!" the Death Eaters screamed in unison.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The policeman sat them all down for questioning, individually asking them all the same questions…

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

What was your purpose at this McDonald's restaurant?

"What was _your_ purpose at this McDonald's restaurant?" Rodolphus shot back.

**xox**

"If you must know, I had to use the little girl's room. It was urgent." Wormtail sniffed.

**xox**

"My father will be hearing about this!" Draco shouted.

"Your father already knows about this, dummy."

"Yeah, well… your suit is ugly!"

The policeman looked up, eyes beginning to tear. "That… hurt."

**xox**

"I am the evil Lord Voldemort! Twahahahahahahaha!"

"Sir, please answer the question."

"Fine. You want to know why we were there? Why we were REALLY there?"

"Yes. The truth, please."

"The truth! You can't handle the truth!"

**xox**

"It's very obvious." Snape said slowly, as though explaining something to a small child. "We're in an organization dedicated to the stealing of fast food, and using the stolen hamburgers to blow up the world. You'll eat a burger and -poof!- there goes your intestines. Evil people, we are. Evil people."

Why did you attempt to steal the food?

"Why did _you_ attempt to steal the food?"

**xox**

"I was really hungry, you know, and, um, I wanted a Big Mac, and- DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME!" Wormtail cowered under the desk

**xox**

"You know, I really don't think my father appreciates you interrogating me like this. We're rich, you know. Do either of you have a nail file I can use?" Draco tapped his foot. "Hello? Answer me? You, with the ugly suit! I asked you if you have a nail file!"

**xox**

"I AM EVIL! EVIL! DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yes sir, we understand, but that still doesn't explain why you stole the food."

"Because I am evil! Evil people do evil things! Bwahahahahahaha!"

The policeman jotted down a note on his pad of paper:_ Subject 4, pale with freaky red eyes, assign to rubber room, accompanied by straightjacket_.

**xox**

"I've already told you! We need the burgers to create implosive devices that, when activated, blow up the organs of the person who ate it! God!"

Is there anything you have to say in your defense?

"Is there anything _you_ have to say-"

"GOD DAMMIT IT, WILL YOU SHUT UP?" the policeman with the mustache howled.

"God dammit, will _you_ shut up?"

"ARRRRGHHHH!"

**xox**

"Yes, um, I'm really sorry, and uh, I'll never do it again. It was a mistake! I swear! Please don't hurt me!"

**xox**

"Listen, my lawyer doesn't want me to say anything, but if you let us go free, you _might_ just find that a thousand pounds has been donated to the Police Academy."

"That won't work, sir."

"You're right. I'm terribly sorry. I guess you don't want _this_." Draco casually exposed a check written out for five hundred pounds.

The policemen exchanged glances.

"IT'S MINE!"

"NO! I SAW IT FIRST!"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen… I can always write another…"

**xox**

"Yes. I have to say that- HOLY CRAP! A CROCODILE!" Voldemort screamed.

The men turned around. "Where?"

Nothing was there.

"Hey-wait. Where'd he go?"

The halls rang with echoes of maniacal laughter.

**xox**

"Yes. As soon as you let me go, I'm going to buy more hamburgers, hijack an airplane, and drop them all over New York City. "It's raining hamburgers!" they'll say. But when they eat them… they'll all die! Die!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Ten o'clock that night found four Death Eaters sharing a jail cell: Peter, who had wet his pants, Rodolphus, who was wearing a gag and sneering at the guard, Snape, who was officially on _Britain's Top Ten Most Wanted Food Criminals_ list, and Voldemort, who was wearing a straightjacket.

They heard a very familiar voice coming from the main desk.

"Right. And you're positive they all can't leave until I post bail?" Draco asked the receptionist.

"Yes, sir. Until you post four thousand pounds, they'll stay there, awaiting trial."

Draco smirked. "Four thousand pounds? I don't believe I have that much. I guess they'll just have to stay there."

"BASTARD!" Voldemort screamed. "I SAW LUCIUS GIVE YOU MY CHECKBOOK THIS MORNING, YOU ARROGANT BRAT!"

Draco walked over to their cell, clucking his tongue. "Dear me, Voldemort, we shouldn't use that kind of language." He saw Voldemort reach for his wand, then slump when he realized the police had confiscated it. "Oh, they haven't given you your wand back? _Really_? I got mine back ages ago!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU-"

"_Silencio._."

Voldemort soundlessly raged at the smirking teenager.

"Oh, dear me, it's midnight. I must be going. Hope you guys like bread and water- it's all you'll be getting for the next week!" Draco waved and Disapperated.

Voldemort pulled out a small tape recorder. "Note to self- When out of prison, work on wandless magic. Use to kill Draco."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Drakey, darling!" Narcissa cooed as her son appeared back at Malfoy Manor. "Mummy missed you! Darling, by any chance, do you know where Uncle Rodolphus is? Auntie Bella has bee going crazy with worry, dearest."

Draco smirked. "Haven't a clue."

A/N: Well? Did you like it? To convince you all to review, I have written another of my famous review scenes!

**Draco: See, you're not going to get me to say that. It's self-incriminating.**

**Avada Cruimperio: I wouldn't exactly call it self-incriminating… but you're going to read it. Or else.**

**Draco: Or else what?**

**Dobby: Master Draco! Dobby has realized he is gay, and is in love with Master Draco! Mistress Avada has confirmed that the love is mutual. Master Draco, will you go out with Dobby?**

**Draco: All bloody right! I'll read it.**

**:Avada poofs Dobby away:**

**Draco: Ahem. When you review, it makes Avada happy. When she is happy, she writes more, also known as TORTURING US, THE EVIL BITCH!**

**Avada: Oh, Dobby! **

**Draco: I mean, I love it when she writes about us!**

**Avada: That's better.**

**Draco: So review, and you get faster and better updates! Makes everyone happy! **

**Avada: Amen to that.**

**Draco: Except me.**

**Avada: Dob-**

**Draco: Including me. I am happy when you review.**

**Avada: That's what I thought you said.**


	16. Nana Gaunt Visits The Death Eaters

**A/N: Holy crap! 230 reviews! That's more than all my other stories put together. This really is my pride and joy, I love it so much…  
Also, you all should feel super-special (dear Merlin, I'm turning into Draco) because for the second chapter in a row, this chaper is over 2000 words long! Yay!**

**One thing about this story that I'm not sure if I like or hate is the hits I get. In my first story, I had a lot (almost half) less reviews, but three times more hits. Here, I've got double the reviews but a lot less hits. Like, in that other story, 1 in 107 people reviewed. Which sucks. But here, 1 in 17 people review. Moral of this is: Tell your friends to read this and review!**

**SUPER-IMPORTANT: I have a poll on my LiveJournal that I want EVERYONE to take. I need to know some things about your opinions on this story, reviewing, and my review skits. Please take it! Just go to my livejournal (the adress is on my profile), read it, click submit comment, and type in your answers. Oh, and click OKor whatever when you're done. Please do this, it mean a lot to me. Thanks!**

**I'm putting my selected reviewer responses up here, to make room for a REVIEW SKIT! at the end. **

**Selected reader responses: **

**Gemma: **Whoa… that's weird. Keep out of my brain! LOL

**Hogwartsgirl52: **That's so weird! Plus, Alan Rickman is ug-lee!

**FanFictionFantom: **Summer? We have to wait till summer:sheds tears: By the way, don't know if I mentioned this before, but if you ever end up doing Half-Blood Price, make Felix Felicis (the lucky potion) Felix Navidad, and whenever someone takes it they run around, partying, in a sombrero. :-D Just a suggestion.

**I am a Banana**: Yay! Another marshmallow :eats marshmallow:

**xPussyWillowKittenx**: You don't want to know what happened when Voldy got free…

**PadfootRoxMySox007: **Grrr. I tried to go there, and since my computer is like a Windows Stone Age, nothing worked. It's the official HP site, right?

**Ophelia: **You mean you've never stolen a Big Mac? Shame on you! Everyone gets arrested sooner or later for stealing fast food.

**LoonyLuna48: **There's a little bit of Marissa here, we'll see more of her next chapter.

**ciararocks: **Thanks for asking :) Yeah, a guy really did dump me because he's gay, but it's all right. We're still friends and now we can go shopping together!

Thorn Yokoshima: I'm glad you like it so much! Thanks!

**Red Bess Rackham: **LOL. I can't believe you read them in a _library_. That's so funny! By the way, I hope you're happy about the un-Draco/Hermione-ness.

**Jedi Knight Padme: **Turn Draco straight? But then how could he go shopping with me?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and Co, or Claire's (although I'm friends with this girl whose grandmother founded it.) I do, however, own anything you don't recognize from J.K. Rowling's works. Mwahahahaha! **

**This chapter is dedicated to Tara and David: Happy birthday, guys!**

Nana Gaunt Pays A Visit To The Death Eaters

Voldemort drummed his fingers on the kitchen countertop. "And just _when_ were you planning on telling me this, Wormtail?"

Peter trembled. "I-I-I had forgotten, My Lord."

Rodolphus snickered. "Back to "My Lord", are we, Peter?"

Voldemort glared at Peter. "Forgotten? FORGOTTEN? It's not every day that there's a sale at Macy's!"

"I am so sorry, My Lord- I mean, Your Highness-um, Ruler of All!" Peter whimpered. "I know how much you wanted those black leather shoes, it was so careless of me to not inform you of the reduced price!"

Voldemort's lower lip quivered. "Damn it, Wormtail! Those shoes made me look sexy! And I want them now!"

"My Lord, I-"

_I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it-_

Voldemort blushed. "I have got to change my ringtone," he muttered. "Hello?"

The Death Eaters watched with interest as Voldemort's face fell, and he began to bang his head on the counter.

"Who do you think it is?" Peter wondered.

"Probably his girlfriend," Blaise laughed.

"Aww, that's so cute! Voldemort has a girlfriend? I always knew he'd find a woman!" Draco squealed.

"Yes. YES. YES, I SAID! YES!" Voldemort screamed. "YES, YOU CAN COME! THIS IS AS LOUD AS I CAN TALK! GET A HEARING AIDE! GOODBYE!" Voldemort slammed down the phone.

"What was that?" Marissa asked.

Voldemort slunk to the floor, his head in his hands. "Nana's coming to visit."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

Six hours and three attempted suicides later, Voldemort stood on the front step, arms crossed, waiting for his grandmother to arrive.

"Wasn't it your life goal to kill all of your family members?" Rodolphus inquired.

"Only on my father's side."

"I see."

Peter began to whistle _I'm A Little Teapot_.

"Ooh, look!" Marissa cried. "There she is!"

At the end of the road, a banged-up white sedan was creeping down the street.

Voldemort waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And finally, eleven minutes later, his grandma had driven down the street.

"Go open the door for her." Bellatrix hissed.

"Do I hafta?" Voldemort whined.

"Yes. Go!"

Voldemort slouched down the driveway and whisked the door open for the elderly woman. No one was surprised by her appearance. She was wrinkly and hunched over, holding on to a walker for dear life. A burgandy wool sweater and an earth green skirt added to her look, and her earlobes were long, streached by decades of dangly earrings. Everyone recolied as they got a whiff of her scent- gasoline mixed with baby powder.

"Nana! How nice to see you!"

"What?"

"NANA! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU!"

"What?"

"TURN YOUR HEARING AIDE ON, YOU OLD FREAK!"

"Tommy, dear, speak up! You must kick that nasty mumbling habit of yours, you know. If you're _ever_ going to be Minister of Magic, you must learn to enunciate."

Voldemort gritted his teeth. "Yes, Nana. May I carry your bags?"

Nana turned to open the trunk. Voldemort's hands instinctively began to wrap around her neck-

"Voldemort! Stop strangling your grandmother!" Bellatrix ordered.

"Sorry."

Nana pulled nineteen teal, flowered suitcases out of the front seat, flinging them at her grandson, who soon collapsed under the weight.

"Oh my goodness! Who knows the number for 911?" Draco screamed.

Rodolphus rolled his eyes. "Just do CPR."

Everyone shifted uncomfortably, staring at their feet.

"I'll do it!" the old woman announced, a cape flowing from her back. "Cause I'm… Super Nana!" She bent down to give her grandson mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, when-

Voldemort's eyes shot open. "HOLY CRAP!"

Nana straightened up, looking embarrassed. "I'll just be putting my things in the house," she muttered, hobbling towards the door.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

Twenty minutes later, everyone was sitting in an awkward silence in the living room.

Draco broke the ice. "So, Nana… how are you?"

"I'm so glad you asked!" the old woman croaked.

"I'm not," Snape muttered.

"Well, I've got arthritis, random back spasms, my eye twitches every now and then, my legs are going out so I need to use this walker, I nearly broke my hip last week doing laundry, I'm losing hearing in my left ear, and to top it all off, that sexy doorman across the street won't even wave to me!"

"That's… really nice." Voldemort lied.

Nana patted his knee. "So, Tommy, when am I gonna get some great grandchildren?"

"Didn't you know?" Rodolphus asked. "Voldemort's pregnant!"

"Good God, they can do _anything_ with magic these days!" Nana remarked. "So when's the bundle of joy due?"

Voldemort sighed. "He was joking, Nana."

Nana looked across to Marissa, who had been unusually silent this entire time. "Darling, that's a beautiful bracelet you've got on. Did you get it at Walgreens?"

"I made it myself," Marissa said uncomfortably, staring at her wrist, where her Death Eater friendship bracelet was.

"Well, that's nice too, Judy. Are you the one giving my son those babies? Because at 165, I'm not getting any younger."

"Thank God," Rodolphus muttered.

"Now, Tommy, how 'bout cha make me shum tea?" Nana asked.

"Mrs. Gaunt, what's wrong with your voice?" Draco asked worriedly.

Nana sighed. "Bring me a glash of water, Tommy."

Voldemort dutifully fetched her a cup.

Nana reached inside her mouth and pulled out her teeth, dropping them in the glass. "Thass be'er," she said, satisfied, as she swirled around her dentures with a straw. "Five… six…seven…and eight." She picked her teeth up and inserted them in her mouth.

"I'm thirsty," Draco announced to no one in particular.

Nana held out the denture water. "Want some?"

"I'm… just gonna go grab a coke."

Nana glanced at her watch. "Good heavens! It's five-thirty! Time for my soap." She flicked on the TV to _The Old and the Decrepit_.

Draco ran back into the room. "Oh my goodness! I love this show!"

"It's not too late to put him up for adoption, you know." Bellatrix informed Lucius.

"No!" Lucius said, horrified. "We can't do that! It's AppleNamedBob's favorite character! How could we live without Draco's gayness?"

A redhead poofed into the room. "I don't know!" She disappeared.

"… the hell was that?"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

"Draco, we're out of tea. Go buy some for Nana." Lucius ordered.

"Why should I? She's not _my_ Nana! Make Voldemort do it."

"I don't wanna!" Voldemort whined.

"Do it!"

"Fine." Voldemort grabbed his keys and headed out to the Death Eater-mobile. As he backed out of the driveway, he heard a sickening crunch and hurried to see what he had run over.

"Damn it, Nana!" he yelled. "Stop leaving your damn walker behind my car!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

That night, Draco walked into the guest room to say goodnight to Nana, and walked in on her-

"Holy crap! You're bald!"

Nana hastily grabbed a purple wig. "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Draco's lower lip quivered. "You lied to me! You said your hair was real! You… betrayed me."

Nana hung her head. "Draco, I am so sorry. How can you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know."

She opened her arms. "Here. Let's hug."

Draco ran out of the room. "CHILD MOLESTOR!"

Voldemort stuck his head outside the door, his hair wrapped in curlers. "Draco, it's bloody eleven o'clock at night. What the hell is going on?"

"Nana tried to rape me!" Draco sobbed.

"Ahem. Snape? I believe this is your line of expertise? Maybe you can take him on a rainbow and show him how it feels."

Snape turned purple with rage. "If you say the word rainbow one more time, I'm going to rip off your head and shove it in Nana's ear."

"Rainbow."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

The next morning, Nana woke up with an odd feeling in her head. "Oh, my. My hearing aid seems to have enlarged overnight!"

**A/N: I don't know whether I had to disclaimer this, but _The Old And The Decrepit_ was a takeoff of _The Young And The Restless_.**

**Time for another infamous REVIEW SKIT! **

**Avada Cruimperio: Hello, minions- I mean, reviewers. Bwahahahahaha! **

**Policeman: Er, miss, you're going to have to come with us. **

**Avada: What? No! I haven't gotten to finish my evil laugh yet! **

**Policeman: Listen, kid- **

**Avada: Kid? KID! I will have you know I haven't been a kid since I was ten! I don't even look ten anymore! See, I grew! I un-midgeted myself! **

**Policeman :into walkie-talkie: Gary, this one's a forty-two niner. I'm gonna need a double fourteen with a spin. **

**Avada: Stop talking in freaky police language! What does that even mean? **

**Gary: Stop talking in freaky fake police language, Bob. You know you just do it to sound like those guys on _Cops_. What the hell is a double fourteen with a spin? **

**Policeman: Fine. Gary, this one's a delusional freak who's been talking to books again. Something like "It's okay to be gay, Draco," or something like that. I'll need a double fou- I mean, a straightjacket here, pronto. **

**Avada: You'll never take me alive, coppers!**

**:jumps out window: **

**Policeman: Three…two…one. **

**:thump: **

**Avada: DAMN IT, THAT HURTS!**


	17. The Death Eaters Have A Slumber Party

**A/N: Wow! 250 reviews! I have to tell you, I had a secret goal: that by the time I got to 17 chapters (which was my final chapter in _The Difference_) I would have double the final reviews for _The Difference_. It ended up at 120 reviews in 17 chapters, and now we're at 253 at 17, which is over double! So I'm so happy! I love you all so much! **

**SUPER-IMPORTANT: Okay, it's tough for me to admit this but... I need a beta. Sort of. I've noticed people saying I make some typos, which is bad, and most importantly, I need to know a 3rd party's opinion on the chapters. What I think is funny may not be what you think is funny. This chapter gave me a lot of grief and I'm not feeling too confident about it,and I'm worried you guys will be like, "Dude, this sucks." So if you are A: interested in this "position", B: have good grammar and spelling skills, and C: don't laugh at like, everying. I need someone who will only like the funny stuff so I can weed out the good parts from the bad parts. If that's you, then include your email address (don't forget to put in the spaces!) in your review, and I'll let you guys know next chapter who I've picked. Thanks!**

**I don't know how clear I made this, but your answers to the poll WILL have effect on this story. Most people said Marissa was OK now, but if she went Mary Sue, I'd have to get rid of her. So for you people out there (if any) who like Marissa a lot, go to my LiveJournal and post! Go!**

**OMG! For the first time ever, I got over 20 reviews for one chapter! In fact, I got 25! You guys must have really liked it.Thank you all so much! **

**Okay, I WAS going to do EVERYONE'S review responses in here, but I don't want to die. So there's a selected few in here, and the rest can be found on my LiveJournal. **

**hogwartsgirl52: Grr. Stupid fanfiction cut off the link. I find the Snape video via Google, but I couldn't find the Voldie thing. Could you re-type it, putting spaces in between the words next time you review?**

**ciararocks: Voldy didn't kill Nana for the same reason Harry didn't kill him: So I have humor to work with. LOL, originally, Nana was going to be his mother… except she's dead. Book 6 never said anything about Nana, just his uncle and Merope and his grandfather. By the way, I can't whistle either :)**

**Gemma: First off, thanks for being the first person to take the poll! I really valued your advice. I was surprised to see that you didn't like gay ****Draco. His OOCness is really on purpose, and I really like writing chapters with him in it. But that's ok, lol.**

**Elfbrat18: I loved your idea! But, it kind of makes Marissa edge closer and closer to the cliff that is Mary Sue-ness… so maybe you could tweak it a little bit so it's not Marissa's family, but someone else? **

**Paroxysmal Lupine: Alex! I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, David's the gay one… we think… don't tell anyone if he's not…. Send my your next chapter and I'll help, mon amiga. See? I can speak Spanish!**

**PadfootRoxMySox007: I apologize for speaking ofyour "minion"ness. Also, I have the world's oldest computer (Windows 2000) and whenever I get to the HP homepage, all I see is a blank white screen. If you could type in (with the spaces) the direct link to the HP fanfic site, that'd be great.**

**The Cotton Candy Kisses: Oh, I didn't mean it that way. Ew. Anyone who would ship Snape/Draco is psycho. And I am SO sorry if someone who is reading this is a S/D shipper.**

**Dracoluva411: I think the idea of Draco and Voldy would make The Cotton Candy Kisses WAY more than a little ill.**

**Starry's Thestral: I'm so happy you think my story's better than homework. I think so too. Since I'm supposed to be typing a science paper right now...**

**Forever Shia: I'm glad you don't think she's a Mary Sue. I was getting worried. Also, thanks for taking my poll!**

**Jedi Knight Padme: Whoa... I totally got your name confused with Jedi Knight Bus's. That's so cool! Great idea, Voldemort shall get match-maked... match-maked? Is that a word?**

**WARNING: This chapter has some sexual themed jokes. If you're not comfortable with jokes relating to Snape misspeaking and sounding like he's gay, or Peter finding a condom and not understanding what it is, then don't read this chapter. **

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine.**

The Death Eaters Have A Slumber Party

Voldemort browsed through the pantry, munching on a chocolate bar. "Popcorn… popcorn…" he muttered under his breath.

"What do we need popcorn for?" Snape asked.

"The party tonight. Ooh, we'll need some Pepsi too-Diet for Peter, that man refuses to go to Weight Watchers…"

"What party?" Snape asked, reaching up to the top shelf and grabbing the box of popcorn.

"The slumber party, of course!"

Snape stared at the Dark Lord, dumbfounded. "The slumber… party?"

"Yes. I sent Wormtail out to the DVD store to pick out some movies. It's at eight o'clock in the living room. Bring your P.J.'s and a sleeping bag!"

Snape stumbled off and met Lucius on the stairs. "Lucius, did you hear anything about a sleepover tonight?"

"Oh, yes!" Lucius exclaimed. "I've been looking forward to it for weeks! Which do you think I should wear, my teddy bear pajamas or my Marvin Miggs, The Mad Muggle jammies?"

"Neither!" Snape screamed.

Narcissa, who had been listening in, looked appalled. "Snape! I didn't know you swung that way-"

"That's not what I meant!" he howled.

"It's perfectly alright, Severus, you and Draco can-"

"Narcissa. I'm warning you…"

She smiled and laughed. "See, that's just the reason that I'm not coming." She leaned closer and whispered something in his ear. Snape turned bright red, and stalked off down the stairs.

"Voldemort," Snape said, approaching the Dark Lord. "Is it against Death Eater rules to sleep in the nude?"

"Snape! I had no idea you were into that kind of stuff!" Voldemort's eyebrows were raised.

"Not me!"

"You keep telling yourself that, Sevvy…" Voldemort walked off, chuckling.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Eight o'clock found four Death Eaters in the living room, awaiting Peter's return from Blockbuster.

"Ooh! I'll do someone's nails while we wait!" Lucius suggested.

Everyone tried to discreetly scoot as far away from him as possible.

"Or we could play truth-or-dare!" Lucius continued.

"Hey, look! Narcissa on a hippo!" Voldemort pointed at the ceiling.

"Ooh, whe-" Lucius began.

Voldemort whacked him on the head with a Pepsi bottle. Lucius crumpled to the ground, passed out.

Everyone clapped.

Peter burst through the door. "I've got the movie!" he announced.

"Oh, good!" Voldemort exclaimed. "Put it in, Peter."

Everyone- minus unconscious Lucius- flopping down on their sleeping bags and eagerly awaited Peter to press Play.

Everyone waited to see what Peter had got for them…

"_American History, 1810-1900_?" Snape read. "You've got be kidding me!"

Peter shushed him. "This is the best part!"

Lucius sat up, rubbing his head. "Damn."

"I know!" Snape said angrily. "Peter, how could you get us this crappy movie?"

"No, not that. I left my _Trivial Pursuit: Sleepover Edition_ at home!"

"Oh, no. What _will_ we do?" Snape asked dryly.

Lucius sneered at him.

Rodolphus returned from the kitchen, holding a large bowl of popcorn and several Pixie Stix.

Lucius eagerly reached for the sugar, but Rodolphus held it over his head. "Uh-uh, Lucius. It's mine!"

"But I want some!" Lucius whined.

Snape grabbed a Stix and emptied over their heads. "There! No one gets them!"

"Er, Snape," Ro remarked. "I still have four left."

"Oh."

Peter's eyes were glued to the television as the elderly Muggle host explained the relevance of the materials used to make ships, compared to the engine of an early automobile.

"Fascinating," he breathed.

Voldemort had given the remains of the Pixie Stix to an ecstatic Lucius and Rodolphus, and was lecturing Snape on how growing boys needed their sugar. "There's evil out there, Snape. There's violence."

"That we create."

"And when kids-"

"Since when is Lucius a kid? He's forty-five, for heaven's sake-"

"_Ahem_. And when _kids_ see that aggression out there in the big, bad world, what have they got left? Nothing. They've lost their innocence. Let them have their sugar, I say. Let them know nothing of the horrible things out there, just waiting for them, while they still can. Remember your childhood, Snape? Weren't you a naïve child once?"

"If I recall, you lured me into this hellhole of sugar-high forty-something's, mentally unstable Animagi, and messed-up plans for conquering the world when I was fourteen!"

"Just remember how it felt to be a kid, Snape."

"Yeah, Snape," Rodolphus added. "Find your inner rainbow."

Snape clenched his fists. "That is it! I'm sleeping on the couch!"

Rodolphus grinned. "Aw, honey, please stay in the bed?"

"THAT'S NOT HOW I MEANT IT!"

"Sure it isn't, Sevvy-poo."

"I'M NOT GAY, DAMN IT!" Snape screamed.

Wormtail, Lucius, and Voldemort looked at him in surprise. "What was that?" Voldemort asked.

"Good God, you're loud." Lucius remarked.

"Shhh! I'm trying to hear about the effects the Civil War had on Oklahomans!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

An hour later, Peter's video was over, and he was rifling through Lucius's bag, looking for something to do.

"What's this?" he asked, pulling out something. "It looks like a one fingered glove… here's a wrapper… what's with the Indian on it? What does this say? Trojan?"

Lucius turned the color of a tomato mixed with a radish.

Rodolphus snickered. "Peter, that's not a one-fingered glove."

"Well, it sort of is, if you think about it," reasoned Voldemort.

Lucius snatched it away. "That's not mine. Draco must have put it in there."

"Oh, yes, because Draco has _so_ many girlfriends these days," Snape said sarcastically.

Peter still looked confused. "What _is_ it?"

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "I'm not telling him."

"Neither am I!" Rodolphus piped up.

"Same here," Snape and Lucius said together.

"Is it a balloon?" Peter asked.

"Yes," everyone said unanimously.

"Oh! Then why didn't you say so?" Peter asked.

"Because…Lucius is embarrassed. He has a balloon in his bag because he's training to be a clown." Ro explained.

"A professional clown?" Peter asked, eyes wide.

"Yes."

"Can he blow up the balloon for me and twist it into funny shapes?"

Lucius went red again and muttered something about that being more in Draco's area of expertise.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"So…" Voldemort said later.

"So…?" Snape asked.

"What's new with you all?"

"Well," said Lucius conversationally. "Narcissa thinks that we should go to counseling."

"What for?"

"Does it have something do to with the balloon I found?" inquired Peter, who perhaps wasn't as dense as they had thought.

"No!" Lucius said, blushing. "It's just… well, now that Draco's out of school, she says I'm having difficulty dealing with the fact that I can't go yell at the School Board anymore. Whenever I was upset, or angry, Narcissa would let me cool off by going to Fudge (or Scrimgeour) and complaining about the way that Hogwarts was run. So I said we should have another kid and add some Aging Potion to it's bottle… and when she vetoed that, I dressed a house-elf up in stilts and said it was an 11-year-old looking for a home… still don't know how she figured that one out…"

"Well, Bella and I are great," Rodolphus said. "Isn't it funny how you're having trouble with Narcissa, while her sister and I are perfectly fine?"

"I know, it's so weird!"

"No, I mean like, I laugh about it."

"Oh," said Lucius, looking a little put out.

"Have you ever wondered how they get those ships into those bottles?" Peter wondered aloud.

"Ooh! Let's karaoke!" Lucius yelled, grabbing a microphone and putting on a CD. "Ready? I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brother's can't deny-"

"Lucius. You're _done_." Snape interrupted. "That was worse then the Lestrange's rendition of Wannabe."

"Fine," Lucius huffed. He spotted something familiar protruding from Ro's bag. "Oh my gosh! Are those shoes Mizrahi? And is that a Fendi duffel? Ro, you have got to tell me where you got those. Wow! Are those jeans-"

"Lucius."

"-Dolce and Gabbana? Do I see Vuitton? I think I do!"

"Lucius."

"Oh my goodness! That's Gucci, isn't it? I know Gucci when I see it!"

"Lucius!"

"What, Rodolphus?" Lucius asked, annoyed, his hands on his hips.

"That's your stuff."

"Oh."

"What do you want to do now?" Peter asked.

Lucius glanced at his watch. "Oh, it's half past eleven already? I promised Draco I'd be home by now. I've gotta go."

"But…" Voldemort began, but Lucius had already grabbed his bag and Disapperated.

"Eleven thirty? I've, er… got a meeting to attend." Peter said shiftily.

"Meeting? What for?" Voldemort asked.

"Um… _Rats Anonymous_," he muttered, leaving before anyone could question him further.

Rodolphus grinned. "Hate to party and run…but I've got a date with a sadist at midnight, guys."

"Looks like it's just you and me, Snape," Voldemort said, throwing down a pillow.

"Yeah, about that… Potions seminar. Urgent. Gotta go."

"But-"

Snape had gone.

Voldemort threw up his hands in exasperation. "How can we have a sleepover when no one sleeps over?"

**A/N: Did you like it? Review! Take my review poll on my LiveJournal, please!**

**REVIEW SKIT TIME!**

**Avada Cruimperio: Wow, Draco, aren't you excited? We've reached 250 reviews!**

**Draco: Not really.**

**Avada: But that means people like you!**

**Draco: Me? People like me? **

**Avada: Yes. I don't know why, but yes.**

**Draco:puts on top hat and gets out a cane:begins tap-dancing: Well, my darling said she's a-goin to leaveeeeeee-**

**Avada: But you're gay.**

**Draco: HOW DARE YOU!**

**Lucius: It'sthat time of the month for him, Avada. Have some compassion.**

**Draco: I WANT CHOCOLATE!**

**Avada: You can have some if you tell everyone to review.**

**Draco: Review review review review review!**

**Avada: Good. There's your chocolate, Draco.**


	18. Lucius and Narcissa Go Gangsta!

**A/N: Oh my goodness! For the second time ever (AND in a row) I got over 20 reviews for one chapter! I am giddy with glee. AND I'm also in two c2's. I feel incredibly loved. Here are my selected review responses (three guesses as to why they're up here COUGHreviewskitCOUGH.**

**hogwartsgirl52:** I loved the Voldie song! It was so funny! If you go to I - am - bored . com and type in Harry Potter in the search box, tons of funny HP links come up.  
**Riddikulus300: **Yay! A new reviewer! I'm really honored to be put in your c2 AND with special mentions! I'm so glad you like my story!  
**Radszilla:** Camping? That's a really good idea… perhaps in two chapters from now as I have something special planned for next week's chapter  
**Gemma:** Tubular! I like that word! LOL. I was having issues with the review skit :sadness: Hopefully I'll do better this time!  
**Elfbrat18:** Whoa! Zillions of ideas! I think Lucius would work better than Snape, because we know that's Snape's family was pretty abusive. And that's not funny at all. Like, if I even tried to make that funny, it would be so crude. Lucius works, though. Like, how did he turn out...er… like he did, if you get my gist, LOL.  
**I am a banana:** Yay! Frenchness! JE TRES AMUSANT! My French teacher would be so proud…  
**ciararocks:** Glad you liked it! Yeah, I know mon is French, LOL. I just thought it was Spanish too… what? I've never taken Spanish, okay? ;)  
**Jedi Knight Padme: **LOVE the matchmaking (which is a real word, my spell-check liked it) ideas. They'll SO be up soon, with credit to you!  
**Jamc91:** Okay, so I looked at the beta thing you suggested, except I think it's more for beta-ing full stories from the 1st chapter on. 'Tis a little late for that…  
**Eccentric Banshee:** EE! You reviewed! Sorry, had to get that out of my system… that was the longest review I've ever gotten. Which is in no way a bad thing. I am so glad that you like my story! I'll probably never feel like it's as good as yours, which reminds me, I wanted to put a little thing in here about how people should go read your story:goes off to do that: And, because of your begging, Marissa is staying! Woo! Talk to you in your next review:hugs:  
**Alicethecatdemon:** Woot! Another new reviewer! Glad you liked it.

**ABOT THE BETA: Ha! Bet you thought I had forgotten, didn't you? Well, I didn't. I was really glad at the number of people that volunteered. And I wish I could pick all of you. But I could only pick one, so… congratulations, ciararocks! If its OK with you, I'll send you the next chapter by email when I've got it done.**

**Disclaimer: Hi, my name is Jo. And I work, in a Potter factory. I have a husband and a family. The other day, my boss came up to me and said, "Hey, Jo. Are you busy?" And I said, "WHAT DO YOU THINK, DIPSHIT? I WRITE THE $&!#$ HARRY POTTER BOOKS!"**

**That's J.K Rowling. Not me.**

Lucius And Narcissa Go Gangsta!

Narcissa and Lucius walked hand-in handinside the Malfoy Manor. "Wow, Narcissa, we sure had a swell time today, didn't we?" Lucius asked.

"We sure did, honey!" his wife replied.

Draco slid down the banister. "What's up?" he asked.

"The ceiling," Lucius automatically answered.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Excuse me. How _are_ you?"

"We're just dandy! Isn't that right, dear?" Narcissa said, turning to Lucius.

"Darn tootin', we are!"

Draco mentally groaned. "You guys are so old!"

"What do you mean?" Lucius asked.

"You guys talk like it's the 1920's!"

"We are not old-fashioned!" Narcissa exclaimed.

"Yeah! We're just as thigh-"

"_Hip_."

"-hip as those other parents!" Lucius finished.

"Sure you are."

"Oh, you think you're so cool, you little studmuffin, don't you? Well, we can be super-fly like everyone else!"

"Puh-leeze." Draco opened the refrigerator and swigged some pumpkin juice out of the bottle.

"Excuse me, young man! Were you raised in a barn?" demanded his mother.

Draco smirked. "_Exactly._" He headed for his room. "Stay out of trouble, you two."

"We'll show you!" Lucius screamed. "You and your coolie-o friends!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The next morning, Draco ran downstairs, hungry for breakfast. He had just sat down at the kitchen table with four waffles, when-

"Dad!" Draco gasped. "What happened?"

Lucius swaggered into the room a changed man. He wore an extra large black T-shirt with a picture of a Veela in a _very_ revealing bikini. However big the shirt was, it didn't cover up his plaid boxers, which were revealed by the fact that his pants were sagged about four inches above his knee. His long, blonde hair had been gathered up inside a hat, which was on top of a do-rag.

"It's Lushizzle, fo' yo' info'mation!" Lucius-, er, Lushizzle strutted over to the fridge and grabbed a box of cereal. "You said you wanted a change, boy, you got a chizizzle!"

"_Chizizzle_?" Draco repeated in disbelief. Mom would come down soon, and beat the crap out of Lucius and everything would be normal again, Mom would be down any minute….

"My Lushizzle!" Narcissa cried, running into the room. Draco's mouth fell open. This person was _not_ his mother. Her hair was in dreadlocks or cornrows or something _very_ different from the normal ponytail. She was clad in a hot pink tube top that barely reached her midriff, and a jean skirt so short it looked more like a denim bar of soap than a skirt.

"What's _wrong_ with you two?" Draco cried. "Dad-"

"Lushizzle!" his father corrected.

"_Dad_, I told you that Healer was up to no good when he put you on that medication. Come on, let's just go to Saint Mungo's, and-"

"I ain't goin' nowhere, you hear me? This is me, Lushizzle, yo' dad-"

"And yo' mom!" Narcissa added in. "Yo', kid, you want summin' to drink, ya hear?"

Draco numbly managed to nod.

Narcissa reached up to the top of the fridge to get a water bottle- and, in the process, nearly let _everything_ fall out of her shirt.

"That is it!" Draco screamed. "I'm going to Blaise's house! His mom might be a slutty model with eight husbands, but that's better than you guys!"

"Yo, Drakizzle, why don't you wanna stay wit' yo' moma and dad, yo?" Lushizzle asked.

"Because you're _scary!_"

"Young mashizzle, you don't talk to yo' parents like dat, yo!" Narcissa exclaimed.

"Uh… I'd love to stay and, er, chat, but we've got a meeting at Vile Love Dorr in a half-hour and I've got to do my hair." Draco slowly backed away and bolted up the stairs.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Role call!" Voldemort sang out. "Avery!"

"He's sick," someone called.

"Marissa!" Voldemort moved on.

"Here," she said, not looking at Voldemort as she turned over a card. "Hah! An ace! Beats your king, Blaise!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes and worked his way through the list.

"Macnair!"

"Here!" called the man with the shiny axe on his lap.

"Lucius!"

Silence.

"Luuuucius?"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Come _on,_ Dad," Draco pleaded. "We have to get to the meeting!"

"I ain't goin' nowhere, foo'!" Lucius said stubbornly, arms crossed.

Draco grabbed his arm. "You're going."

"Make me!"

Draco turned on the spot.

"Damn Side-Along Apparition!" Lucius muttered.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"I'm giving Lucius three seconds to show up," Voldemort said huffily.

"He's not going to show."

"He _better_. Three… two…on-"

_Slam_.

"Dammit, Draco!" Voldemort cried, picking himself up from where the two Malfoys had appeared on top of him. "Your lack of coordination is really beginning to bug me!"

"Sor_ry_ if I figured that you wouldn't' be standing on the coffee table!" Draco said indignantly, muttering under his breath about how he had planned to Apparate on top of the table because he figured no one would be there.

"Anyways, where in Merlin's name is your father?" Voldemort demanded.

Draco sighed. "He's right here."

Voldemort instantly recoiled at the sight of the hip-hop-ifyied Death Eater. "Lu-L-La-Lo-" he stuttered. "What are you _on_?" he finally got out.

"Yo', why you be hatin', homie?"

"Oh, shit."

"You can say that again." Draco said.

"Oh, shit."

Draco rolled his eyes.

"How did Narcissa let him do this?" Voldemort asked.

"Let him? She's with him on this."

"See? Now don't you wish they had given you up for adoption?" Bellatrix asked.

Rodolphus faced his brother-in-law. "Lucius, why?"

"Yo, Draco was all like, Yo, man, you guys are old, yo. So I was like, Yo, you wanna mess? And he was like, no, brotha'. I'm so scared of you, yo!"

"That is _not_ how it happened," a red-faced Draco said.

"Draco, if you don't get your father back to normal in fifteen seconds, I will make sure that you are physically unable to have any children," Voldemort warned.

"Well, it's not like he would have, anyways," Bella reasoned. "I mean, he _is_ gay."

"Yeah, but, you heard what Nana said. They can do anything with magic these days!" Rodolphus reminded her.

"I can't picture Draco with kids. He'd probably accidentally throw them out the window."

"Hello! I'm right here!" Draco reminded them.

"Yo, Drakizzle, don't flip outta wack, yo!"

Voldemort grabbed Lucius's do-rag off of his head.

Lucius let out a high-pitched girlish sounding scream. "Give it BACK, yo!"

"Lucius. I'm going to count to ten. If you're not back to yourself by then, I'm going to take away Narcissa's wand and burn her at the stake."

Lucius remained silent.

"AND I'll throw the do-rag in."

"All right! All right! I give up." Lucius conceded.

Draco strummed a harp and sang, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"

"I take offense to that," Rodolphus said. "I'm Jewish."

"Oh," Draco said, throwing the harp out the window. "Sorry."

"See!" Bellatrix exclaimed. "I told you he throws stuff out the window!"

**A/N: READ VOLDEMORT AND HIS FAITHFUL DEATH EATER'S LARKS by ECCENTRIC BANSHEE! THEY BOTH ROCK!**

**REVIEW SKIT TIME!**

**Draco: You know, I'm incredibly OOC.**

**Avada Cruimperio: I've noticed.**

**Draco: That pisses me off.**

**Hermione: Draco! Look at me! I'm pureblood and tall and hot and blonde and have huge boobs and have lost my brain! Let's snog!**

**Ginny: No! Draco's MY lover! Look at my cascading red hair and fiery temper! And my boobs are bigger than yours!**

**Harry: Ginny! I thought we had something! But now I'm dark, depressed, and I cut myself! Look at my scars! I miss Sirius! I want to slit my wrists!**

**Ron: What about our secret lover-ness, Harry? Now I'm going to join the Death Eaters and kill you:stabs Harry:**

**Snape: No! Harry! My lover!**

**Voldemort: AHH! Look at the pretty bunny! I want to feed you carrots, yes I do… :snogs rabbit:**

**Avada: Okay! Okay! I'll put you back in character! Just erase the sight of Voldemort snogging the bunny from my mind! **

**Draco: Okay. _Obliviate!_**

**Avada: How convenient. I've forgotten to put you in character. Oh well:skips off joyfully:**

**Draco: CURSES! **


	19. The Death Eaters Halloween

**A/N: OMG! 300 reviews! I'm so excited! I _never_ expected to get this many at all! Thank you all so, so much! And, for the THIRD time in a row, I got at least twenty reviews for one chapter! If I could keep that streak going, it would seriously make me incredibly happy. Come on, just push the little blue button and type in "this was a great chapter". Or, "you suck i wish you would go drown in the atlantic ocean." You can feel free to expand on these, of course. Please do.**

**Also, many many thanks go out to my new beta, ciararocks! Thanks so much for your help!**

**One more thing: Last week, I discovered the hilarity of the Potter Puppet Pals. My computer is really messed up, so I'm only able to watch "Trouble at Hogwarts", but I'm seeing "Bothering Snape" today at my friend's house. Has anyone else seen these? I love them. I love to learn! I love magic! I love you, Harry! Um...**

**Review responses:**

**Sea4Shoes: Oh. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you or anything, I didn't know. I'm sorry.**

**Jedi Knight Padme: I have actually thought about that, but there are so many of those out there… but since I'm thinking of stopping one of my other HP fics, so if people say they'll read it, I may just do that.**

**I am a banana: My French sucks, too, don't worry. I HAVE FAILED YOU, MADMOISELLE MARTEL! BTW, thanks for the marshmallow. C'est super delicioux! **

**jamc91: LOL, I'll warn ciararocks of your possible future censored doings. Crumpets are cool. I'm gonna go buy one. **

**LoonyLuna48: I want the plaque… so expect Luna soon. I have about 2 months or so left of already planned chapters, but I'll see what I can do. Also, thanks SO much for the fanart! I read this story once where someone made a picture for the story, and ever sin ce, it's been one of my goals to have smeone do fanart for me.**

**Electra de Lioncourt: A new reviewer! I love you.**

**Ophelia: It is scary when people do that. Someone called me homeslice yesterday…**

**Disclaimer: -flashback from Chapter 2- Hello. My. Name. Is. Marissa. I. Am. An. Author. You. Can. Be. One. Too. But. You. Don't. Own. Diddley-squat! **

The Death Eaters' Halloween!

Lucius slid down the railing of Vile Love Dorr's staircase and jumped off, landing on an angry and surprised Voldemort.

"HALLOWEEN'S TOMORROW!" Lucius screamed.

"I've noticed. Ever since you put the eight foot tall jack-o-lantern in the kitchen that you bewitched to count down the minutes until Halloween, it's been rather hard not to realize it."

"I'm so excited! What are you going to be?" Lucius asked.

"I dunno. I wasn't really planning on dressing up."

Lucius looked scandalized.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"It's here! It's here!" Lucius sang, springing out of bed the next morning. "Time to get my costume on!" He dressed and Apparated to the Vile Love Dorr driveway. "Here I come!" He burst in through the dorr- er, door.

Snape froze, his coffee cup halfway to his mouth. "Dear Merlin!"

Voldemort was unknowingly buttering his toast with cooking oil. "Lucius, are you on drugs?"

"I kind of like it," Peter said.

"What _is_ it?" Blaise asked.

"I'm a _fairy_!"

"Yes, you are," muttered Snape.

But indeed, he was. He was dressed in a shimmery pink dress with a ruffled white fake lace skirt, with enormous purple wings on either side of him. He held a light blue wand that was made of _plastic_, of all the horrors, and it lit up when you pressed a button on the side. In addition to all that, he had dyed his Death Eater bracelet purple- excuse me, _lavender_.

"Don't you justlove it?" Lucius asked, admiring the skirt.

"No," said everyone in unison.

"Oh, pish-posh," dismissed Lucius with a wave of his hand. "I'm lovely!"

Bellatrix entered the room, and immediately noticed the costume-clad man in the doorway. She squinted, trying to recognize who it was. "New recruit?"

"No, silly, it's me! Your brother-in-law!" Lucius squealed.

"I am _not_ related to you," Bella muttered, grabbing some toast.

"So, Wormtail, what say you and I go to a haunted house today?" Rodolphus suggested. "I've got a few… things… to do first, but we can head out around noon if you're up for it."

Peter turned red and muttered something about his sick grandmother.

"Oh, come off it, Wormtail. I'll make sure the big, bad monsters don't get you, alright?"

"Do I _have_ to?" he whined.

"Yes. Now, since you're the only one left in the kitchen, why don't you go watch some TV while I… er… clean up?" Ro suggested. "I know you don't want to miss your National Geographic program on at 10."

Peter squealed and ran out of the room, dashing for the television.

Rodolphus grinned, and grabbed the bag of candy Voldemort had bought for the trick-or-treaters and a bottle of vodka. He waved around his wand and the vodka disappeared inside the candy…

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Snape sat glumly next to the front door, a bowl of candy next to him. How _he_ had been assigned Official Candy Giver, he had no idea. But it was two o'clock, and they'd be showing up soon…

_Ding-dong_.

They had arrived.

Snape pulled open the door to see…

"Potter?" he snarled. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Hey, mister, we just want some candy!"

Snape frowned. That wasn't The-Boy-Who-Everyone-Wished-Had-Not-Lived's voice…

"Who are you?" he asked suspiciously.

"Mommy said not to tell strangers my name," the little boy replied.

It clicked.

"You're dressed up for Halloween as Harry Potter!" Snape laughed, finally getting it.

"Yes."

"From the books!"

"Mm-hmm."

"And the movies!"

"Yup."

"GET OFF MY LAWN!"

The boy yelped and scampered far, far away from Vile Love Dorr.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Wormtail warily entered the haunted house. Why, oh, why had he let Rodolphus convince him to come…

"Boo!" yelled a green Frankenstein, popping out from a door

"AHHHHHHHH!" Wormtail screamed, running away as fast as he could.

He realized that Ro wasn't with him. "Ro?" he asked. "Rodolphus?"

But he got no answer.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." Wormtail chanted under his breath. "Crap, crap, crap, crap-AH!"

A vampire had grabbed him by the shoulders, then peered suspiciously at his jeans. "Vhat is zat on your pants?" he asked.

Wormtail looked down. He had wet his pants. Again.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"For the last time, no one dressed as Harry Potter will get any candy!" Snape screamed, slamming the door.

_Ding-Dong_.

"Trick or treat!" yelled Harry, Ron, and Hermione Number Eleven.

"ARRGGH!" Snape screamed.

"Where's our candy?" asked a Ron with about ten teeth.

Snape bared his teeth. "TEN THOUSAND MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" he screamed.

The little wizards scampered off into the night.

Snape was about to close the door again, when-

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Peter was alone. Peter was alone and he was scared. He was lost inside the haunted house, he had no idea where Ro was, seventeen more scary badly made-up creatures had burst out at him, and there was a sick yet extremely familiar smell wafting up from his jeans. He had to find Rodolphus, or else-

"AHHHHHHH!" Peter screamed, as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Chill, it's just me," Ro said, jamming his hands in his pocket. "Where've you been?"

"Looking for you!" Peter squeaked.

"Dude, I've been paging you for the last ten minutes. Haven't you heard the 'Peter Pettigrew, a.k.a. Wormtail, please report to the front door?'?"

"No…" Peter said slowly.

"Well, dude, I've been doing that for the last half hour. Come on, Bella's making fried pumpkin seeds and I know Draco'll eat them all up." He Disapperated.

"Not again!" Peter moaned.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Trick or treat!"

This time it wasn't just Harry, Ron, and Hermione. The Gryffindor Gits were accompanied by Dumbledore, the Weasley twins, Lily and James.

Snape rolled his eyes and gave everyone a small piece of some rip-off chocolate frog type -thing, and barely noticed when the last member of the group was holding out his candy bag expectantly.

Snape looked at the boy. He was extremely hideous. He was wearing a long, black robe, and had painted his face green with warts all over, especially on the nose and chin. He had a black wig on that looked as if he had dumped it in a tin of fry grease. "And what are _you_?" he asked.

"Me?" he said. "I'm Severus Snape!"

**REVIEW SKIT!**

**Wait! No! It's a….**

**Review SONG!**

**-Avada Cruimperio appears in a Santa suit, with a bag of gifts around her shoulder and begins to sing-**

**  
You'd better watch out!  
You'd better not cry!  
You'd better review!  
I'm telling you why,  
Avada Claus is comin' to town!  
She's readin' a list  
and checking it twice.  
She's going to find out who's reviewed and been nice.  
Avada Claus is comin' to town. **

**  
She sees when you are readin'.  
She knows when you're awake.  
She knows if you've reviewed or not.  
So review for goodness sake!**

**You'd better watch out!**

**You'd better not cry!**

**You'd better review!**

**Avada Claus is coooooooimmmmmming to TOWNNNNNNN!**

**-tap dances off the stage-**

**PS: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!**


	20. Voldemort Goes On A Blind Date

**IMPORTANT! FOR ALL OF THOSE WHO READ LIFE WAS PERFECT, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF HOGSMEADE, OR BOTH!**

**Okay, so a lot of you are going to hate me for this, but... I've decided to end 2 of my stories. Yes, that's right. Not one, but two. As anyone with brains can guess, I'm keeping this story. Which leaves Life Was Perfect and The Wonderful Wizard Of Hogsmeade for the garbage man. "Why, Avada?" you might ask. "Why are you doing this?" Well, there are quite a few reasons. Number one, they've become extremely difficult for me to write. And it shows. Number two, they get very few reviews. I know I'm spoiled by the 300+-review success of MFBFTDE, but I can't help it. I'm ending the suffering of the "fans". Instead of waiting months for updates, they never have to wait! And, well, since the start of the 3rd season of the OC, making LWP AU, it's been difficult for me to remember that those things _didn't _happen in my story. And as for TWWOH, well, it's really aggravating to have to keep constantly referring to the Wizard of Oz script. And, have you ever tried to write 3 stories at once? If you can do it successfully, congratulations. I can't. BUT holds up finger I am going to be starting a new story (which I'm going to talk about next chapter since this AN is too long already). "What!" you say. "Didn't you just say that you can't handle writing more than one story at a time?" Well, I can't. You're right. So if I decide to do my new story (sorry, OC fans, it's Harry Potter), (WHICH I haven't made my mind up about, I have to do some more thinking) it won't be updated as fast as MFBFTDE, which will also go a bit slower, but that's OK. Anyways, I'm really sorry about all of this!**

**Selected review responses:**

**To everyone who commented on my Potter Puppet Pals obsession: I finally got to see Bothering Snape. It _rocks_. By the way, do you all know about the hidden scene in Trouble at Hogwarts? If you don't, I'll tell you. It's hilarious. **

**Ridddikulus3000: A shorter way of saying it? MFBFTDE. **

**I am a banana: I keep meaning to ask my French teacher how to say marshmallows rock, but alas, I keep forgetting. So, tu es genial pour réexaminer! That must suffice… Oh, and guimauves sont tres delicious, oui, oui. **

**ciararocks: By all means, feel free to keep reviewing.**

**LOTZAstuffINmyhead: Wow, that was… interesting. Not exactly sure what the Melbourne Cup is, though…**

**FanFictionFantom: You know, when you do the next story, I'll review every chapter. COUGH I'll love you forever if you write it COUGH**

**Hieirulesall:_ One_ question? LOL, that's ok. I'm not sure what Snape did to the poor kid, though. He didn't kill him… but I doubt he was happy. I think Wormtail made it out alive… but his jeans will never be the same…**

**AinoMinako: 'Tis okay. Keep reading!**

**Random A/N: Anyone watch _Reunion_? I do… no one else I know does… must gossip with fellow fans…**

**Disclaimer:** **I own nothing. But I did get some ages of the characters from Wikipedia. **

Voldemort Goes On A Blind Date

Voldemort was not the type of guy that hung around the dating scene. Most dates he had been on within the last forty years had ended abruptly when he tried to look deeply into the woman's eyes. Apparently, having red pupils is a big turn-off.

So when Rodolphus said he could set him up on a blind date with someone, Voldemort wasn't too optimistic about the whole idea.

"Rodolphus, listen to me. I'm seventy-three years old, wear no other color but black, I used to sleep with a stuffed hippo, I've got red eyes, and, oh yes, I'M THE EVILEST MAN ON THE PLANET!"

"So?" Ro asked.

"So, who would want to date me?"

"Trust me. She's right around your age, you might have actually gone to school with her, now that I think about it-"

"Rodolphus, I am _not_ going on a date with Moaning Myrtle."

"Don't worry, she's alive. You'll like her. You've got a lot in common."

So here he was, at 6:45 on a Saturday night, wearing a burgundy sweater and some very nice khaki pants, and wearing sunglasses to hide the evidence of evilness in his eyes. He sighed, and apparated about a block away from Chez Fudge, the newest hot-spot for the best food in the Wizarding World. The former Minister of Magic had, after being sacked, decided to go into the cuisine business and had become an instant success.

Voldemort did one last appearance check, folded a black handkerchief with his initials (TMR) scratched out in Magic Marker and replaced with LVTMKAVITW (Lord Voldemort, the most kick-ass villain in the world), courtesy of Rodolphus Lestrange.

He rounded the corner to meet his date and saw…

"Minnie?" he asked in astonishment, taking off his sunglasses in hopes that they were impairing his vision.

"Tom?" replied an equally astounded Minerva McGonagall.

McGonagall had immediately turned a bright shade of red, but whether it was from anger or embarrassment, he couldn't tell. He _had_ noticed her blushing and giggling at the sight of him back in their Hogwarts days when he was a fifth year and she a sixth, but then again, he had murdered countless numbers of her friends, co-workers, and loved ones back in the day….

So, obviously it was from embarrassment.

"How's it going, Minnie?" he asked conversationally, holding open the restaurant door for her.

"Peachy keen," she muttered. "And please don't call me Minnie."

"Right then…" he said, the conversation dying.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Voldemort casually checked McGonagall out and was disappointed to see that much had changed since Hogwarts. He remembered her at sixteen, and, man, she had been _hot_. Now, the thought of pursuing anything further than a friendship with her was rather disturbing.

"McGonagall, party of two, your table is ready," the loudspeaker announced. Voldemort stood up and he and Minerva began to follow the host.

"Why did you put it under my name?" she hissed on the way.

"Because," he hissed back, "how do you think it would go for me if they shouted "LORD VOLDEMORT, party of two"? They wouldn't show us the table, they'd show me a team of Aurors and a jail cell in Azkaban."

"Oh."

The host coughed loudly.

"Sorry," they both mumbled.

"Beatrice will be your server tonight. She'll be by in a few minutes."

Voldemort sat down. McGonagall waited, tapped her foot.

He looked up from the menu. "The chair doesn't bite, you know."

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for pulling it out for me!" she said huffily.

"But I didn't," Voldemort said confusedly.

She sighed loudly and sat down.

They both intently studied the menus for a while, until the waitress came by and took their orders.

With the menus gone, there was nothing to do, but… talk.

"So," Voldemort asked awkwardly. "How's… Hogwarts?"

"It would be a lot better if your Death Eater hadn't MURDERED THE HEADMASTER!" McGonagall screeched.

Everyone in the restaurant stared at her.

Voldemort pulled his robes up over his nose in hopes of not being recognized.

When the dining public's eyes had been averted, he lowered his robes. "Would you rather it had been Draco? Let's see, current student killing old Albus, or former student. Take your pick, Minnie."

"Don't call me Minnie."

Voldemort looked down and noticed the soup had arrived. "So, Minn-er, Professor," he began, not sure as to how to refer to her. "Have you ever thought about getting contacts?"

McGonagall shuddered as he loudly slurped his minestrone. "No."

"Well," he said, trying to rest his arm on the table- but in doing so, landing it on the edge of the bowl, and as a result…

"My dress!" gasped a soup-covered McGonagall. "This cost forty-three Galleons! I saved up for seven years to buy it!"

"And you woulda thunk that being Deputy Headmistress all these years had some salary perks," Voldemort muttered.

McGonagall glared at him and muttered some spell under her breath that cleaned the soup up.

They ate (or slurped) in silence for a while, and a few minutes later, when Voldemort had loudly pushed his empty bowl away from him, he started the conversation again.

"So, have you been in touch with anyone from our school days lately?" he asked.

"The only ones I knew are dead," she replied coldly.

Voldemort winced. Okay, bad subject. "You know, the _funniest_ thing happened to me the other day while I was driving-"

"Tom," McGonagall interrupted. "I think that this has been sufficiently awkward and I suggest that we end it, now."

"That's so rude!" Voldemort said loudly. "You think I was happy about seeing you here? But I tried to make the best of it! And I didn't kill you!"

"I ought to kill you, you worthless piece of scum!" McGonagall shouted, standing up.

"I'd like to see you try, you filthy Mudblood lover!" he screamed.

"Your robes are ugly!" she screeched.

"Your hair is the frizziest piece of crap I've ever seen!" he yelled.

"Go die!"

"Yeah, well… I bet the reason you're so upset about Snape killing Dumbledore is because you liked him!" Voldemort improvised on the spot.

"How dare you!" she cried, grabbing her salad that had just been placed on the table and dumping it over his head.

Voldemort stood there in shock, covered in salad, tomato slices dripping into his eyes.

She grabbed her coat and stormed out of the building, stopping at the entrance to yell, "And you have to pay the bill, you atrocious cretin!"

Voldemort brushed some dressing out of his face. "I'm… going to be going now," he muttered, disapparating with a crack.

Rodolphus was sitting on the couch, reading Bellatrix's copy of _Witch Weekly_. He looked up guiltily.

"Why must you be in here, waiting for me to get back every time I go somewhere?" Voldemort asked crossly.

"Because I like to stay up late on weekends and read articles on the best way not to mess up my freshly straightened hair while sleeping- I mean, never mind. So how was the date?" Rodolphus asked, hastily changing the subject.

"You set me up on a date with Minerva McGonagall! I can't believe you!" Voldemort shouted.

Rodolphus looked confused. "I didn't set you up with her…"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Olive Hornby stood at the entrance to Chez Fudge, impatiently tapping her foot. "He said he'd be here at seven!"

**A/N: Review skit time! Starring Avada Cruimperio and… Crabbe and Goyle! Yay!**

**Avada Cruimperio: Have you ever noticed that I'm exceedingly amazing?**

**Crabbe: What does that big word starting with "x" mean?**

**Avada: … none of the words I just said started with an "x"…**

**Goyle: Yeah, they did. Exunerate… or something like that… **

**Avada: Exceedingly? **

**Crabbe: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! **

**Avada: Exceedingly begins with an "E", Vincent.**

**Crabbe: But… but it sounds like an "x"…**

**Goyle: Actually, Vincent, not all letters referring to the letter "x" are what they seem. Exceedingly was a good example of one case, where an "e_x_" sounds like it's just an "x". Another would be where the letter "x" sounds like a "z", as in the word _xenophile_, which means a love of foreign things, or, contradictorily, _xenophobia_, which is a fear or hatred of foreign people.**

**-Everyone stares-**

**Goyle: I mean… Duh, what's a letter?**

**Avada: That's what I thought you said. **

**Crabbe: … is anyone gonna tell me what the big word with the "x" in it means?**


	21. Bananas And Cream Puffs

**A/N: I'm really sorry this took so long, but I had a ton of writers block and all that good stuff. I'm so sorry! Review anyways, though. :-D**

**Selected review responses:**

**Chinese Miko: Ooh, a Tom/Minnie? Very, very interesting. After all, he was dreamy back in the day…**

**I am a banana: Okay, so I had to use FreeTranslations for some of that, but it mean you (tu) are (es) great (genial) for (pour) reviewing (réexaminer'). Don't worry, my French is crap, too. **

**LOTZAstuffINmyHead: Okay, I get it now. Thanks for the explanation (and of course the review).**

**XPussyWillowKittenx: Who _was_ she supposed to meet… um… I have no idea. How about… Mad-Eye Moody. Bit of randomness there.**

**Everyone who asked about the deleted scene in 'Trouble At Hogwarts': Wait 'til Voldy's Avada-ing Snape. Then, pause the thing with the square button near the bottom left and fast forward using the triangle facing the right until the green jet of light is a star, and click on the star.**

**Disclaimer: One of these days, I WILL own Harry Potter. Until then…**

Bananas and Cream Puffs. 

Lucius walked into Vile Love Dorr kitchen to find Snape sitting at the table with his eyes glazed over.

"…the hell?"

"Shut up!" Snape said. "I'm having a flashback!"

_"NOT AGAIN!" Snape roared, as the person sitting next to George Weasley's cauldron exploded. "I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY MORE SHENANIGANS!"_

_"Sevvy, chill out," Fred Weasley said, putting his feet up on his desk. _

_"DETENTION!" Snape bellowed. "FOR EVERYONE WITH THE LAST NAME WEASLEY IN THE WORLD! AND A HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"_

_BOOM_

_"ANOTHER EXPLODING CAULDRON!" Snape screeched. "CLASS DISMISSED!"_

_"What's the homework?" a shy Gryffindor girl asked._

_"GO SCREW YOURSELVES!"_

Lucius sniggered. "I remember hearing about that. You know, I convinced Dumblebutt not to fire you after that…"

_"Haha!" Lucius said, laughing and pointing at the Headmaster. "Your name is Albutt Dumblebutt!"_

_"Stop it!" Dumbledore sobbed, wiping his face. "That hurts my feelings!"_

_"Albutt! Albutt!" Lucius chanted._

_"Okay! Okay! I won't fire Severus! Just stop it!"_

_"Good," Lucius said, adjusting the bow in his hair and prancing out of the room. "Dumblebutt."_

_"WAHH!" _

"You know, sometimes I wish that I never had applied for that job…"

_"Miss Lovegood! We are making the Luxurious Lotion, not the Lavender Pattycakes!" Snape thundered. "And put away that ridiculous magazine!"_

_"It's not ridiculous," Luna said, blinking at him. "It's actually quite informative. If we hadn't printed that article on Blumdicacious Snargdenhoppers, the world as we know it would have ceased to exist. Do you think you would be interested in being interviewed as a source for a newest article?"_

_"And what would that be?"_

_"Voldemort: Evil Overlord or Exceptional Octopus?" _

"I read that article," Voldemort said, entering the room. "I wonder how she found out that my Patronus is an octopus?"

Bella walked in. "Can you guys believe that Goblet of Fire comes out next week?" she asked. "Have you all pre-ordered your tickets?"

Peter stared at the ground. "Maybe…"

Draco was deep in thought. "Isn't it great when people you don't know come up to you and tell you you're sexy?" he asked.

"Has that ever… happened to you?" Rabastan asked.

"Mm-hmm. I remember it like it was yesterday…"

_Draco was walking inside Flourish and Blotts when a hand reached out to stop him. _

_"You're sexy," someone said._

_"Thanks," Draco said, smoothing back his hair. "I get that a lot."_

_"You're probably the sexiest guy I've ever seen."_

_"Thanks. I'm Draco."_

_"Nice to meet you, Draco. I'm Tom Felton."_

"Yes, sexiness is a gift," Draco sighed. "Wormtail, don't you love it when that happens?"

"Yeah, people tell me I'm sexy all the time," Wormtail squeaked.

_"Hey, you! Lardface!" a big, mean seventh-year called down the hall._

_Peter, a shy second year, whimpered. "W-what do you want?"_

_"You're the ugliest thing I've ever seen, you ugly piece of crap. Why don't you go back to your hole?" _

_Peter sniveled._

_"Look at that. He can't even come up with a decent comment."_

_Peter looked up. "W-where'd you get your clothes, at the toilet store?"_

_The seventh-years laughed. _

_Peter noticed he had on the same clothes as them._

"That's… not really people calling you sexy…"

"Fine!"

_"Mum! Look!" a six-year-old Percy Weasley called. "I found a rat!"_

_"Ew!" squealed three-year-old George. "Ew!"_

_One-year-old Ron hit the rat over the head with a wooden spoon._

_"Mum, can I keep it?" Percy begged._

_"Percy, that's the nastiest thing I've ever seen. It smells, looks horrible, and is probably rabid…_"

"That's… not really complimenting you either…"

Lucius laughed. "Dude, that kid hit you on the head with a spoon!" He grabbed a utensil and smacked Peter with it. "That's fun!"

"I like to kill people," Bellatrix said mildly.

"Do you know how many different flavors of cheese there are?" Lucius asked. "There's Swiss cheese, and American cheese, and mozzarella cheese, and blue cheese…"

"I'm thinking of joining a band," Rodolphus said. "Anyone else want to join?"

"No, thanks," said Peter. "Ever since I got my head stuck in a tuba, I've never had much in music."

"Oh, well." Rodolphus said. "Maybe I'll take an acting class."

"…parmesan cheese and cottage cheese and cream cheese…"

"I'm bored," Draco said. "Someone entertain me."

"What do you want me to do?" Voldemort asked.

"Tap-dance?" Draco suggested.

"I should take a tap-dancing class!" Rodolphus exclaimed.

"…cheddar cheese and Colby cheese and gorgonzola cheese-"

"SHUT UP ABOUT CHEESE!" everyone roared.

"Sorry," Lucius said.

"You know, this chapter was about nothing," Draco stated.

"I wonder what Avada's going to name it."

"No one will review."

"I'll hurt people if they don't review- I mean, send them to Happy Fairy Land."

"Let's call it The Flashback Chapter."

"The Cheese Chapter!"

"The Randomest Chapter, Ever."

"Bananas and Cream Puffs!" Draco exclaimed.

Everyone nodded. "I like it."

**Review Skit Time!**

**Draco:skips around handing candy to children: There you go, Bethany! Take two! Lalalala!**

**Lucius: Draco, what in heaven's name are you doing?**

**Draco: I'm a good Samaritan!**

**Lucius:blinks:… the hell's a Samaritan?**

**Draco: It means I do good things, silly.**

**Lucius: Have I taught you nothing? Kill children, not give them candy.**

**Draco: Oh yeah… No way! I'm incurably gay! And I love puppies and kitties and I donate money to the poor! Let's skip!**

**Lucius :sits down on a rock and sobs:**

**Draco: Don't worry, Dad. I have good news!**

**Lucius: You're straight? And you hate animals and kill poor people and loathe skipping!**

**Draco: No. But I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance!**


	22. The Death Eaters Take An Etiquette Class

**A/N: So sorry this took so long, again! This time, though, I have a legitimate excuse: around Tuesday, I caught a bad cold, and then on Friday I got some type of virus. And when I'm sick, I'm not funny. Funny _sounding, _maybe…**

**Yeah, I saw GoF. Didn't really live up to my expectations, but it is hard to put a 740 page book into a movie. And all I'm gonna say is yes, I did cry over Cedric. And he was hot.**

**Wowness! Over 370 reviews! I think I may be in shock. I have to admit, when Chapter 20 was _1_ review away from 20, therefore breaking my streak, I was kinda sad. And when last chapter was 2 away (until about 5 minutes ago when I got 2 more reviews), it got me thinking that maybe I'm not as funny as I used to be. So if you like it, review! It helps my self-esteem.**

**NOTE ABOUT REVIWER RESPONSES-**

**Fanfiction has created a thing where I press a button on your sent review and I can reply to it! And it gets emailed to you or something! The catch is, you have to be logged in. But I really don't want to risk being taken down so I'm gonna do this the legal way. If you're not logged in- I still love you and your reviews! But I can't respond to them anymore. Sorry to everyone who won't be getting them!**

**Disclaimer: Do I have to say it? -is chased by copyright infringement lawyers- Okay! Okay! I don't own Harry Potter!**

The Death Eaters Take an Etiquette Class

Voldemort sat down to dinner with the Death Eaters. He raised his glass.

"I would like to make a toast," he said tearfully, "to the memory of our dear, beloved Mr. Fluffers."

Everyone rolled their eyes, but held up their wine glasses as well.

"He was a good man- er, hippo, Mr. Fluffers," Voldemort continued. "Loved by all-"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Bellatrix snapped. "Just let us drink already!"

Voldemort looked scandalized.

Everyone glared at him.

"Oh, fine," he muttered, drinking his wine.

Goyle immediately picked up several pieces of chicken and jammed them into his mouth at once.

Rodolphus scooped some butter out of the bowl using his potato.

Snape opened his mouth and poured in a suspiciously red liquid upside-down.

Lucius watched them all with evident disgust. "You guys are sick!" he announced.

"Oh my gosh!" Wormtail said. "You mean we're all gonna get salmonella?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "No. You all have absolutely no table manners!"

"Wharttergmers?" Crabbe asked with his mouth open.

"Eeeeeeewww!" squealed Draco.

"Swallow, please," Narcissa said.

Crabbe swallowed. "What are table manners?"

"Same thing as etiquette," Draco explained.

"E-ti-kit?" Goyle sounded out.

"ETIQUETTE- noun- origin: French- the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life," Wormtail spouted off.

Everyone looked at him quizzically.

"Er, never mind."

"That does it!" Lucius decided. "Something needs to be done…"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Welcome to Madame Snuffleuphagus's School of Etiquette. I am Madame Snuffleuphagus, and this is my School of Etiquette."

That sentence would haunt Severus Snape for the rest of his life.

After seeing how barbarically his fellow Death Eaters ate, Lucius had enrolled all of them in a manners class.

That wasn't what was scaring Snape.

No, it was Madame Snuffleuphagus herself who was freaking him out.

He _knew_ her.

"Snape!" Rodolphus hissed. "Isn't Madame Snufflewhatever that crazy old lady that proposed to you on the rainbow?"

All Snape could do was numbly nod.

"You!" Madame Snuffleuphagus rapped Rodolphus upside the head with a ruler. "Do not speak as I am speaking! That is improper etiquette!"

"Sorry," Rodolphus muttered, as Bellatrix attempted to murder their instructor with her eyes.

"You! Miss! Do not have that unpleasant face on! People will think you have improper etiquette!" Madame Snuffleuphagus shot at the female Lestrange. "Anyways, as I have previously stated, welcome to my school. Today, you will be learning proper eating etiquette. Please, take a seat in any of the chairs."

Mumbling and grumbling, the Death Eaters slouched over to the table and plunked themselves down in the seats.

"Oh my, oh my, oh my!" Madame Snuffleuphagus clucked. "That will not do at all! Observe." She gracefully pulled out a chair and sat down delicately on the edge. "Now, you try."

Everyone succeeded except for Crabbe, who was unable to balance without the support of the back of the chair and fell off, and Goyle, who broke his chair.

"It'll do," she said, eying them disdainfully. "Next, it is time for the soup course. Please take out your soup spoon and begin."

Everyone grabbed the first spoon in sight, with much loud clanking of the silverware.

"No, no, no!" Madame Snuffleuphagus shrieked. "The spoon _farthest _away from the plate, dearest, _farthest_ away. All right? Everyone with me? Now, begin the soup."

Everyone loaded their spoons and slurped away.

"Oh me, oh my!" gasped Madame Snuffleuphagus. "Slurping is forbidden! Only children of the devil slurp!"

Everyone avoided each other's eye.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Two hours and about forty horrified outbursts from the Madame later, class was over. And much to Snape's relief, Madame Snuffleuphagus hadn't seemed to notice him.

Or so he thought.

As he straggled, last, out the door, a hand out his shoulder made him turn around.

"H-hello, ma'am," he said nervously.

"Hello, Sevvy," she said coyly, taking off her blazer. "Long time no see?"

"Erm-well, yes- must go-" Snape began.

"Go? I think not…"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Snape stumbled into Vile Love Dorr around seven o'clock, and walked in on everyone eating dinner.

Goyle regally sipped his soup. "Smashing minestrone, eh, old chap?" he asked Voldemort.

"Bloody brilliant," the Dark Lord agreed, using his fork to secure a piece of bread and a knife to cut it. "I say there, chum, couldn't pass me the wine now, could you?" He nodded in Rodolphus's direction.

"Of course!" Ro said. "But first, some for the lady?" he asked his wife.

Bellatrix, who appeared to be wearing a petticoated dress and holding a fan, giggled and blushed. "No, thank you," she said.

Snape resisted the urge to vomit all over his cloak.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?" he shouted.

Everyone stared at him, appalled.

"I say, old bloke, there's no call for language like that!" Blaise said, covering Marissa's ears. "There're _ladies_ at the table!"

"I feel faint!" Narcissa announced. "Severus, what could have caused you to commit such a heinous crime as befouling the mouth?"

"What _happened_?" Snape roared. "Why are you all acting like you're at a dinner party in sixteenth-century London?"

"We've seen the error of our terrible deeds," Wormtail explained. "And Merlin told us he'd forgive us if we corrected our mistake."

Snape broke down sobbing. "Why? WHY!"

Everyone looked around awkwardly.

Snape prayed for a loud and annoying call of "April Fools!"

Except, he reminded himself, it wasn't April.

"Is this like the time when you all dressed up in knickers and a corset for my eighteenth birthday party?" he asked hopefully.

Silence.

He looked up.

Rodolphus was staring at him like he was crazy. "Dude, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You said hell!" Snape gasped.

"Yeah… so?" Lucius asked.

"But-but-but you said there was no call for language like that! I'm so bloody confused!" Snape sobbed.

Lucius cleared his throat nervously. "Draco, you did say you had contacts at the mental ward of Saint Mungos, right?"

"What happened to the fan and the petticoat and the sixteenth century?" Snape wailed.

"I guess seeing that old Snuffleuphagus lady really made him mental, huh?" Ro asked.

"BRING BACK THE MANNERS!" Snape screamed.

"Is he going to be okay?" Marissa asked wearily.

"SAVE ME FROM HELL, MERLIN! SAVE ME NOW!"

Everyone began to slowly back away.

"I DON'T WANT TO TICKLE ELMO!"

From miles away, Avada Cruimperio smiled. Who knew it was such fun to mess with people's minds?

**A/N: Review skit!**

**Lucius: Ahem. I have written a lovely piece of poetry.**

**Draco: No, you haven't.**

**Lucius: Oh, yes I have!**

**Draco: Please. No.**

**Lucius: -clears throat- **

**There was once was a girl named Avada Cruimperio.**

**Nothing really rhymes with Avada Cruimperio**

**But that's okay**

**Because poems don't have to rhyme**

**I think it'd be really cool if this one rhymed, though.**

**I'm not very good at writing rhyming poems.**

**Anyways, so this girl loved to get reviews**

**She loved it more than her shoes- OH MY GOD I TOTALLY JUST MADE IT RHYME!**

**When people reviewed her even if they didn't know her and had never reviewed before**

**It made her like, really, really, really happy. **

**The longer and more descriptive the review, the better**

**But she was happy with even just a positive word.**

**Like 'good'.**

**The moral of this poem-**

**Draco: Is that if you don't review, my father will write more poetry.**

**Lucius: No, stupid. They WANT more poetry. Because "poetry" sounds like "Lucius" and everyone wants more me. Moral: review no matter what. **

**To my fellow Americans: Happy Thanksgiving! Snape hopes you all stuff yourselves on turkey and die, but don't worry, I don't. He's just jealous 'cause I smashed a sweet potato in his face.**


	23. No One Understands Draco Malfoy

**IMPORTANT: I put up another survey on my LiveJournal. Please take it! You'll be making this story funnier and better if you do! And, also, if you do, please put your name somewhere on the survey, so I know whom it's from. If you prefer to remain anonymous, that's fine, but mention that you don't want to reveal your name. Oh, yeah: I'll love you forever if you take it. **

**A/N: Oh my God! Over 400 reviews! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Last chapter got 30 reviews, the most I've ever gotten for one chapter! I love you all so much! Special thanks to Sirius Blaak, who went back and reviewed every chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Nothin's mine. I think that was the shortest A/N I've ever written.**

No-One Understands Draco Malfoy 

Voldemort entered the Malfoy Manor warily. "What the hell is that noise?" he asked suspiciously, peering around a corner as if the person making the loud, anguished sobbing sound was sitting there. "Narcissa pull out a hair while brushing again?"

"Nah," Lucius said, "although that DID happen last week. We had to vacate the premises, she was crying so loud. Draco just went through a bad breakup."

It took all of Voldemort's years of training to be evil and cover up his emotions not to snort derisively at this. "Oh," he said. "Well, is he… okay?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "I don't know. I yelled at him and told him I'd kick his scrawny ass to Jupiter if he didn't stop crying, because Malfoys don't cry, but surprisingly, it didn't seem to console him."

"Odd," Voldemort mused. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. Listen to him, bawling like a baby."

Voldemort listened, and it wasn't difficult to hear sobs of despair echoing through the Manor.

"Oi! Draco! Come down!" Lucius hollered. "Voldemort's over!"

A few minutes later, a gloomy-looking Draco clad in a lavender robe slumped downstairs.

"What's that in your hand?" Voldemort asked.

"This?" Draco asked, holding up a piece of parchment. "It's a poem I wrote. Would you like to hear it?"

"No," Voldemort said.

But Draco had already cleared his throat. "A Poem. By Draco Malfoy."

Voldemort covered his eyes and sighed.

"_Today, I was sad_

_Almost as sad as the time that Moody turned me into a ferret,_

_Because as a ferret I wasn't sexy and that's bad,_

_I hate that Moody bastard_

_I'm going to kill him._

_Except it wasn't really Moody, it was Crouch_

_And Aunt Bella liked Crouch_

_Plus, I can't kill a guy with no soul_

_That's just unethical. _

_But if I could, I'd kill him._

_The end._"

Draco looked up. "Well?"

Voldemort glanced at him. "To be honest, Draco, that stunk."

Draco burst into tears. "No-one appreciates my talent!" he sobbed.

Lucius awkwardly patted his son on the back. "That's not true, Draco. I'm sure what's-his-name appreciates them. What _was_ his name…"

"Who?" Voldemort asked. "The ex-boyfriend? Wasn't it Bob?"

"It was Everett!" Draco howled.

"Easy to get the two mixed up," Voldemort defended.

"Anyways, Draco, I'm sure you'll find another good, er… man… soon," Lucius continued. "What's our motto?"

"Being a Malfoy means being the sexiest beast we can be," Draco repeated dutifully.

"Exactly! Great-great-great-great-great grandpa Abidjan Malfoy didn't make that up for nothing!"

"Dad, Great-great-great-great-great grandpa Abidjan Malfoy got run over by a carriage carrying the love of his life who was screwing his brother when he made that up."

Narcissa came into the room, and fluffed her son's hair. "How's my Drakey-wakey-diddy-dums?" she asked.

"Tip-toppety, Mum," Draco replied gloomily.

She looked at him. "Draco, what's the matter? Did Porpy forget to give you some warm milk last night? You have dark circles under your eyes."

Draco's cheeks turned slightly pink. "Mum!" he hissed. "I _don't drink warm milk_."

Narcissa giggled. "_Of course you don't_!" she whispered loudly, winking at him. "Don't worry Draco! They won't think you're not cool! You're always Number One with me, anyways!"

Draco contemplated throwing himself out the window.

"Oh, I nearly forgot, dear," she said, getting up and walking towards the kitchen. "You'll want to get started on your Christmas list before Santa starts buying gifts! Maybe you can get another Betsy-Wetsy doll like last year! But this time, do remember to clean up her used diapers, honey."

Draco stood up and unconsciously started towards the window.

"Oh, for heavens sake, Draco, get away from the window," Lucius said. "Suicide is not the answer."

Voldemort sniggered. "Maybe you and Betsy-Wetsy can talk it over?"

"I hate you," Draco told his mother. "I'm going over to Goyle's house. At least he understands me!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"… and then, he said that he wanted to see other people! I was stunned, of course. I thought he was going to ask me to meet his parents, for God's sake, and then he just dumped me." Draco blew his nose loudly.

A few drops of saliva fell out of Goyle's open mouth, while he sat, cross-eyed, trying to see his forehead.

"I'm so glad you get me, Greg," Draco said, sniffling. "No-one understands me!" He opened his arms for a hug.

Goyle was now trying to see his chin

"Oh, for Merlin's sake Goyle, you barely speak English. Why I'm talking to you is beyond me," Draco snapped, snatching up his purse and storming out of the Goyle house.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Girls, Draco decided, understood him a lot better than guys. Marissa was being very sympathetic, _un_like some _other_ people.

"That's horrible, Draco!" she said, nodding. "He had no right to hurt you like that."

"I'm glad you see it my way," he said.

"You know, I was talking to Pansy this morning, and she recommended this great self-help book to me-"

"Pansy?" Draco asked. "Pansy Parkinson? You're in contact with Pansy Parkinson?"

"Yeah," Marissa said, giving him a quizzical look. "Why?"

"Because that-that-that _scarlet woman_ was the one who introduced me to Everett! I'm going to kill her! And you!"

"Why me?" she asked, but he had already Disapparated.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Mmm," he heard someone say, "Ooh, yes."

Draco threw open the door to Pansy's study- and was _very _unprepared for what he saw.

Pansy spun around and stared at him. "Draco! What are you doing here!" she asked, straightening her blouse and fixing the hem of her skirt.

"I don't believe you!" he howled.

The man next to her wiped lipstick off of his face and zipped up his jeans. "Er... um…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Draco snarled. "When you said it was a bigger problem than me- I had no idea- never would have guessed-"

"I can explain," Everett said, nervously putting his shirt on.

"You dumped me! I was inconsolable! And then you went and- and snogged Pansy! Is that right?"

"Pretty much, yeah," said Everett, who had apparently recovered from his initial shock.

"And you! Pansy! I've known you for seventeen years! And you kissed my _gay_ ex-boyfriend!"

"That's not true, Draco!" Pansy yelled.

"Not true? I caught you!"

"No, I mean about him being gay. I'd never snog a gay guy. He's straight."

Draco blinked back tears. "I- I have to go." He ran out of the room and apparated back to Marissa's.

"Well?" she said. "Did you kill Pansy?"

"No," he mumbled.

"Let me guess. You walked in on her snogging Everett."

Draco looked up in amazement. "How did you know? Are you a Seer? Can you predict my future? Will I get married? How many kids will I have?"

"Draco, I'm not a Seer."

"Then how did you know that Pansy was with Everett? Are you magic?"

"No, Draco, I'm a Muggle," she said sarcastically.

"Really?" he asked. "I've never met a Muggle before! Well, I had a Muggle turtle once. His name was Alfred. Are all Muggles named Alfred?"

"God, Draco, I was joking. No, I know because Pansy's my friend."

"Do you have psychic friend vision?" Draco asked excitedly.

"No. She told me that she was seeing him."

Draco's face crumpled. "When?"

"Three months ago."

Draco burst into tears and collapsed on her floor.

"No wonder he didn't want to date you, wuss," Marissa muttered.

"What?" Draco asked tearfully.

"Nothing. Draco, why don't you go home?"

"Why?"

"Because no-one in their right mind wants to see you longer than they have to."

"That h-hurts my feelings," Draco said, on the verge of a breakdown.

"Oh, deal," she said.

"Fine." Draco angrily Apparated back home and began to write more angsty poetry.

_I hate everyone._

_Die, die, die._

_No-one understands me._

_I'm misunderstood._

_Die, die._

_People think I'm weird._

_I'm just different._

_And superior._

_Die._

Draco showed his poem to his father. "Isn't it good?"

Lucius stared at it. "And you said _my_ poetry was crap. Draco, that's the most dreadful thing ever written, including your first-year essay on why Hogwarts should add another class, called 'Draco Appreciation'"

"I got a ten on that!" Draco said defensively.

"Out of a hundred!"

"I HATE YOU!" Draco screamed. "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! THEY ALL THINK I'M FREAKY, BUT I'M REALLY JUST BETTER THAN THEM! NOBODY GETS ME! ANGST! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME! ANGST!"

Lucius slowly backed away.

"ANGST!" Draco yelled a final time, and stormed up to his room.

"When did he learn to speak German?" Lucius asked, frowning at the stairs.

**A/N: First person to tell me in their review what Lucius meant by his last line gets a special mention in an upcoming chapter!**

**Don't we all feel bad for Draco? Let's review and make him feel better!**

**Draco: … so I was like, "Oh my gosh! You're cheating on her with Betty?" and he was like, OMG, no! And I was all, "Oh, my God."**

**Lucius: No way! Oh em gee!**

**Draco: Like, yeah!**

**Avada Cruimperio: Like, oh my gosh, what are we talking about?**

**Draco::scowls: You just want me to convince those-those _readers_ to review, don't you?**

**Avada: Yeah. How'd you know?**

**Draco: We're talking in script format.**

**Lucius: Ah. **

**Avada: Well?**

**Draco: Well what?**

**Avada: Convince them to review!**

**Draco: No way.**

**Avada::holds up picture of Draco as a baby, wearing a pink frilly dress and playing with a doll:**

**Blaise: That explains _so much_.**

**Draco: Shut up! That was my - uh… sister! Dracolina!**

**Avada: Dracolina.**

**Draco: Yes.**

**Lucius: Huh? Draco, you don't have a sister.**

**Draco: Shut up! Fine. Please review. It makes everyone happy, and you get a nice review response back, too. **

**Avada: READ VOLDEMORT AND HIS FAITHFUL DEATH EATERS'S LARKS by ECCENTRIC BANSHEE!**

**:end blatant advertising for friend's Death Eater fic:**

**Draco: Bitch! You threw me off topic! Review!**


	24. A Very Merry Death Eater Christmas

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I hope this makes up for it! Happy holidays, everyone! And if you're not celebrating anything then… happy winter (or summer)!**

**Also: My wonderful beta, ciararocks, has a The OC/HP crossover fic. It's really good! Check out _Chrismukkah at Hogwarts_!**

**IMPORTANT: I have a new story up! It's called _Bah, Hippogriff!_ and it's my version of _A Christmas Carol_, Harry Potter style. It's got comedy and drama and I think it's one of my best serious works ever. I'd love it if you all check it out! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanzaa/Happy New Year!**

A Very Merry Death Eater Christmas...Er, Holiday

Voldemort strode into the living room and surveyed the scene. "Hang that banner up higher, Goyle," he instructed. "Crabbe, your 'Merry Christmas' sign is upside-down."

He sighed. He loathed today - December 24th. Naturally, no one had remembered to decorate for the Christmas party until the day before the event, so he was stuck setting up with Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. And he _still_ hadn't gotten gifts for anyone, but it wasn't that hard to pick things out - a bow for Lucius, an axe for Macnair, new waterproof jeans for Peter, and maybe some blood for Snape.

"This is stupid," Snape remarked, walking through the door and sneering at the mistletoe over his head, "Isn't Christmas supposed to be about doing good for others and joining hand-in-hand with your neighbors and singing? Can you see any of us singing?"

"Or doing good, for that matter," Voldemort replied. "Goyle! 'Holidays' is spelt H-O-L-I-D-A-Y-S, not W-H-O-L-L-I-D-A-I-Z."

"But doesn't W-H make an H sound?" asked a confused Goyle.

"Only if you're a whore," replied Voldemort

Snape glanced at the walls and blanched at the sight of so much color.

"And I thought it was bad when he painted the halls magenta," he muttered. "Voldemort, we're evil. Why the hell do you keep using festive shades?"

"Because they're pretty," Draco answered for him.

"You know," Voldemort said conversationally, "my birthday's next week."

Everyone froze.

"It is?" asked Rodolphus.

"And are you… expecting gifts?" asked Snape.

"Or a party?" inquired Draco.

"Or a cake?" added Lucius, who looked extremely excited at the prospect of baking.

"All that and more," Voldemort said, stringing some tinsel up on the collapsible Christmas tree.

Everyone stared at each other.

"I have to go-"

"Must leave-"

"The wife wants me home-"

"Have to buy your presents-"

Everyone glared at Wormtail.

"I mean, have to buy Christmas presents," he corrected.

Snape gave a satisfied nod and they all rushed out of the room.

They huddled in the kitchen.

"Okay," Snape directed, "Draco, you go out and buy one big present from all of us and some candy. Have it gift-wrapped at the store, because if you do it yourself, Voldemort will open a present covered in old pages of _Teen People_."

Draco scowled but left.

"Lucius, you go and buy big signs that say "Happy Birthday" and some black crepe paper."

Lucius nodded and Disapparated.

"Ro, you and Bella can go back into the room and pretend like nothing's wrong. I'm going to go get cake," Snape finished.

"But what about me?" Peter whined. "I want to do something!"

"Fine, Peter, you can get the cake. But I'm warning you now - if it's got Barbie, Elmo, or Kermit on it, you're dead."

Peter scurried off.

Snape and the Lestranges walked back into the living room.

"Hi!" said Rodolphus. "We didn't forget your birthday!"

Voldemort eyed them oddly, but said nothing.

"So, how's the decorating going?" Ro asked. "Must be tough for a guy your age - say, how old are you turning?"

"I'll be seventy-two in a week," Voldemort said.

"Great!" Rodolphus said. "Psst! Bellatrix!" he whispered loudly. "Go find Peter and tell him to put 72 on the cake!"

"What was that?" Voldemort asked.

"Um… I said, go find a liter and… smell it to put levenedy-poo on my cake…"

Voldemort inched slowly away from Ro.

Bellatrix stared at her husband with a look of disgust on her face.

"Thank Merlin you two don't have any offspring," Snape muttered.

"Yeah, Rodolphus," Voldemort said. "Why don't you and Bella have any kids?"

"Because the stork didn't give us any, duh!" Rodolphus said.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Merry Christmas!" Voldemort said to Rodolphus as he walked in the door to the Christmas party.

"Happy Hanukkah," Rodolphus said.

"I'm not Jewish," said Voldemort, frowning.

"Well, I am," said Rodolphus.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Lestrange isn't a very Jewish name."

"It was on my mother's side. Goldstein."

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Happy Hanukkah, then. Happy?"

"Yes," Rodolphus said.

After everyone had arrived, Snape cleared his throat. "Attention, please!"

Everyone looked his way.

"Today, we have a special surprise. In addition to it being Christmas, next week it's our dear Dark Lord's birthday. Happy birthday, Voldemort!"

Someone turned off the lights as Peter walked into the room, carrying a cake with what seemed to be hundreds of lit candles on it.

"Happy birthday to you!" Draco began to sing, and everybody joined in.

"Make a wish, and blow the candles out!" Narcissa squealed.

Voldemort closed his eyes and blew.

"Er… keep going," Snape said.

Voldemort huffed and puffed at the cake for about five minutes until all the candles went out.

Voldemort looked at the cake as the lights went back on. "Happy Anniversary, George and Marla?" he read.

"It was the only one left," Peter said sheepishly.

Snape glared at him. "Open your present, Voldemort!" he said.

Voldemort threw off the wrapping paper of a large box. "Wow!" he said, holding up his gift. "A new… pair of earmuffs…"

"This is the part where you say how much you love them," Lucius whispered.

"WHAT DIPSHIT GOT ME EARMUFFS?" Voldemort roared.

Everyone pointed at Draco.

"CRUCIO!"

Draco ducked, and the curse hit a mirror and shattered it into a million pieces.

"Tsk, tsk," clucked Lucius. "Bad luck for seven years, Voldy!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

A half-hour later, after Lucius had regained consciousness, everyone else began to open their presents.

Macnair lovingly caressed his new machete.

Draco pulled on his new pink sweater. "I love it! Did you knit it yourself, Snape?"

Snape was busy staring at his gift. "Voldemort, did you buy me _blood_?"

"It's… uh… red wine."

"I will have you know," Snape said, fuming, "that J.K. Rowling specifically stated on her website that I am _not_ a vampire. Yes, I may be pale, but is it my fault that I have sensitive skin and can't go out tanning?"

Everyone shuddered at the mental picture of Snape in a bathing suit.

"I'm bored," said Lucius.

"Let's get drunk," suggested Rodolphus.

"No can do, we already did that back in Chapter Eight," Bellatrix reminded them.

"Oh yeah… hey, Draco, I bet I can chug more eggnog than you can!" Ro challenged.

"No!" Voldemort intervened. "Does anyone else remember The Great Eggnog Debacle of '79? I spent six _weeks_ cleaning it all out of the carpet!"

"Fine," Rodolphus muttered. "Well, I say we gift-wrap Peter to the tree again! Who's in?"

"No!" Peter squeaked, and ran out of the room, changing into his rat from as he left, leaving only a pile of clothes behind.

"Ew," said Lucius. "Am I the only one that realizes he'll be naked when he changes back?"

**A/N: Happy holidays! Here's a little review skit to remind you to review. Just a note: after this chapter, the review skits will be randomly inserted, not in every single one, unless like EVERYONE protests and says I must put them in every chapter.**

**Snape: It's not bloody fair! In every Harry Potter story you write, I'm always in it! And you make me do the most ridiculous things! I was Glinda, the Good Witch; a freaky lady pursued me on rainbows; and NOW I'm Scrooge in your version of A Christmas Carol?**

**Avada Cruimperio: Yes, yes, but in _Bah, Hippogriff!_ you get to be bitchy and hateful.**

**Snape: Really?**

**Avada: Yes.**

**Snape: No slash? No Harry's father? I'm not secretly working for the Order after all?**

**Avada: You got it. **

**Snape: THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!**

**Avada: Hey, you know what would be the best holiday gift I could get? If everyone reading this right now reviewed. Thanks a million, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! **


	25. Lucius Malfoy Has Rabies

**A/N: Wow! I'm 20 reviews away from 500! I'll probably cry when I hit that landmark, mind you. 500 reviews in 25 chapters… -sighs wistfully-**

**Again, I am so sorry about the wait! I swear it won't be that long again, and to compensate today or tomorrow I'll be posting a mini-chapter on my LiveJournal (link is in my profile). It won't be here on the site though, so go to my LiveJournal to read it!**

**This chapter features a cameo appearance from I am a Banana, because she won my "What does 'angst' have to do with German" competition. She was right in saying that "angst" (a word often used describing certain fanfiction stories and Harry in OotP) is German for anger. See, you learned something new today!**

**ALSO: I put up a fun new one-shot called Committing Sue-cide. It's a funny parody. Check it out! Andfor those of you who read Bah, Hippogriff, don't worry, a new chater will be out soon.**

Lucius Malfoy Has Rabies

The Death Eaters sat down to their lovely annual New Year picnic in Australia.

"I hate how she words things," grumbled Snape. "'Lovely annual picnic' - makes us all sound like Draco…"

Draco sent Snape a sneer to rival the potion master's own.

Snape threw back a look that made Peter nearly wet his new waterproof jeans.

Voldemort reached inside the picnic basket for a piece of cake. "Damn! We're out! I'm just going to apparate over to the nearest grocery store to steal some more. I'll be back soon."

"Get chocolate," Rodolphus advised. "Last time you got a fruitcake. Ew." He shuddered at the recollection.

Lucius was busy staring at a small, furry animal. "Dude, what _is_ this?" he asked no one in particular.

Bellatrix looked up at her brother-in-law and smirked, prodding her husband in the side. "Look," she muttered.

Lucius reached out to pet the creature.

"Don't touch it!" Rodolphus shouted. "It might have-"

The mammal bit down, hard, on Lucius's hand. "Ow!" he shrieked, and suddenly shook in convulsions. He rolled around on the ground, screaming in some unintelligible language. He grabbed at his hair and pulled at his clothes. He went onto all fours, his once long, beautiful hair now beating Harry Potter's for most uncontrollable 'do in the Wizarding world, and clad in only a loincloth.

"-rabies," Rodolphus finished, sighing.

Lucius growled at them.

"What the bloody hell is rabies?" Draco asked.

"It's some Muggle disease that we can cure in about a minute," Snape explained.

They heard a choking sound coming from their right, and they all turned, expecting Lucius to be strangling a cat or something, but it was Bellatrix, rolling on the ground in laughter, tears of mirth rolling down her face.

"What _is_ it?" Snape snapped.

"That- that's not a Muggle disease," she cackled, attempting to sit up.

"What is it, then?" Rodolphus asked.

"It's _wizard_ rabies!" she shrieked joyfully.

Snape and Rodolphus exchanged horrified glances.

"I thought you said we could cure it in like, fifteen seconds," Draco said.

"That was Muggle rabies," Snape said. "Not wizard rabies."

"So?"

"So, there's been over two hundred recorded cases of wizard rabies, and of them, only one person has been cured, and it was over seven hundred years ago. And it was only cured by a random flock of butterflies giving birth on the man's head," Snape explained.

"So, Dad's going to be like this forever?" Draco asked, dismayed.

"It's possible," Snape said.

"Isn't it _too_ great?" Bellatrix asked.

Voldemort apparated back. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Lucius has rabies," Snape said shortly.

"Oh," Voldemort said. "I guess this is a bad time to tell you they're out of cake." He held up a package. "I hope you all like fruitcake."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Well," said the Healer, Banana, peering at Lucius, "there is definitely something wrong with him."

"No, really?" said Snape sardonically. "If we wanted an overview of Lucius's mental state, we could have done that ourselves."

Banana scowled at them. "Fine. If you don't want the cure for wizard rabies, which just so happens to be in my pocket, then go ahead and leave."

"No, no, we're – wait, what?" asked Rodolphus. "There _is_ no cure!"

"I've been working on it since I was three," Banana said, eyes gleaming. She reached inside her coat and drew out a small flask that was holding a purple liquid. "You're looking at the Rabies Remedy – the _only_ medicine in the entire history of the world that can cure wizard rabies. I've got some on my desk, too, but that's it."

Peter frowned as he noticedsomethingthat was bothering him."Miss Healer-Banana, you've got some food in your hair." He turned to reach over and brush it off.

"No!" cried Banana. "Don't touch me!" She instinctively jumped back as Peter reached for her, and his hand missed her head.

It hit the potion.

Banana groaned as the remedy hit the floor and shattered. "I've got some more on my desk," she said wearily. "Let me fill up another flask."

"I'm so sorry!" cried Wormtail. "Let me help!" He bounded over to the cauldron.

"No!" cried Banana.

"What?" he said, turning to face her. His shoulder swiped the side of her desk, and everything on it fell down to the floor with a spectacular thud.

"NO!" screamed Banana. "My life's work! Gone!" She fell to her knees and began to sob.

"Um, how long would it take to make a new potion?" Draco asked nervously, as his father attempted to eat his shirt.

"Eighteen years," she wept. "You!" She glared at Peter. "You! You destroyed it! I'll – I'll kill you!" She drew out her wand. "_Avada_-"

"Time to go!" Snape said quickly, and they all Disapparated.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Well, what now?" asked Rodolphus, as Lucius wrestled with an old refrigerator box on the floor, tore it to shreds, and began to bark.

"It's going to be awfully hard to have arabid Lucius for eighteen years without Narcissa noticing," Peter pointed out unnecessarily.

"We could try talking to him," Snape suggested. "Maybe our voices will come through to him and he'll cure himself."

"I'll do it!" Bellatrix said immediately.

Draco was not sosure this was a good idea.

For the second time in his life, he was right.

Bellatrix bent down and began whispering in her brother-in-law's ear, struggling to keep the smirk off of her face as she did so.

She straightened up a few seconds laterand made some excuse about using the bathroom as she dashed out of the room, unsuccessfully containing her laughter.

Lucius dragged himself on all fours over to Voldemort, where he stood up and leaned in close to the Dark Lord's face.

"Lucius," Voldemort said slowly and clearly. "It is I –"

Draco sniggered.

Voldemort threw him one of his famous shut-up-or-I'll-Avada-Kedavra-your-arse looks and continued. "It is I, Lord Voldemort. Do you, Lucius Malfoy, not recognize and comprehend the most glorious face of your master?"

"Kind of hard to forget his look, isn't it?" whispered Rodolphus. "Most other people in the world have noses."

Lucius's expressions changed from that of mental retardation to a semi-human appearance. He opened his mouth to respond – Draco squealed in delight – Lucius leaned in closer –

And began to lick Lord Voldemort's face.

"Ewww!" screamed the Dark Lord in an extremely feminine manner. "Draco, get your bloody mutt of a father off me before I chop off his head with a kitchen knife!"

Draco hurriedly pulled Lucius off of him.

"I need to go wash my face," Voldemort announced. "When I come back downstairs, in –" he checked his watch "a half-hour, Lucius better either be normal, or dead." He strutted out of the room in a highly dignified manner for someone with Lucius Slobber all over his nose.

Bellatrix came back in, still chuckling. "Merlin, I laughed so hard I think I bruised a rib or something."

"So… what are we going to do?" asked Draco.

"Kill Lucius?" suggested Bellatrix.

"No!" cried Draco.

"Have any better ideas?" Bellatrix smirked, raising an aristocratic eyebrow in such a manner that Draco was slightly jealous of her ability.

"Um… maybe…" Draco mumbled, staring at his trainers.

Rodolphus snapped his fingers. "I've got it! We go into the future, grab a Rabies Remedy, and bring it back with us!"

"And how are you planning on getting into the future?" Draco asked.

Rodolphus shrugged. "I'll steal a Time Turner."

"Is it really necessary to remind you that Potter and his friends smashed the Ministry's entire stock of Time Turners three years ago?" Snape asked. "Were you not captured and hauled to Azkaban after the incident?"

Rodolphus flushed red. "That – that's irrelevant to the situation," he muttered.

Everyone sat in silence, thinking, for about fifteen minutes, until Draco jumped up, cried "Eureka!", and danced a jig around the couch.

"What is it?" asked Wormtail.

"Okay, so you know how in like, stuff, two negatives make a positive?"

Everyone stared blankly.

"Why not make that thing that gave Dad rabies bite him _again_?" Dracofinished triumphantly.

"Well, if you want a dead father, go ahead," said Rodolphus. "You think that hasn't been tried before? Germany, 1252, Hans Glofenheimer, bitten by a half-Knarl, half-raccoon, got bit by it again, died in fifty-two seconds."

"Oh," Draco replied sheepishly. "Er, never mind."

Bellatrix was now laughing so hard everyone thought she was having a seizure.

"This is too pathetic!" she sobbed. "Didn't any of you pay attention in seventh year Care Of Magical Creatures?"

"Who takes Care Of Magical Creatures?" Rodolphus asked.

"_I_ did," replied Bellatrix haughtily. "I've trained dark creatures, everything from dragons to giants. _I_'_ve_ assisted us the most with setting Muggle villages on fire or getting them trampled."

"Get to the point, Bella, before I Avada you," warned her husband.

"I can't believe I'm about to tell you this," she muttered. "This is only out of my love for Narcissa, understand? I don't want her to get stuck in Saint Mungo's because of the stupidity of her husband."

Everyone nodded.

She sighed. "In seventh year Care Of Magical Creatures, you learn the spell used to counter wizard rabies. It's quite simple, actually."

"But-but-but!" spluttered Draco. "That-that Banana chick, she-she said there's no cure!"

"She said she had the only _medicine_. And Snape thought there was no cure because this spell's never been recorded," Bellatrix explained.

"Well, why the bloody hell not?" demanded Snape.

"Because approximately one-half of the time it's used, the person who the spell is cast upon irreversibly combusts," Bellatrix clarified. "Oh, I do hope that happens. Seeing Lucius on fire, with no way to put it out would completely make up for the guilt I'm feeling for having told you all this."

"Just tell us the bloody spell," Draco said angrily. "And if he lights on fire, then I'm going to kill you. Slowly. Painfully. You will hate it."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Fine." She pointed her wand at Lucius. "_Pouletius_."

Lucius turned into a giant chicken.

"Oh. Crap. Sorry about that." Bellatrix didn't sound very sorry at all. "It's reversible." Her tone added what had gone unspoken – _unfortunately._

She waved her wand and muttered something, and Lucius was again a rabid human. She closed her eyes, spun around in a circle seven times, jabbed her wand between Lucius's eyes, and screeched, "_Rouletius!_"

Lucius straightened up, and looked around. "What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked. "Last thing I remember is petting a furry skateboard."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Dad, please go fix your hair."

Lucius looked in the mirror and fainted.

"Is he dead?" Bellatrix asked eagerly.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"No, he's not dead, dear. He's alive and back to normal," Rodolphus told his wife.

Bellatrix suddenly grinned again. "Normal, you say? Oh dear, did I forget to mention the side effects…"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"I WANT A PET RACCOON AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW! GET ME A RACCOON OR ELSE!" Lucius screamed at Narcissa.

"Or else what?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips defiantly.

Lucius dropped onto his hands and knees and ran around Narcissa, snappingand biting ather ankles.

"AHH!" Narcissa screamed. "BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, I WILL KILL YOU!"

Bellatrix smirked. "I love my life."

**Review skit! Back to stay by much popular demand!**

**How Harry Defeated Voldemort**

**Hermione: Ugh, I can't believe we're cleaning out your attic, Ronald! Why do you have twenty-four ruffled dresses up here?**

**Ron: Uh…**

**Hermione: Never mind. I'll just transfigure this mouse in the corner into a wardrobe. _Drobidium!_**

**Harry: -evil grin-**

**XoX**

**Voldemort -working at his desk-**

**Harry: -rushes in-**

**Voldemort: Potter! What are you doing here?**

**Harry: _Drobidium!_**

**Voldemort, The Wardrobe: Well. This sucks.**

**Harry: I KEEL YOU! -raises ax, cuts Voldy, The Wardrobe in half-**

**Voldemort, The Dead Wardrobe: Things can't get much worse.**

**Harry: -sets Voldy on fire-**

**Voldemort, The Dead, Flaming Wardrobe: Well, at least there's nothing else he could do to me!**

**Lucius: -walks in and begins to model his new line of women's lingerie-**

**Voldemort, The Dead, Flaming, Nauseous Wardrobe: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!**

**Harry: Draco! Just the person I was looking for. Say, do you mind holding this years Death Eater ballet right here, right now?**

**Draco: Sure! Just let me get my tutu….**

**Voldemort, The Guy With Too Many Names: Is this some sinister plot to get me to make people review?**

**Harry: Actually, no, but if you want to, go ahead. **

**Voldemort: Oh, that's okay.**

**Harry: Shall I continue?**

**Voldemort: If you must.**

**Harry: All right. Hagrid, bring out the Blast-Ended Skewrts**

**And so it begins...**


	26. The Death Eaters Play Dodgeball

**A/N: First off, I've gotten over fifty reviews since I posted the last chapter! Holy crap, guys, you are amazing and I love you all. Special mucho shout-outs to Yamiko Number for going back and reviewing EVERY CHAPTER and Siriusly Funny for reviewing nearly every chapter in one go. You all are spec-freakin-tacular.**

**Second, don't forget I posted a bonus chapter ONLY in my LiveJournal. My link is in my profile, or you can go to it here: (take out the spaces): www . avadacruimperio. livejournal. com. And also, remember that I've got another great story out called _Bah, Hippogriff_, starring our favorite Potions Master (and it's not Slughorn).**

**By the way, in real life, Paroxysmal Lupine is my bestest friend, Allie.**

**Disclaimer: Dudes, dudes… I'm not a successful writer with three children and millions of dollars. -sighs wistfully and stares out nonexistent window in basement-**

The Death Eaters Play Dodgeball

Snape sighed. "I _really_ wish I wasn't doing this right now."

Lucius grimaced. "We're going to get our arses whooped _again_," he said.

Draco neatly stepped out of his jeans, folded them, and placed them delicately in his gym locker. "Have some confidence, guys," he said. "We'll _never_ win with that attitude."

Voldemort slammed his locker door shut. "Come on. Let's go."

Peter scurried into his workout uniform and scampered to the back of the crowd leaving the locker room.

Narcissa and Bellatrix joined the others as the Death Eaters grouped into a huddle.

"Okay," Voldemort said. "As captain of your team, I suppose I should give advice to you. Unfortunately, I am not the best at athletics. But I am incredible at planning tactics. So here's what we're going to do…"

_Across the gym…_

The females on the opposing team strode out to meet the males against the north side of the gym. Their captain immediately began whispering instructions to them, glancing every now and then at Voldemort and scowling.

Ludo Bagman cleared his throat. "Merlin, it's been too long since I last did this. _Sonorus!_"

His voice immediately magnified and the roaring crowd silenced except for the wave of a banner in the air-conditioned breeze.

"Hello!" Bagman cried. "And welcome to this year's annual DODGEBALL GAME!"

The spectators went wild, screaming, cheering, and clapping, until Bagman coughed again.

"For the Order of the Phoenix, I give to you: _Hagrid! McGonagall! Moody! Jones! Lupin! Tonks! Shacklebolt! Weasley! Granger! _Annnnd…._ POTTER!"_

Half the crowd stood up, screaming at the top of their lungs and waving posters. Snape caught sight of what seemed to be Potter's face blinking down from the stands several hundred times, and thought he heard a few women -and two men- yelling, "MARRY ME, HARRY!"

"Draco!" Snape hissed, snatching him back from the cheering Potter admirers. "Get back here! And stop proposing to the Boy-Who-Lived-For-Too-Long!"

"And now," Bagman continued, "for the Death Eaters, I give you: _Macnair! Snape! Lestrange! Lestrange! Pettigrew! Malfoy! Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal-_er,_ Zabini!_ And the all-powerful, all incredible, all FANTASTIC…._ HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED_!"

"How come _I_ didn't get that?" Potter muttered to Weasley as ten bouquets of black roses landed at the Dark Lord's feet.

"Bet you he threatened to kill him, mate," Weasley said sympathetically, while a woman threw herself at Draco's feet. "Doesn't he swing the other way?"

"And we have a special surprise for you today!" Bagman continued.

"Veela?" Weasley asked excitedly.

"_Cheerleaders_!" Bagman screamed. "For the Order, please welcome- PAROXYSMAL LUPINE!"

A dark haired, Greek-looking girl rushed into the gym, wearing azure and silver robes and carrying pom-poms. "A WOO HOO!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"And for the Death Eaters-"

"Please not her, please not her," Snape prayed.

"-AVADA CRUIMPERIO!"

"Damn," Snape muttered.

Avada ran into the gym, wearing black robes and clutching blood red pom-poms, her hair tied up in a ponytail with a ribbon.

"BE AGGRESSIVE! BE-BE AGGRESSIVE! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!" Avada yelled, swishing her pom-poms.

"Thank you, girls! Now, each team will retreat to their sides, _behind the black taped line_," Bagman added warningly as Rodolphus put a foot out.

Bagman swished his wand and fifteen balls appeared on the line separating the court in half. "When I blow my whistle, it will begin! You know the rules - if you're hit, you're out. You catch the ball - whoever threw it is out. No magic allowed." Bagman frowned. "I think that's it-"

"HEAD SAFETY!" Weasley bellowed.

"Oh, yes, very well then. If the ball hits you above the shoulders, the thrower is out. Are we clear, then? Yes? All right. On my whistle. Three… two… ONE!"

_Phweet!_

Peter, of course, was the first out. The second the whistle blew, Remus Lupin sprinted to the middle line, picked up a ball, and hurled it at the Animagus, screaming, "THAT WAS FOR LILY AND JAMES!"

Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up in his fury that he failed to notice Snape discreetly throwing a ball at him. It hit him smack in the stomach.

"Oh!" cried Bagman. "Lupin and Pettigrew are the first out! Nice try boys, head off to the side now…"

Ron Weasley was chucking any ball that came his way directly at Draco, who immediately whimpered and stepped quickly to the side to avoid the balls zooming past him. He tentatively reached down to grab one lying on the ground, when another of Weasley's crashed straight into his arse.

"No fair!" Draco whined.

Fourteen balls collided in his face at precisely the same time.

Draco huffed and strode daintily off to the side.

Every attack thrown at Hagrid seemed to bounce off of a sort of force field around him.

"That's not fair!" shrieked Lucius. "None'll hit the fat oaf!"

Bagman, who apparently was refereeing as well, gave a short blast on his whistle. "Penalty to the Death Eaters!" he yelled.

"YES!" Avada cried, waving her pom-poms and flicking her hair.

"WHAT!" roared half of the audience.

"Well, entering Hagrid, who so obviously would automatically win, is cheating. So… penalty to the Death Eaters and Hagrid, you're out. Sorry, old bloke." Bagman clarified.

Bellatrix grabbed a ball and pitched it at Hermione Granger, who barely had time to bat an eyelash before it crashed into her leg.

"TOUCHDOWN!" roared Avada.

"And Granger's out! The game resumes!" cried Bagman.

Macnair lobbed one at Shacklebolt, who caught it with ease. Macnair stormed off to the side as Kingsley threw it back at Rodolphus, who attempted to catch it, but dropped the ball.

"Another one bites the dust! The Death Eaters have got five players left and the Order has seven!"

Paroxysmal stuck her tongue out at her co-cheerleader. "We're winning!"

Avada mumbled a few choice words and "accidentally" hit her friend with her pom-poms.

Snape looked across the gym to lock eyes with none other than Minerva McGonagall, one of his former bosses. He sneered.

She attempted to sneer.

He laughed.

She glared sternly.

He chortled.

She got hit in the belly by a ball thrown by him.

She gave him her most ferocious "you-have-detention" stares as she walked off to sit on a bench next to Hagrid. She instantly recoiled upon taking a seat, waving a hand in front of her nose.

Snape snorted. Hadn't that ogre ever heard of deodorant?

_Haven't you ever heard of shampoo_? asked the annoying voice in the back of his head that reminded him of James Potter.

He scowled, and began to reply to himself when – WHAM - something smacked him in the face.

"HEAD SAFETY!" roared the black-wearing half of the crowd and Avada.

"Yes!" agreed Bagman. "McGonagall is out and Snape is in!"

Hestia Jones began storming up to the commentator/referee box to protest when a shot from Narcissa smacked her in the collarbone.

"Head safety!" she cried.

"Idiot, your collarbone isn't your head," Narcissa snarled.

Bagman nodded. "She's right. You were out of bounds anyways, though."

Hestia sniffed and sat down.

"It's five to five now!" Bagman cheered loudly.

Avada smirked at Paroxysmal. "See? We're TIED!"

Paroxysmal got to her feet and began cheering.

"Gimme an O!"

The crowd fell silent.

Bagman coughed loudly. "Well, it seems that Snape is faring quite well in this game - I say, what's this?"

Snape's body teetered on its feet and fell to the ground with a thunk. A mediwitch hurried over.

"Head injuries," she said at once. " Delayed reaction. Probably from McGonagall's ball to the face."

She magicked him onto a stretcher and he floated off of the court, a snarky expression on his face.

Blaise picked up two balls and threw them at Weasley, who ducked the first but not the second.

"And Weasley's GONE!" screamed Bagman.

"GOAAAL!" shrieked Avada.

Bagman stared at her. "GOAL?"

"What?" she asked.

He shook his head. "…never mind."

Mad-Eye Moody, who after the Hagrid incident, had removed his magical eye, was now half-blindly tossing balls at anyone. Usually, he hit a spectator, and on one unfortunately event, Avada, who had yelled at him for fifteen minutes straight before allowing him to continue with his game.

His ears still ringing with the author's threats, he let a ball fly and to his immense surprise, hit Lucius.

"I KNEW I'D GET YOU!" he growled. "You dirty, stinkin'-wait. Who'd I hit?"

"And Lucius Malfoy is gone!" Bagman commented.

"Oh. Right. I KNEW I'D GET YOU, YOU DIRTY, STINKIN' DEATH EATER!" Moody continued

"Oh, do shut up, Moody," Tonks said, her hair deep blue for the occasion. "Honestly, your obsession is a little - OUCH! AUNT NARCISSA! YOU _BITCH!_"

Narcissa smirked. "Sorry, dear."

Tonks huffed and stormed to the bench, carefully avoiding Hagrid, who now was attempting to take off his shirt.

The sisters, Bellatrix and Narcissa, stood next to each other, whispering and smirking in Moody's direction, not noticing, until Bagman blew his whistle, that a shot from Kingsley had hit both of them at the same time.

Blaise knew it was up to him. He took a deep breath, and threw a ball at the impaired Moody when he was looking away, easily getting the old ex-Auror out.

But Kingsley would prove difficult.

It was actually rather amazing what happened. Kingsley and Blaise both picked up a ball and threw it at each other at the same time.

And at the same time, it bounced off each other's head.

"Out - and OUT!" cried Bagman. "Now, we've got the real competition…"

Harry James Potter and Lord Voldemort stepped into the center of their respective side of the gym.

"It's showtime," muttered Potter.

"You're on, scum," retorted Voldemort.

"Yeah, right."

"Scared, Potter?"

"You wish."

Voldemort made the first attempt, and it failed dismally. His throw ricocheted off the wall and out the window.

"Ouch," muttered Avada.

Paroxysmal grinned gleefully.

Harry sighed and grabbed a ball.

Voldemort prepared to defend himself.

Harry tossed it.

It seemed to travel across the gym in slow motion, rising, descending, and then - hitting its mark.

The ball sank into Voldemort right below his waist.

He sunk to his knees in pain and screamed in agony while the Order supporters jumped up and cheered. Paroxysmal held her hand out and Avada miserably dumped five Galleons into it. The Order rushed onto the gym floor, lifting Harry, The-Boy-Who-Hit-Voldy-In-The-Balls onto their shoulders and dancing around.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!" screamed Voldy.

"You know what's odd?" Lucius whispered. "Last week, he told me he didn't have anything down there, if you get what I'm saying."

"That _is_ weird," Rodolphus agreed.

They shrugged.

Voldemort sobbed.

Avada screamed.

The Order cheered.

And fifteen goblins chased Ludo Bagman out of the gym and into the Sahara Desert.

**REVIEW SKIT!**

**No… wait… review SONG!**

_**To the tune of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.**_

**Draco: If you wanna be Avada's favorite,**

**Lucius: You gotta do something nice!**

**Draco: Reviews last forever!**

**Lucius: They last longer than ri-ice!**

**Draco: If you wanna be Avada's favorite, **

**Lucius: You have got to review**

**Draco: It doesn't take that long!**

**Lucius: I don't know what rhymes with review! **

**Draco: Slam your praise down and write it all around!**

**Lucius: Slam your praise down and write it all around!**

**Draco: Slam your praise down a zig-zag, "Ahhhh."**

**Avada: That didn't even go in _order_. That didn't even rhyme!**

**Lucius: You know what rhymes? Marissa… and _cheese_.**

**Avada:…**

**Lucius: Review!**


	27. Rodolphus Lestrange Is Whipped

**A/N: Oh, my God! I am so terribly sorry about the wait! In the last month, I've been extremely busy: I went on vacation, I've had a ton of homework, I tried out for the school play, and a while ago my grandpa had to be rushed to the hospital, and he's still there. I got sick a few days ago, and then I went on vacation. But now, I'm back! Again, many apologies. I feel terrible! If I don't get around to last or this chapter's review responses for a while, please don't take it personally.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. 'Nuff said. I got the inspiration for this chapter from my dear mother, who has made screaming at my family a regular activity. I love you, Mom. Thanks to my wonderful beta, ciararocks, for she is quite cool.**

Rodolphus Lestrange is Whipped

Rodolphus yawned as he walked down the stairs. Boy, what a night! He sighed as he fondly recalled the events of last evening. Actually... wait. He furrowed his brow. What _had_ happened last night? He shook his head. Ah, well. What did it matter? Apparently, he had been too drunk to remember. But that didn't make sense. If he had gotten smashed, he'd have a...

"Hangover," he muttered, as the mother of all headaches crashed down on him with the force of twenty steel trucks. "Damn."

He walked unsteadily into the kitchen to find his wife sitting at the table, drinking a hot cup of coffee.

"Ah," he said. "Just the woman I wanted to see."

Bellatrix beamed at him. "Oh, Rodolphus, I'm so glad-"

"No, no, wait," he said, interrupting her as he took a seat next to her. "Let me go first. I need to ask you something."

She nodded, smiling.  
"Could you brew me a Hangover Solution?" he asked, "Because, Merlin, do I need one right now-"

He abruptly stopped talking after catching a glimpse at the look on his wife's face.

"A Hangover Solution?" she yelled. "A Hangover Solution!"

He nodded meekly.

She rose from her chair and began slowly pacing in front of him. "Let me get this straight. You were out last night, _drinking_?"

He nodded more forcefully and winced.

"I should have known!" Bellatrix seethed, spinning on the spot to face him. "And here was naïve me, thinking you were out planning a surprise or something! Instead, you were out with your damned friends, having some beer, maybe some Firewhisky, not giving a damn about _today_, just thinking about yourself, for once, and-"

"I'm lost," he interrupted again. "Why was I supposed to surprise you?"

Her upset look turned to one of pure, unadulterated wrath.

"I don't _believe_ you," she said in that quietly dangerous voice of hers. He winced again. This was worse than when she screamed.

"Could you please just tell me what I'm missing?" he asked.

She inhaled deeply, counting internally to ten as she let the breath out. "What's today, Rodolphus?" she asked with an air of pseudo patience.

He shrugged. "Beats me."

"Today, _dear_, is March twenty-second."

He nodded.

And then it hit him.

"Oh, damn…" he muttered.

"_Our anniversary_," she hissed. "You _forgot_ our anniversary."

"Bellatrix, darling, I'm so sorry-" he began, starting to get up, but she pointed a perfectly tapered fingernail at him. "_Sit_."

He sat.

"I cannot _believe_ you! After all these years – how many has it been? Oh, well, of course _you_ wouldn't know. It's been twenty years, Rodolphus! Twenty years to the date! March twenty-second, 1978, we were wed! You didn't even forget the date when we were in bloody _Azkaban_! In fact, I distinctly remember you serenading me with _You're The One That I Want_ one year-"

"I don't know _where_ you're getting this from," he replied, "because don't the dementors take away all your happy memories? So how would I remember the wedd– oh, wait. Never mind."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Bellatrix shrieked. "Are you saying our marriage isn't happy? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"No, of course not-"

"Because if it is," she continued loudly, dramatically yanking her wedding ring off her finger, "you can take this _back!"_

"No, Bella, of course I don't want that-"

"Or do you?" she cried.

"No!" he said. "Why wouldn't I want to be married to this lovely, beautiful, perfect, smart… uh… beautiful…woman," he finished lamely.

"Don't you dare try to talk your way out of this one, Rodolphus Quentillian Lestrange!" she shouted. "That's all you every do: weasel your way out of things. And I'm bloody sick of it! You may have been a Slytherin, but does that give you the right to shirk your duties as a husband? It most certainly does not! You were more responsible as a second year, for Merlin's sake! And another thing – you…"

Rodolphus tuned his wife out as her constant shouts made his head throb more and more with each passing second. He discreetly summoned everything he could think of that went into a Hangover Solution and, with a nearly inconspicuous flick of his wand, set them brewing behind Bellatrix's back.

"Rodolphus!" she yelled, and he snapped back to attention. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course," he sighed. "Not," he muttered under his breath, feeling quite immature as he did so.

He suddenly remembered, as he watched a wooden spoon stir the solution counterclockwise forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven times, that after it was mixed, the potion was to be cooked in a tea kettle for exactly four minutes and seven seconds. Another subtle swish and the potion transferred itself to the kettle.

"…and another thing. You _lied_ to me about last night! I said, 'Where are you going, Ro?' and you said, 'Out.' And I said, 'Out _where_'? And you winked and said, 'You'll see tomorrow, babe.' Well, you're damn right! I expect to wake up in a bed of roses and come downstairs to a homemade apple crumb cake, and what do I get?" She lowered her voice in an imitation of her husband. "'Can you make me a Hangover Solution?' Merlin, Rodolphus, today is circled in red hearts on the calendar!"

A faint whistling sound echoed throughout the kitchen, as the potion heated up.

"What's that?" asked Bellatrix suspiciously.

"Er, nothing. I'm just, uh, working on my whistling. _Phweet_." Rodolphus tried to whistle, and failed dismally.

"You should have been taking whistling lessons last night! _Anything_ other than out getting wasted with your brother!"

"Actually, I was with Lucius and Snape," he intervened.

"_I don't care_! Whomever your stupid little friends are!"

Rodolphus checked his watch, and saw the potion was done. He rushed over to the stove and downed it in one gulp, sighing at the immediate effect.

"Now listen here, Bellatrix," he thundered, his strength back. "_I_ am the man in this relationship! And when I want to go out drinking with my friends, that's what I'm gonna do, whether you like it or not! And I'm not some swotty little nancy boy who writes his wife songs and plays them on his guitar! No, sir! _I_ am going to do what I want, when I want it!"

Silence.

One.

Two.

"Oh, you are, are you?" she asked, smiling her dangerous smile again.

"Um… yes?" he said, faltering.

"I don't think so," she said in a singsong voice. "Do you, dear?"

"Uh, no, not really…"

"Did you really mean what you said?"

"Of course not, darling," he mumbled, staring at his feet.

"I didn't think so," she said sweetly.

Someone snickered.

Rodolphus turned slowly on the spot to face Rabastan, Snape, Voldemort, and Wormtail standing in front of the door.

"What," he asked slowly, face turning pink, "are you all doing here?"

"Well, when we noticed you were late for today's Death Eater meeting, we figured you'd be getting some shit from your wife about coming home smashed. And we couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch you get your arse kicked," Voldemort said.

Peter elbowed him. "What he means is, we wanted to see if you were coming today. And we thought we'd make you a Hangover Solution."

"See?" Rodolphus protested. "_These_ guys are true friends!"

Bellatrix merely tapped her foot.

"I didn't mean it, o beautiful and merciful wife of mine," he mumbled.

"You're _whipped_," Snape smirked at him.

Lucius made whipping noises in the background.

"How long were you here for?" Rodolphus asked.

Voldemort sniggered. "Long enough."

Rodolphus buried his head in his arms. "This has got to be the worst day of my life."

"Not yet, it isn't!" announced Rabastan. "We've caught the whole thing on video! Tonight's main feature at Vile Love Dorr is _He Forgot His Anniversary_, starring you!"

Bellatrix couldn't help but smirk as her husband was frog-marched off the premises by his friends. She had been fully aware that he had been brewing a remedy behind her back. The one in the dark was Rodolphus. She had quietly added a dash of Ogden's Old Firewhisky to the recipe. With it, his hangover would be back and ten times as worse within five minutes of taking the potion.

She counted down. Three, two, one.

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN!" she heard Rodolphus scream as he Apparated away.

Revenge was sweeter than a homemade apple crumb cake on your anniversary.

**A/N: Review skit!**

**Voldemort: Ah, at last. An update.**

**Lucius: It's about bloody time, too!**

**Draco: Yeah!**

**Avada Cruimperio: What are you guys on about? You hate it when I write about you.**

**Wormtail: Not really. We just pretend we do. It secretly makes us feel loved.**

**Voldemort: And warm and happy on the inside.**

**Avada: You guys are drunker than Rodolphus was last night**

**Draco: No, we're not. **

**Lucius: We should tell you, Avada, one more thing.**

**All: We love you!**

**Avada: AHHH! Get away! **

**Draco: -hugs Avada-**

**Avada: Stop it! Stop it! You're evil! **

**Wormtail: -sings- You are so beautiful!**

**Avada: -whimpers-**

**Voldemort: Avada, will you marry me?**

**Avada: NOOOOOO! -wakes up- Merlin, you know what this taught me?**

**Draco: No.**

**Avada: REVIEW!**


	28. There's Something About Peter

**A/N: I owe the inspiration for this chapter to my wonderful beta ciararocks. When I was lost in Writer's-Block-Land (the folks there know me pretty well), she sent me a list of like, forty gazillion ideas, and I loved this one.**

**Disclaimer: I owneth not Harry Potter. **

**WARNING: This chapter, while funny, nearly teeters off of the far edge of the T rating. Innuendo galore. Remember at the sleepover where Peter found Lucius's condom? Yeah, if you could handle that, you can handle this.**

There's Something about Peter

Peter Pettigrew had a secret.

He was sure he wasn't the first guy to have done this, and he wouldn't be the last. If you thought about it, you wouldn't really see anything wrong with it, he reasoned to himself. He certainly wasn't as bad as some guys. He could control his addiction. He _could._

He was perfectly capable of staying in control.

Really.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Anyone notice anything… off… with Wormtail lately?" Lucius asked.

"Besides the fact that he's an Animagi coward who sold out his pathetic friends to save his life and, in doing so, inadvertently condemned himself to a life of evil known to us as normalcy?" Snape sneered.

"I said _lately_, Snape," Lucius retorted. "That's all been true for the last eighteen years."

Snape shrugged. "I don't particularly pay attention to the lives of beings lower down on the food chain than a hamster."

"No, I'm serious here, Snape. He's always drifting away during meetings, his eyes glazing over, him not paying any attention- you'd think he was eating a cupcake the way he's acting," Lucius commented.

Voldemort nodded in agreement. "You'd think he was on crack or something, the way he's being."

"Well, we know he's not doing drugs. If you say the word "hallucinogen" to him, he faints," Lucius recollected nostalgically.

"What could it be?" Rodolphus asked, tapping his temple thoughtfully, and wincing at the remnant of a hangover.

"I've got an idea," Lucius said. "How about we-"

"H-hi, guys," Peter stuttered, stumbling into the room.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Pull another all-nighter, Wormtail?"

Peter's eyes shot wide open at her remark, and he immediately focused his attention on the floor, muttering something like "lots of paperwork."

"I'll bet," Voldemort said lightly.

Peter froze. "What… did… you say?"

Voldemort frowned. "What? I know I gave you a bunch of papers to go through last night."

Peter visibly relaxed. "Oh. That."

"So, it's done?" Voldemort inquired.

"Yes," Peter said, lying through his teeth. In fact, he didn't even remember being given an assignment.

"Can I have it?"

"NO!" Peter yelled.

Everyone stared.

He paled and began to sweat nervously. "I-I mean, I left it at home."

"So Floo back and get it. I really need those documents, Wormtail."

"You know I have a motion sickness problem," he said, attempting to buy himself an excuse.

"Apparate?"

"You-you know, we r-really should have anti-Apparition wards on the place, in case P-Potter tries to break in," Peter said, pulling his answer out of the air.

"I suppose," Voldemort mused. "I'll have Dolohov work on that tomorrow. But in the meantime, you can go get those papers for me."

"But-" Peter stalled.

"_Now_."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Peter Apparated with a loud pop into his living room, and glanced around nervously. Where _was_ that work? He tried to remember what he had done last night after he had received it. A Pensieve would have been extremely useful at a time like this.

He sighed, and walked over to his desk, shuffling through a stack of newspapers and a bag of pretzels. Clearing away a couple of pens and a notebook, he opened a drawer and - _there it was_.

He yelped, slamming the cabinet shut and hurtling himself as far away from it as possible. Gasping, he tried to catch his breath. How could he have been so _stupid_?

Peter remembered now what had happened last night. He had gotten home, whistling and carrying the work under his arm. Setting it down on the desk, he had begun to open his drawers, looking for a highlighter, when he had come across _them_. Those - those videotapes. He didn't want to start with it, but… he had given into the temptation and, setting the timer for fifteen minutes, begun the activity that he swore he had under control.

Three hours later, he had made a mental note to get a new timer. Apparently that one didn't work.

After finally turning off that taboo tape, he realized that way too much time had gone by… and now his couch was absolutely covered in white gunk.

And then he had begun his work.

So, if his memory was correct, the paperwork should be on his desk. Then why hadn't he seen it there?

Was there more he was forgetting? He walked over to his desk, glancing at the mirror above it to see if anything in his reflection would jog his memory. He furrowed his brow in thought.

"Don't do that, dear, you look like you need a laxative," his mirror said, sounding suspiciously like his mother.

He blushed. "Do you, perhaps, know where I put some files last night?" he asked, feeling stupider by the second for talking to a piece of glass.

His mirror snorted derisively, switching from Mom's tone to Snape's. "You think I don't have better things to do than sit around and watch what you _do_?"

He shrugged. The Peter in the mirror rolled its eyes condescendingly.

He sighed, and headed into the kitchen for a sandwich. Nothing made him more alert than some good old PB&J. Unfortunately, in sixth year, he had cut his hand on the lid of a jelly jar, so now he ate those Smuckers Uncrustables - you know, the pre-made sandwiches that came in a crinkly wrapper. He ripped it open and tossed the packaging in the trashcan, when something caught his eye.

"_Yes_," he breathed, leaning over to the garbage, pulling out some very familiar pieces of paper, glancing at the first one quickly.

_Lord Voldemort's Hit List_

_1. Harry Potter_

_2. Harry Potter_

_3. Every Weasley known to mankind, those stupid poor redheads_

_4. All Mudbloods_

_5. Harry Potter_

_6. Minerva McGonagall_

_7. All the Hogwarts ghosts (possible/not possible?)_

_8. Harry Potter_

_9. Avada Cruimperio_

_10. Stupid Ministry idiots_

_11. Harry Potter_

_12. Wormtail_

Wormtail squeaked in excitement, not registering the fact that he was twelfth on his boss's hit list - actually, eighth if you only counted Harry Potter once. He rushed out the door, knocking a few videotapes and some of his unmentionable magazines off of his coffee table in the process. He apparated directly to Voldemort.

"I found it," he said breathlessly, shoving the paper over to the Dark Lord.

"Excellent, excellent," murmured Voldemort. "Now, Wormtail, um," he said, an expression on his face that said he'd clearly rather be skipping in a daisy field, "why don't we have a game of chess, eh?"

Rodolphus snickered. "We'll be going," he said, and he, Lucius, and Snape hastily disapparated.

"Wow," Ro said, taking in the view of Wormtail's apartment. "When was the last time he cleaned?"

"Shut up," Snape said, "and listen. You all know the plan? Wormtail'll be distracted for around two hours. We have until then to find whatever it is he's hiding."

"It won't take us that long," Lucius said quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because," Lucius said, holding up one of the magazines the frenzied Wormtail had knocked off of his table, "I already have."

He displayed to them a copy of a magazine that no man in his right mind would have left lying around.

"Is that what I think it is?" Snape asked, shaken. "That's _Wormtail's_ magazine? He's into that - that… stuff?"

"I'm afraid so," Ro said heavily. "Look at this video. _Ten Ways To Reach Your Biggest_- ugh. I can't finish reading the rest of that title."

"That's despicable," Snape spat.

"There's more. See? He's ever got a _poster_," came Lucius's muffled voice from Peter's bedroom.

"We need to confront him on this," Ro said.

Snape nodded. "Let's go."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"And… checkmate!" cried Voldemort for the fourteenth time in a row.

"Damn," Peter sighed dejectedly.

Three simultaneous _pop_s were heard, and Lucius, Rodolphus, and Snape burst into the room.

"Oh, Peter," sighed Lucius sadly.

"We_ know_," hissed Snape.

"Kn-know what?" Peter asked nervously.

"Your dirty little secret," Ro explained.

Peter gasped. "You- you mean… you found my tapes?"

"And your magazines," added Snape.

"And your poster."

"And the books."

"_And_ the CD."

"Well?" Voldemort said anxiously. "Spill!"

"Peter, I think you need to tell him," Lucius said solemnly.

"Okay," Peter said gulping. "I-I'm addicted to…"

"To drugs?" suggested the Dark Lord.

"No," Peter said. "In my spare time, I like to read magazines, and watch movies, and read books, and stare at posters of…"

"Of?"

Peter summoned some objects. "This should tell you all you need to know."

Voldemort caught the tape that Ro had been unable to finish reading the title of, a magazine, and a poster.

_Ten Ways to Reach Your Biggest Tree Trunk - Where to Place Your Birdhouse. **Special Feature Inside - Watch the Tape as You Build a Birdhouse! White Glue Included.**_

_Birdhouses Weekly._

A poster with a tree full of birdhouses on it.

Voldemort fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Review Skit!**

**Draco: Last night,I had a dream.**

**Avada Cruimperio: Did you findyourself in a desert called Cyberland?**

**Draco: Um, no.**

**Avada: Okay, go on.**

**Draco: I dreamt that legions of minions under the alias of "reviewers" stalked me, broke into my house and stole a bunch of my stuff.**

**Avada: Well, you know what that means. It means that if you review, I'll let you into Draco's house and you can take his stuff.**

**Draco: -is crushed under stampede of fans rushing to Malfoy Manor-**

**Avada: I thought so.**


	29. Lord Voldemort's Weird Uncle

**A/N: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I know, I know I haven't updated in forever. Life has been hellish lately. End of school, and now I'm taking a theatre summer school course, cramming in a full semester in 17 days. It's been really, really hectic lately. On the bright side, I now have my own laptop, and you can definitely expect another update before August- July 27th is the one-year anniversary of this story, so I'll be updating then. Know what would be absolutely amazing? If I could get to 700 reviews by the anniversary. –sigh-**

**IMPORTANT: I'm offering you all a chance to guest-star in the next chapter. For more details, please visit my LiveJournal (the link is in my profile).**

**And to my fellow Americans: happy 4th of July!**

**Disclaimer: This chapter was inspired by my theatre teacher. I don't own her, or Harry Potter, as I'm sure you know.**

"_How you stand is imperative in acting. Don't fold your arms- we want to see your hands. Don't hide them away like **that weird uncle you have that you don't want anyone to know about**."- Cynthia Lynch, Avada Cruimperio's theatre teacher._

Lord Voldemort's Weird Uncle That He Doesn't Want Anyone To Know About

Voldemort was having quite a lovely dream, if he did say so himself. He had captured Potter, and was making him do the chicken dance as he clucked.

"Pa-kaw! Pa-kaw! Rrring! Rrring!" Potter screeched.

"No, you ignorant fool, chickens don't ring," Voldemort said irritably.

"Rrrring! Rrriing!" Potter called insistently.

Everything became blurry. He realized he had woken up, and it had not been Potter ringing, but the telephone.

Voldemort glanced blearily at the clock, noting it was two forty-seven in the morning as he picked up the phone.

"What?" he said grumpily.

"Heidi-ho, Voldemort!" a voice sang cheerfully.

"Who is this?"

"After all these years, you don't recognize my voice? It's me, Uncle Minty!"

Voldemort groaned. "Why aren't you dead yet?"

Uncle Minty paid no heed to his nephew's violent mutterings. "How've you been doing, old chap?"

"Until you called, my life had been quite pleasant. Now I'm contemplating hanging myself."

"Well, don't! Then I won't get to see you!"

Voldemort froze in the middle of tying a loop in the rope he was holding. "What?"

"That's right! I'm visiting."

The phone fell to the floor with a loud _clunk_.

Voldemort stared at the receiver as his uncle continued talking obliviously. "I figure I'll be there for a while. Damn landlord threw me out again- said that five nudist parties a week was unacceptable, so I moved in with your grandma, except Ma and I don't really get along that well- she said that my Bozo imitations were crap, and she kept wanting me to rub her bunions, so I packed up and went to see Dumbledore- did you know he's dead? That lady with the glasses, McGonorrhea or whatever-"

"Uncle Minty," Voldemort said loudly, picking up the phone, "as much as I'd love for you to stop living and mixing up names with STD's, I really have to go."

"Already?" Uncle Minty asked disappointedly. "We haven't even had a chance to catch up! I'd love know what's going on in your life. Still doing that whole rape-pillage-plunder act?"

"I am not a pirate," Voldemort said through gritted teeth.

"Of course you aren't, my boy. You're an evil overlord, I know. That reminds me- do you see much of that blonde kid with the cane anymore? Lucious, or something? I remember at your fiftieth birthday party, he levitated a goat on your head during the piñata, right? Oh, those were the days! And what about that dark-haired bitch- Trixie, or something, I know. Remember when we played spin-the-bottle, and you landed on R-"

Voldemort hung up.

* * *

"Is this going to end up like what happened when your Nana visited?" Rodolphus asked. "Because if it is, I'm going to be spending the next few days at our local Holiday Inn."

"All I can say is that it better not be like that," Voldemort grumbled. "I think I hate him more than Nana."

"Aw, don't be so harsh, I loved Nana," Lucius interjected.

Draco wrinkled his nose. "Ew, she smelled so bad, it was like going perfume shopping at the fish store."

"What I don't understand," Peter said, "is how he's related to you. Except for Nana, all your mother's family is dead, right?"

"I wish," Voldemort groaned. "He's my mom's sister- Morfin's twin brother. When they were growing up, Grandpa Marvolo threw Minty out when he refused to kill a spider on my mom's desk- said he wasn't sadistic enough to be a true Gaunt. Man, do I wish Gramps had killed him. "

"Morfin had a brother?" Bellatrix asked.

"Who the hell is Morfin?" her husband wanted to know.

"Morfin is- was- my uncle. Anyone who's read Half-Blood Prince knows that," Voldemort sighed.

"Speaking of that, where _is_ our beloved Snape?" Lucius inquired.

"He's picking Minty up in Diagon Alley- the stupid prat can't even Apparate," Voldemort explained. "He got kicked out of Hogwarts in the middle of his fourth year."

"For what?" Peter asked.

Voldemort shuddered. "I'd rather not say."

CRACK.

Snape Apparated next to them, looking tired.

"Where's Uncle Minty?" Ro asked.

"Is he dead?" Voldemort asked hopefully.

"No, he'll be here in a minute. He insisted on Apparating alone."

"But he doesn't know how!" Voldemort wailed.

CRACK

Everyone looked up to see a leg, half of a red plaid shirt, and a nose lying on the ground.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin," Snape said angrily. "Now I've got to go to the bloody Ministry to call someone to fix the godforsaken man. Imagine how this is going to look- I'm wanted for murder."

"None of us can walk into the Ministry, can we?" Voldemort asked. "Oh, no, we'll have to leave him like that. What a shame. I'm really sad."

Marissa rolled her eyes. "I'll go."

Voldemort cursed.

**

* * *

**

Two hours later, the Death Eaters were seated at the kitchen table alongside Uncle Minty.

"Well, howdy!" he called.

"_Howdy?_" Voldemort grimaced. "You're not even from Texas- you grew up in Britain."

"So, who're all you folks?" Uncle Minty ignored his nephew.

"Well," Draco piped up, "I'm Draco. This is my dad, Lucius, my aunt Bellatrix, my uncle Rodolphus, his brother Rabastan, then there's Peter, Snape-"

"We've met," Snape said, looking although he rather wished they hadn't.

"Right. And over there's Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marissa, and, um, I think that's it."

"Lovely to meet you all," Uncle Minty said. "Pull my finger, Tom."

Voldemort looked repulsed.

**

* * *

"What are we doing here?" Bellatrix asked, her nose in the air.**

"We're celebrating the Fourth of July," Draco explained.

"I _know_." Bellatrix rolled her eyes. " I _meant_, why are we celebrating the Fourth of July? _We're British._"

"I've noticed," Voldemort said, lugging a box full of sports equipment past them. "It was Uncle Minty's idea."

"I'm three-quarters American!" Minty exclaimed.

"Wouldn't that make Voldemort part American, too?" Rodolphus asked.

"I most certainly am not," Voldemort replied haughtily.

"Yeah, well, that's what you said about being a half-blood, too," Ro reminded him.

Lucius had tied his hair up in a red, white and blue bow for the occasion. "I just love barbeques!" he cried.

Someone threw a hot dog at him.

Peter had the grill going, being carefully supervised by Narcissa. "We don't need a fire," she explained.

"Yeah. Uncle Minty would probably try to beat it out with his pants," Voldemort said, shuddering.

"Would he… take his pants off to do this?" Draco asked hesitantly.

"Yes."

Everyone cringed.

"That's just sick," Peter said. "Honestly. They should make laws against that. Did you know when I change into a rat, I leave my clothes behind, because rats are naked, and when I transform back, I'm naked. This is not my idea of a good time, let me tell you, I hate being nude just as much as the next person. Actually, probably more, because I have self-esteem issues- don't worry, I've been seeing a counselor- and, so, half the time I'm running around naked. Ew! And then, sometimes, at night, I accidentally change into a rat in my sleep. Don't even ask me how I do that, but I'll either wake up as a rodent or in my birthday suit. Oh! This one time-"

"Oh my God!" Narcissa shouted. "The grill's on fire!"

Everyone screamed.

Uncle Minty took his pants off.

Chaos ensued.

**

* * *

**

"So…" Draco said.

"So…" Bellatrix drummed her fingers on the table.

"Never again," Voldemort said vehemently. "I am never, _ever_ permitting this man in my sight again."

"He took off his pants," Marissa said in a strangled voice.

"I'm scarred for life," announced Draco.

"Yeah, and _he's _the gay one!" Rodolphus said.

"He took off his pants," Marissa repeated.

"What does my sexual preference have to do with this?" Draco demanded.

"Nothing, nothing," his uncle said.

"Hey, where's Snape?" Peter asked. "He's been gone all chapter."

"I dunno," Voldemort said, shrugging.

"He took off his pants," Marissa mumbled.

Snape strode through the door, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Where the hell have you been?" Voldemort demanded. "You missed nearly all of my uncle's mishaps!"

"He took off his pants," Marissa said,

"I know. After I brought him here on Friday, I checked myself into-"

"Rehab?"

"An institution?"

"His pants?"

"-into a hotel," Snape said.

The phone rang.

Snape answered it. "Hello?"

He held it out to Voldemort. "It's the police."

The Dark Lord took it. "Hello? Yes….yes… oh, trust me, I know. No…no, that won't be necessary."

He hung up. "Uncle Minty's been arrested for public indecency. "

"What'd he do this time?" Rodolphus asked.

"I bet he took off his pants," Marissa muttered darkly.

"No, he lit his ass on fire with a sparkler," Voldemort said.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

In a jail cell forty miles away, Uncle Minty leaned over to his cellmate. "Hey, kid. Pull my finger."

**A/N: Review skit! FEATURING….**

**NANA: What the hell am I doing here?  
VOLDEMORT: You're in a review skit, Nana.  
NANA: Where's Avada? Ain't she supposed to be in these?  
AVADA CRUIMPERIO: I'm here.  
NANA: You seen my dentures, boy?  
****VOLDEMORT: Yes, Nana, I stole your dentures, because I have a false-tooth fetish.  
AVADA: Ew.  
VOLDEMORT: Sarcasm, you pathetic excuse for a living person, sarcasm!  
****NANA: Be nice to the author, Tommy. Hey! You! Reader! Go be nice to this author! She went through hell for this, I tell you. HELL!  
****AVADA: -eye roll-  
NANA: THE COMMIES ARE COMING! HIDE BEFORE THEY TAKE YOU TO THE CONCENTRACTION CAMP!  
Voldemort: …see you in a couple weeks, folks. –drags Nana away-  
AVADA: Don't forget- for the chance to be in my next chapter, go to my LiveJournal! Anyone and everyone can win!  
NANA: I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED UP FOR THIS! I KNOW THE QUEEN!**


	30. Happy Anniversary, Lord Voldemort!

**A/N: An update!**

**And today is the one-year anniversary of my first chapter posting. Wow, I've been writing this for a year? It's surprising my brain hasn't turned to mush.**

Happy Anniversary, Lord Voldemort!

"Goyle! For God's sake, do we have to go through this every time we have a party? You are seventeen years old, or something similar to that. 'Anniversary.' It's not that hard to spell. According to Avada's spell-check, she got it right the first time. Whydo I put you in charge of signage creation?" Voldemort slammed his checklist down on a table. "Dammit, at this rate, we are _never_ going to be ready for the party. It's in an _hour_, people! Let's get moving!"

"No one even wants to have a party, so why _are_ we?" Draco complained, lugging a package of balloons over by the buffet table.

"For the same reason we do anything: because Avada wants us to. Has she not drilled that into your head for the last three hundred and sixty-five days?"

"Well," Draco huffed, "I'm getting sick of it."

"As are we all," Voldemort muttered.

Snape strode into the room. "_Must_ we throw an obnoxious shindig every time we have even the slightest occasion to celebrate?"

"Well, yes," said Voldemort. "That's what we do. It's our jobs."

"I always thought our jobs were to wreak havoc on innocent Muggles and/or Muggleborns, kill, torture, enslave, rob, steal, burgle, borrow without permission, and otherwise pilfer our weasly black guts out."

"Did someone say Weasley?" Draco asked. "Man, have you ever met Bill? He is like, the hottest thing with red hair."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Well," Voldemort continued, ignoring the youngest Malfoy, "that used to be our job. Man, I loved the seventies. But now, we're just kind of washouts. So, we work for Avada."

"Well, doesn't that just make my day," Snape muttered.  
Voldemort turned his attention back to the party, and picked up his checklist. "Okay, well, we've got music, food, and decorations. I guess we're good. Everyone think Avada will approve?"

"Who _cares_?" asked Bellatrix.  
"True," said Voldemort. "All right. The party's tonight. Everyone needs to be here at like, seven or something. I really don't care, but Avada probably will, and no one should incur her wrath tonight."

"Why?" Snape, who had much looked forward to just that, whined.

"Because we work for her."

"You know, I could always go back to the Order. Half of the world seems hell-bent on proving my innocence," Snape reminded the Dark Lord.

"My dear Severus, have you forgotten her leverage against you?" Voldemort asked.

"What leverage?"

Voldemort whispered one word: "Rainbow."

"Well, what are you standing around here for?" Snape screamed. "We have a party to perfect!"

* * *

Two hours later, the party was in full force, and the Death Eaters had prepared the setting as best as they could.

Most of the Dark Lord's minions were hanging out by the punch bowl, lapsed in a prolonged awkward silence that had been going on since Lucius had drunk ten cups of punch before realizing it was spiked, and had began to breakdance, crashed into a window, and was taken to St. Mungo's for cuts and alcohol poisoning.

Ro was now watching Peter throw up into a potted plant, when suddenly he noticed a girl across the way that wasn't Avada or Marissa.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked her suspiciously.

"Are you Ro?" she asked.

"That would be _Mr. Lestrange_."

Her eyes bugged. "WOW! It _is_ you! Hi! I'm Hogwartsgirl52," she introduced herself, offering her hand.

He eyed her suspiciously. "That's a very unique name."

She rolled her eyes.

"So, um, what are you doing here?" he repeated.

"Well, if you must know, I'm crashing your party."

"You… can't do that," he said thickly.

"Well, I'm not really crashing it. I was invited."

"DRACO!" Rodolphus yelled. "Get _over_ here."

"Actually-" she interjected.

Draco scurried over to his side. "Yes?"

"I _told_ you not to invite anyone! We wanted as few as guests as possible, so the party would die early, and we could all go home."

"Well, _I_ didn't invite her," Draco sniffed. "Honestly. Blame the gay guy for everything, why don't you? I always knew you were homophobic, but, honestly, Uncle Ro, this takes the cake. I'm deeply injured-"

"Oh, shut it," Ro snapped. "Lucius?"

Lucius wobbled over to him. "Hi, Mom!" he said, brightening at the sight of Rodolphus.

"It was-" she tried, but was cut off.

"No, it wasn't him, he's too drunk.

"Actually, Avada invited me," she said.

"I'm going to _kill_ that godforsaken author!" he thundered.

"Oh, don't!" said a Greek girl to his right.

He turned. "Don't I know you?"

"Yeah, I'm Paroxysmal Lupine. Or Allie. You can pick," she said.

"You were a cheerleader at the dodgeball game."

She nodded.

"I wish I could have been there," a new voice sighed.

Rodolphus spun around to find another girl behind him.

"Banana?" she offered to him, holding one out.

"No," he said shortly.

"I'll take it," said Elfbrat18, accepting I am a Banana's proffered fruit,

"More of you?" Ro asked, desperately hoping Voldemort hadn't noticed the crowd of girls yet. "Why don't any boys read this story?"

"Boys read _my_ story," said FanFictionFantom.

"I know you," Draco said. "You're the one that has to start her third Harry Potter parody."

"Speaking of not updating, where's Avada?" asked Sea4Shoes.

"She's not coming… is she?" Ro said.

"Oh, yes, I am," said Avada, who had just walked in the door.

Snape cursed.

"This is a really, really bad party," she said, walking around the room. "I wanted a band, a caterer, and professional decorations. Instead, I got Macnair on the piccolo, Wormtail's bundt cake, and a handmade sign by Goyle. Haven't you learned anything since Christmas?"

She looked up at his poster, which read "HAPPE 1 YEAR ANNEVIRSAREE 4 MAKING FREINDSHEP BRASELETS 4 DA DETH EADERS".

"That is painful to look at," she declared. "You're _wizards_. Fix it." And with that, she sat down on the floor and crossed her arms.

"Actually, I really don't think they'll be fixing anything," said ciararocks, known to Avada as The Beta, or, more simply, Lauren.

She turned. "Ah! Lauren! Glad you could make it!"

"I had to, didn't I?"

"Aw, that's so nice," Avada said.

"No, really. I have to shut you down."

Avada jumped up. "What?"

"This is a _terrible_ plot. You can't just bring everyone who's ever reviewed your story into a chapter! That's practically breaking the laws of fiction."

Avada looked at the crowd. "I certainly hope that's not everyone who's ever reviewed my story."

"As a beta, and as a reader, it is my personal and professional duty to threaten you with bodily harm, should you post this chapter," Lauren continued, ignoring the author.

"But _I_ like it," Avada protested.

"Yeah, well, you also liked Chapter 9, and we know what a success that one was," Lauren said dryly.

Avada scowled. "I can't be perfect all of the time, okay? No one can."

"I beg to differ," said Draco.

"As do I," agreed his father.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Draco, you're not as special as you may think."

Every female in the room except Bellatrix immediately shot him a look that clearly intended to convey a long and painful death.

"Draco is _amazing_," Avada corrected him.

"People _love_ me," Draco agreed. "Everyone wants to touch my hair."

"Right," said Lucius. "Would anyone here care to touch Snape's locks?"

Everyone inadvertently took a step backwards.

"I thought so," said Lucius.

Lauren cleared her throat. "Right. Can we get back to me vetoing your chapter?"

"I'll make you a deal," Avada declared. "Let me post the chapter, and you can raid the Malfoy Mansion."

"Agreed," Lauren said quickly.

The reviewers glared at Avada ominously.

"As can all of you," she continued hurriedly.

"When?" asked CrystalButterfly.

"Now," Avada decided.

The reviewers stampeded out the door, Avada at their tails. "You don't know how to get there!" she called.

Voldemort stared at the fangirl-free space. "_Finally_."

"I had fun," Draco said defensively.

"Well, hooray for you," Snape said sarcastically.

"I've made a decision," Voldemort said. "We're not going to try to kill Potter anymore. Our new goal is to shut down Avada."

"I think you'll have better luck with Scarhead," Draco said.

"Actually, I really don't think you will," Rodolphus said. "Didn't you listen to what she said before the beta showed up?"

"You think I listen to her, _ever_?" Voldemort asked.

"She _said_ that she was done appearing in our story, she figured that the reviewers would kill her if she made another self-insertion appearance."

Voldemort danced a jig. "LORD VOLDEMORT TRIUMPHS YET AGAIN!"

"So, when do we start the hunt for Harry?" asked Lucius.

"Tomorrow," Voldemort said. "Tonight, the party's over."

"Aw," said Lucius dejectedly.

"Cheer up," said Draco. "There'll be another anniversary party next year."

Voldemort fainted.

**And… review skit. **

**DRACO: I decided that everyone is getting anniversary presents.**

**LUCIUS: COOL!**

**DRACO: For you, Dad, here's that new Well-Groomed Wizard conditioner you've been wanting. Aunt Bella, you can have this poison I found in my desk. Uncle Ro… you can share with Aunt Bella. Wormtail… hmm, you can have this birdhouse.**

**SNAPE: -cough-**

**DRACO: Snape, you can have one of my extra murses.**

**SNAPE: Murses? **

**DRACO: Murses. Plural of murse.**

**SNAPE: But what, pray tell, is a _murse_?**

**DRACO: It's a portmanteau.**

**LUCIUS: You got him a guy that works on a dock?**

**DRACO: No. A portmanteau is a combination of two words.**

**SNAPE: Well, I know that. But what is a murse a portmanteau of?**

**DRACO: Man, and purse.**

**SNAPE: So, you got me a handbag.**

**DRACO: Yes.**

**SNAPE: A _woman's_ handbag.**

**DRACO: No, that's why it's called a _m_urse. **

**SNAPE: Can you kill people with it?**

**DRACO: Well, you could stick it over their head until they die of suffocation, I suppose.**

**SNAPE: Oh, good. –eyetwinkle-**

**DRACO: Oh, crap.**

**If you review, I promise I won't let Snape suffocate Draco.**

**I love you all.**

**And much much thanks to those of you who entered the contest. I love y'all. **


	31. The Death Eaters Are Very Sophisticated

**A/N: So. Sorry. Back to school time is always hellish, and even more so this year (one of my good friends was seriously injured in a car crash two weekends ago), and my muse hadn't returned from summer break. However, I have VERY, VERY GOOD NEWS.**

**Good news: I'm going to be posting a NEW STORY! And it ACTUALLY HAS A PLOT! –dies of shock-. It's quite good so far, IMO. Go read it, please!**

**I'm so sorry about how long this took. Blame the beta, if you must. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own the Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller, the Blues Brothers, Roger Rabbit, or Back to the Future. But 80's movies rock.**

The Death Eaters Are Very, Very Sophisticated. 

Everyone stared at Voldemort.

"What the _hell_ are you wearing?" asked Rodolphus incredulously.

"It's a suit," the Dark Lord explained. "That's what it's called when you wear a blazer with nice pants and a tie."

"I _know_ it's a suit," Ro said. "But _why_?"

"Because, faithful minions," Voldemort said, adjusting his monocle, "we're going out to someplace fancy. When you go to a nice place, you're expected to dress up, as I have done. And where we're going –"

"We don't need roads," Peter interjected.

Draco blinked. "Pardon?"

Peter sighed.

"Back to me," Voldemort continued. "Everyone, go put on your most expensive clothes, and be back here in fifteen minutes. Any questions?"

"Yeah, I've got a question," Lucius said.

"Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?" Peter supplied.

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Barry Manilow?" asked Bella.

Peter rolled his eyes.

"Anyways, yeah, my question. Where exactly are we going?"

"Well," Voldemort began, "have you ever noticed how mature the other big organizations are? Like the Order - man, they have weekly dinners at fancy restaurants in London. So I decided it's high time we added some sophistication into our lives. I mean, sitting around watching Star Trek in our underwear all day is hardly posh. So, we're going to add some culture into our lives - we're going to the theatre!"

Bellatrix looked nauseous.

"Don't all get excited at once," Voldemort muttered.

An hour later, Voldemort sat in the driver's seat of the company car, honking the horn noisily.

"We've been waiting for Draco for forty-five minutes," he grumbled.

"I knew it was going to be a while when I passed by his room and I heard him muttering to himself about whether to wear Prada or Versace," Narcissa added unhelpfully.

"DRACO!" Voldemort screamed.

Draco leaned his head out of an upstairs window. "_What_?" he whined.

"The show starts in _an hour_!" Voldemort yelled. "We need to go!"

"So apparate! I'll meet you there!" Draco shouted, pulling his blonde head back inside the house and slamming the window shut.

Voldemort blinked.

"This has got to be like, the tenth time we've forgotten about apparation," Snape said.

"Sometimes I wonder about us," said Narcissa. "It feels like we're doing drugs half the time, the way we act."

'It's like we're on crack," agreed Ro.

"It's like we're on acid," agreed his wife.

"No, not acid, we're on -"

"A mission from God," nodded Peter.

"So," whispered Snape, seated next to the Dark Lord in the theatre, "what play are we seeing, exactly?"

"I'm not sure," replied Voldemort. "It's very sophisticated, I'm sure. I'm told that it's intensely dramatic, and filled with stylish people."

"All right," Snape muttered. "Hey! You! Across the aisle!" He leered at a small kid staring at him.

"What's with the kid?" Snape asked. "You said this was an adult play."

"It _is_."

The child smiled toothily. "My mommy says that after this, we can go to the carnival. We can go on the carousel, and the ponies, and the Ferris -"

"Bueller, you're my hero," Peter finished.

"Shh- it's starting," Ro whispered.

The curtain rose.

_This is so exciting - a real, mature play_, Voldemort thought.

On stage, a woman in a bathrobe arose from bed, and grabbed a cup of coffee.

"Wow, I'm nervous for my first day at work. I'll watch some T.V.,' she said.

All of a sudden, twenty kids poured of her television and began to sing.

"_Well every person you can know,  
And every place that you can go,  
And anything that you can show,  
You know they're nouns - you know they're nouns."_

Voldemort glanced down in horror at his playbill:

**SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK: LIVE! Junior! **

He screamed.

"Let's go," Snape said numbly.

"I'll be back!" Peter cried.

Fourteen hands smacked Peter simultaneously.

"I'm not bad," Peter said, on the verge on unconsciousness.

"Yes, you are," Snape said.

"I'm just drawn that way!"


	32. National That's What She Said Day

**A/N: I know, I know, it's been forever. My apologies, and I'm not even going to try to explain it.**

The Death Eaters Celebrate National That's What She Said Day

It was the middle of the Death Eater's bi-monthly Thursday morning Munch-and-Murder meeting, and Voldemort was snacking on some donut holes, and plotting evil things out loud.

"So," he said, wiping his mouth with a Starbucks napkin, "here's how it's going to go down. We sneak into Potter's apartment, and we steal his owl. When he wakes up and sees that it's gone, he'll realize we took it and come as fast as he can."

"That's what she said," Rodolphus muttered.

Voldemort blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing," he said. "Continue with the domination tactics."

"That's what she said," sniggered Bellatrix.

Voldemort whipped around to face her. "What was that?"

Bellatrix sighed. "Never mind."

"No, tell me," Voldemort said, putting down his donut on the coffee table. "I want to hear."

"I _said_, "that's what she said.""

"That's what she said?"

"Yes," replied Bellatrix. "It's February fifteenth, is it not? Today's National That's What She Said Day."

"What in hell's name does that mean?" demanded the Dark Lord.

"If you have to ask… Oh, I'm not explaining this, he's too thick for it."

"That's what she said," agreed Snape.

Voldemort raised his wand.

"Forget it," Snape hastily apologized. "Just keeping talking about Potter and how we're to destroy him."

"All right," said Voldemort, taking a deep breath. "So, tonight, at eleven-fifteen _post meridiem_, we sneak in to his house, or apartment, or hopefully shack- wherever he lives-"

"Ooh, what if it's a mansion, then we should play MASH!" Draco exclaimed. "Okay, let's see, for my five mates, I pick-"

"Not now, Draco," Voldemort said. "And if I am interrupted again, I will make sure that none of you go home tonight."

"That's what sh-"

_KABLAM._

"Sorry," muttered Draco, picking himself up off the floor.

* * *

The hour was well past midnight when several cloaked figure stealthily crept in to the oblivious apartment overlooking the London River. However, that clearly has nothing to do with our story, since not one of the Death Eaters, except for maybe Snape, was capable of doing anything at all stealthily.

The Death Eaters, masked and robed in Raw Umber Brown, which was the trendiest color this season (and Draco had been assigned the task of buying their attire), stood outside of a sixteen-story apartment building in a suburb of Hogsmeade.

"All right," Voldemort whispered, "here's how it'll go down. Snape, Bella and I shall sneak into his apartment, get the bird, and come out, all the while being unseen and completely undetected. Draco and the Lestrange men are our lookouts, stationed at various advantageous places around the building. Do we all have our walkie-talkies? Yes? All right, let's head on in."

"That's what she said," whispered Draco to Rabastan as the Dark Lord was out of sight.

"_Draco_!" hissed Voldemort.

Draco jumped. "How the hell did he hear me?"

"Because you're holding a _magical walkie-talkie_ in your hand, moron," said Rodolphus.

"Oh."

Voldemort's voice crackled through again. "If I hear you speaking again one more time, I shall personally be responsible for the destruction of your closet full of ballet slippers that you keep in my front hallway."

"Sorry, sorry," murmured Draco, and the lookouts fell silent.

* * *

Back inside, however, things weren't going as surreptitiously.

The three rogues were standing in the lobby of the expensive apartment, gazing at the elevator and wondering just how they were going to pull this of.

"He lives on the sixteenth floor, right?" said Snape.

"Yes," said Voldemort.

"Which means he owns the penthouse, right?" said Snape.

"Yes," said Voldemort.

"Which means the elevator most likely opens directly into his apartment, right?" said Snape.

"Yes," said Voldemort.

"Which means that as soon as the elevator takes us up, he'll hear us coming."

"That's what she said." Bellatrix grinned wickedly at Voldemort.

"Okay, either someone explains this whole 'that's-what-she-said' thing to me in the next thirty seconds or both of you get hurled out of a window," Voldemort groused.

Snape sighed heavily. "You use it to add innuendo after someone says something that could be taken sexually. Like, if I said something like "Oh, it's really hard," then you could say "That's what she said." Get it?"

Voldemort looked perplexed, but nonetheless nodded. "Now, can we please figure out a way to get up to his apartment?"

"I don't know how we can do it," said Snape, "if the elevator option is ruled out."

Bellatrix stared at them in disbelief. "You guys are _such idiots_."

"That's what she said," said Voldemort.

Bellatrix and Snape turned to stare at him.

"What?" said Bellatrix.

"That made no sense at all," added Snape.

"Oh," said Voldemort.

There was a long, awkward silence.

After about a minute, Snape cleared his throat. "Well, anyways, back to the matter at hand. How in God's name are we going to get into his house now?"

Bellatrix sighed theatrically. "Like this," she said, and Disapparated.

Snape said at the ceiling. "Well. We _are_ officially morons now."

Voldemort nodded, and the two followed suit and were gone.

They arrived in Potter's apartment to find the lights ablaze, no Bellatrix, and a broken vase on the floor.

"Oh, _shit_," muttered Snape, and threw his portable Invisibility Cloak over himself.

Unfortunately, Voldemort had not had the same insight as Snape when packing for their expedition. So when a half-asleep Harry Potter stumbled into his living room to investigate what had made his eighth-century vase suddenly shatter into a million pieces, he was certainly shocked to see his most hated nemesis kneeling on the floor, attempting to repair said vase.

"Voldemort?" asked Harry blearily, rubbing his eyes. "What the hell are you doing in my house?"

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "Technically, Potter, you live in an apartment."

"Whatever," scowled Harry. "Answer the question before I decide to blast the bejesus off your face."

"Um…" Voldemort thought quickly, and had a stroke of brilliance. "Clearly, Potter, I'm here to, um, sing a duet with you! And then we're to bake cookies until the morning sun rises."

Harry shook his head. "Either I've gone mad, or this is a dream."

Voldemort held his breath.

"And I suppose I'd rather be asleep than absolutely bonkers, so perhaps if I go back to bed, I'll wake up from this acid trip of a nightmare."

"Yes," breathed Voldemort, "that's the ticket."

"Good night!" said Harry, and went back into his room.

Snape and Bellatrix quickly reappeared.

"Hurry, we haven't much time," urged Bella.

"I know, I know," said Voldemort, snatching Hedwig's cage off of Harry's kitchen table. He lifted his wand at the broken relic on the floor. "_Repai_-"

"No!" hissed Snape, smacking Voldemort's wand arm. "Leave it."

"But why?"

"Because when Potter sees it, he'll know he wasn't dreaming, and then when he sees we've taken the owl, he'll know that we did it, which is how your plan is to work."

"Right you are," said the Dark Lord.

"Can we please leave now?" asked Bellatrix urgently.

"That's what she said?" attempted Voldemort.

"_No_," Bellatrix whispered, "_no, no, no_, you cannot do it, and I can seriously _hear_ Potter heading back down here, so we _need to leave_."

"Fine," sulked Voldemort, and the three Apparated back to Vile Love Dorr.

Snape set the bird on top of the refrigerator. "You do realize we left Draco and the others there, don't you?"

"Yeah, whatever," said Voldemort dismissively, throwing his walkie-talkie into the hamper. "They'll figure it out."

"I certainly hope so," said Bellatrix. "Now what?"

"Now," said Voldemort, "we wait."

* * *

It was seven thirteen the next morning when Harry Potter blew into their headquarters.

"YOU!" screamed Harry, pointing a trembling finger at Voldemort.

"I," said Voldemort calmly. "And Potter, do not point, it's so terribly rude."

"You've taken my owl!"

"That I have."

"And broken into my apartment!"

"Yes, yes."

"And shattered a ten-thousand Galleon tribal vase from the year 790!"

"That one was an accident," piped in Bellatrix.

"Quiet, you," he said, sneering at her. "I want Hedwig back."

"I realize that," said Voldemort. "Which is why I'm prepared to offer you a trade for it."

"I'll do anything to have her back," said the Boy-Who-Lived, looking close to tears.

"Perfect!" exclaimed Voldemort. "Then surely you won't mind if we trade your life for it."

"Um," said Harry, "I actually don't think that I'm going to be cool with that."

"Really?" said Voldemort, looking put out. "Damn."

There was silence.

"So what now?" Voldemort asked Snape. "I rather hadn't planned on him refusing to sacrifice himself for the owl."

Snape blinked. "You hadn't?"

"No," said Voldemort, "and now I'm fresh out of ideas."

"You could let me take Hedwig and leave," ventured Harry.

"Nice try, Potter, but I don't think so," Voldemort said, drumming his fingernails on the counter.

"What if he promised us his firstborn child?" asked Bellatrix.

"Too Rumpelstiltskin-y."

"What if we made him sleep until he was awakened by his true love's kiss?" suggested Snape.

"Too Sleeping Beauty-ish."

"What if we made him go through a series of traps set by teachers at a magical school, in order to reach a valuable item encased in a mirror?" Bellatrix wondered.

"Good idea, but I think it's been done before," said Voldemort. "Oh! I've got it!"

He turned around to face Potter.

However, Harry was no longer there. And his owl had mysteriously disappeared from on top of the fridge.

"Damn," said Voldemort. "I knew I should have locked that cage."

* * *

_Meanwhile_…

"Voldemort?" called Draco into his walkie-talkie. "Snape? Anyone?"

A cab pulled up in front of them.

Gilderoy Lockhart stuck his head out the window. "Someone need a ride?"


	33. The Final Episode

**A/N: I know how late this is. I won't bother explaining. As it is, I'm rushing to write this since I leave in a few hours for camp, not to get back until a few hours before DH is released. Happy reading everyone!**

**There should be an epilogue to this after DH, but other than that, this is the last chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone mentioned in this chapter. Also, slight spoilers for the OOTP movie. If you've seen even a trailer, you're fine. And there's my own speculation about Book 7 in here.**

"So," Lord Voldemort sneered. "So."

She gazed up at him in amusement. "So?"

"So," repeated the Dark Lord, for he had no idea what he was going to say other than that.

"Er… do you need some help?" Lucius offered.

"Yeah, really, I made up a list of interrogation questions," Rodolphus added.

"I think I can question a pathetic Muggle female all by myself, thank you very much!" Voldemort said indignantly, bright pink patches appearing in the apples of his deathly pale cheeks.

"And what does it matter if she's female?" Bellatrix asked dangerously.

"Er, nothing. Nothing. Forget I said that," Voldemort muttered.

The woman bound to the hair chuckled. Voldemort whirled on her.

"One more peep out of you, missy, and I'll start getting nasty!"

She snorted, almost derisively. "Oh, okay."

"Now then," Voldemort said. "Clearly, you fear me and my… um…"

She raised an eyebrow in confusion.

Voldemort strode over to Snape. "What's a phrase describing you guys?"

"What is this, Madlibs?" Snape sneered. "I have no idea what the hell you even mean."

"He means like, 'band of ingrates,' 'troops of devoted yet pathetic followers,' 'sadistic cohorts,', etc," the woman clarified.

"Exactly!" Voldemort snapped. "Anyways, back to the matter on hand. Aren't you afraid of us?"

"Of course not," she replied.

Voldemort looked highly scandalized. "Why the bloody hell not?"

"Because I control you," she explained.

"Do not!" Voldemort said hotly.

"Oh, shut up. You know I do, and that's why I'm here."

"Fair enough," Voldemort conceded. "That _is_ why you're here. Bellatrix, lights!" he barked.

Bella flipped a switch and hot, bright lights appeared directly over the woman's chair.

"Now, then," Voldemort said, leaning in close to her. "Let's make this nice and easy. You answer a few questions, and then we don't kill you."

She rolled her eyes.

"Wormtail, hand me my interrogation list!" he snapped, and Peter rushed over and thrust a list trailing down to the ground into his master's hand.

"Excellent, excellent," Voldemort muttered. "Now then."

He moved in even closer.

"_What happens_?" he hissed.

"Pardon?" the woman asked.

"_What happens to me in Deathly Hallows_?"

"How should I know?" she asked.

"Because you wrote that infernal book, that's why!"

"True," J.K. Rowling said. "But even if I could, I'd tell you nothing. Spoilers, don't you know."

"But how am I ever going to find out?" Voldemort asked impatiently. "I can't very well go into a Muggle bookstore! They'd call the police!"

"And as sure as I am that the police are no match for you, there's a much simpler way of figuring out your fate," she said, yawning.

"Which is what?" he said though gritted teeth.

She got up, the ropes tying her to the chair falling to the ground and the bright lights extinguished.

"If you die on Saturday at 12:01 AM, then you'll know," she said, and left.

Voldemort stood there spluttering for about ten minutes.

"Boss?" Lucius said tentatively.

"_What_, Lucius?" he hissed.

"If it's any consolation, we'll probably die too."

"Well, maybe not _you_, Malfoy. Probably you'll just go back to life as normal and claim I Imperious'd you into following me, just like last time, _remember_?"

Lucius blushed.

"Or maybe, you'll even go handing out some of my Horcruxes to Harry Potter's girlfriend!"

"Unlikely, as he'll probably destroy them all," said Rodolphus reasonably.

"Shut up, Lestrange," said Voldemort, his head in his hands. "You're not helping _at all_."

"Sorry," said Rodolphus.

"Besides, seeing as how you've never even been seen in person besides maybe under your mask at the Department of Mysteries, it's very likely you either will die, go back to Azkaban, or not even be mentioned at all," Voldemort said, glaring at him.

Rodolphus shrugged.

"Speaking of the Department of Mysteries," said Bellatrix, "wasn't I so cool in the new movie?"

"I think that Carter chick played up the insanity a bit," said Wormtail. "You're not _that_ crazy."

"Thanks," she said. "I think."

"Ooh, ooh, what's going to happen to me?" asked Lucius.

"Sorry, man, but you have to die," said Rodolphus. "Probably by a Weasley's hand, I'm guessing. Revenge and all that."

"But I don't want to be killed by a blood traitor!" Lucius whined.

"What about Draco?" Bellatrix wondered.

No one knew.

"Oh, and Snape, who are you really working for?" asked Voldemort. "Seeing as how that's kind of important to me."

Snape shrugged. "Damned if I know."

"Well, all this guessing won't really matter in about five days."

"What's in five days?" asked Wormtail.

"Our next meeting," said Voldemort.

"Is it here?" asked Lucius, pulling out his day planner.

"No," said Voldemort. "It's in hell."

**FIN.**


End file.
